PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

A Refresher in Basic Etiquette as You Reenter Polite Society

Better living through social conventions

Congratulations! You have lived through a global pandemic. Your complementary certificate is on its way!

We at PAC — People Against COVID— recognize that our trial is not yet over. You may have survived COVID but now you face the greatest test mankind has ever devised — other people. In order to minimize your discomfort as you re-acclimate into society, we have put together this handy list of do’s and don’ts.

Do read this and don’t hesitate to contact us for clarification! Namaste.

Grooming and hygiene

1. Sweat pants are not formal wear. We are voting on the legitimacy of yoga pants next week.
2. Washing your hands after using the restroom was never about COVID and you should continue doing it.
3. If you can’t remember when last you bathed you’re probably overdue.
4. There’s a reflective bit of glass in your house called a mirror. Look at it before you leave the house and self-rate your serial killer vibe on a scale from 1 to 10. If you rate 8 or higher, reconsider leaving.

Reentering the world

1. If you see masked men running into a bank, they probably aren’t looking for hand sanitizer. Maybe wait to cash those checks.
2. Your reluctance to return to the office is completely normal. The office sucks and anyone who disagrees is a stooge for The Man.
3. Retrieving your packages from the porch doesn’t make you an outdoorsman.
4. Waitresses, valets, and other service staff rely on tips — sums of money in appreciation for their performance. This is not to be confused with unsolicited advice.

Approaching other people

1. When making eye contact, find the middle ground between Rain Man and the Eye of Sauron.
2. A good handshake is like a good first kiss: gentle yet firm, warm, inviting. It is not an invitation to arm-wrestle.
3. People may get offended if you immediately sanitize after shaking their hand. They are probably just jealous that you have sanitizer. Lessen the sting by squirting some directly on their hands.
4. Some people are huggers. That’s okay! Try to keep your hands off their butt though.

Conversations

1. The following can be used to initiate a conversation: How are you? What’s up? How have you been? If you’re feeling frisky or are really curious about their anatomy: How’s it hanging?
2. Remember: this is real life. If you find a conversation boring, you can’t mute yourself and start playing Solitaire.
3. If you find yourself at a loss for words, talk about the weather.
4. Some people don’t know when its time to stop talking and will ignore cues such as checking your watch. If you find yourself trapped in such a situation, don’t pretend to field a phone call. Unless your name is Meryl Streep, it will be obvious what you are doing. Instead, claw at your chest and slide to the floor while moaning. When they run off to get help, make your getaway.

Social conventions

1. If a stranger asks you how you’re doing, they don’t really want to know.
2. Sitting in your car eating fast food is the world’s worst date. At least roll down the windows.
3. There is never cause to use the urinal right next to someone unless that is the only option. The same goes for toilets. Social distancing is a good practice for public restrooms in general.
4. If you see someone in public you’d rather not talk to, there’s nothing wrong with pretending you didn’t see them. But if you accidentally make eye contact, playing hide and seek in the aisles is just rude to the other shoppers. Play tag instead so everyone can participate.

Congratulations! By making it this far, you have passed the reading comprehension test. We have added you to our small but growing list of Notable People. In the likely event of another global catastrophe, we will randomly draw two lucky people to join us in our futuristic bunker. Why battle savages over toilet paper when you can sleep through it all in your very own cryo-chamber?

Eric writes about pop culture here at Medium and is busy practicing his greetings in the mirror. If you’d like to see what other madness he’s working on, check out his newsletter.

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