A Quick Look Into The Sleazy Mind Of A Micro-Cheater
The mind of a micro-cheating scoundrel can be a strange thing indeed because it can convince itself and you that the opposite of reality is true.
Micro-cheating is the act of cultivating, in small ways, inappropriate intimate connections outside your relationship, according to couples therapist Alicia Muñoz.
It includes those seemingly harmless behaviors you engage in like flirting to more serious deep emotional connections with someone other than your partner. Behaviors that will make your partner uncomfortable, and can also mislead an innocent third party into thinking you are available.
What defines micro-cheating
What amounts to micro-cheating between couples can vary due to several factors like the values, cultures, nature of the relationship, the express or implied monogamous agreement or other forms of exclusivity, and, of course, the personalities concerned.
However, it is safe to conclude that any doubt can be removed about the inappropriateness of a behavior if it leads to:
- lying;
- keeping secrets;
- erosion of trust in the relationship;
- damage to the other partner’s self-esteem;
- loss of emotional stability; or
- the prioritizing someone else’s attention or feelings over that of the primary partner.
In situations, where a partner is unsure or heedless of the fact their behavior constitutes a violation, the presence of any of these results above can serve as an indicator of the appropriateness or otherwise of that behavior.
Why micro-cheating happens
A lineup of the usual suspects responsible for leading people to indulge these behaviors cannot be complete without, boredom. This is probably the most common reason and it typically leads to the thrill-seeking that comes with daring to explore what else is out there.
Acts that amount to micro-cheating are also committed on impulse to satisfy an egotistical need for a little extra excitement. Others engage in micro-cheating behavior because of their constant need for approval.
Another reason could be that relationship dealbreakers are not clearly communicated. What always helps is a candid conversation about what each partner considers to be crossing the line.
This can clear up any misconceptions because as stated earlier, views as to what constitutes betrayal will vary due to a number of factors but an ongoing conversation will, no doubt, be very helpful to a relationship in clarifying what is what.
What goes on in the mind of the micro-cheater
The mind of a micro-cheater can be a strange thing indeed. For to escape having to deal with the reality of the cheater’s actions it develops an uncanny ability to convince itself the opposite of reality is true. The three psychological defenses we will briefly look at are quickly put up by the cheater’s mind to serve exactly that purpose.
“Micro-cheating often begins with lying to yourself. Often, it involves a slew of subtle psychological defenses like minimizing, rationalizing, and denying.” -Couples therapist Alicia Muñoz
- The first is the defense of denial. Micro-cheaters will simply refuse to acknowledge the reality of their behaviors in order to escape having to deal with the uncomfortable truth that they are, in fact, cheating. They mentally block the events from their minds so they don’t have to contemplate them or their consequences.
- The fallback position that comes in handy when denial is not an option is, minimizing. Here the micro-cheater trivializes the act(s) to evade taking responsibility and to alleviate any feelings of guilt. When cheaters get so good at this they can get the other partner to begin doubting what they actually witnessed, or to start thinking that maybe they are just overreacting. In minimizing, micro-cheaters are dismissive of the affairs as being meaningless. This affirmation to themselves in addition to assuaging feelings of guilt, allows them to keep at it until it eventually begins to mean something.
- Micro-cheaters use rationalizing to simply explain away the cheating in such a way that it can even seem acceptable. So in addition to taking away feelings of guilt, this defense allows them to feel good about themselves and, of course, keep at it. For instance, they believe fantasizing is perfectly okay since it doesn’t really hurt their partner, and it is what keeps them going during sex, therefore, it is actually beneficial to the real relationship. A micro-cheaters can rationalize that they are just engaging in the questionable behavior to make their primary partner jealous so they bring them closer, but that they have no real intention of actually crossing the line.
“When cheaters get so good at this they can get the other partner to begin doubting what they actually saw, or to start thinking that maybe they are just overreacting.”
Micro-acts can lead to macro-consequences
All defenses conjured up in the mind of micro-cheaters allow them to continue in their folly instead of properly evaluating the potential impact of the behaviors. and how their partners actually feel which, would solve some very real heartache in the future.
For instance, constantly fantasizing about someone who is not their partner can lead to a very real risk of their real-life partners suffering by comparison. No one really measures up to a fantasy. It’s a fantasy!
Perhaps there is less harm when the micro-cheater is fantasizing about some fictional character or a celebrity they have no chance of meeting, but when the fantasy is about a person within reach like a neighbor, co-worker, or any other person they come in contact with, there could be a very real risk of actual cheating.
Micro-cheating is therefore a real issue unless the cheater is no longer serious or committed to the primary relationship or was never was, to begin with. In either case, the other partner deserves better.
Is micro-cheating necessarily the end?
The good news is the answer is a resounding, no! If the partners are otherwise committed to their primary relationship, with honest, open communication they can easily recognize halt these behaviors before they cause any permanent damage.
Where partners find themselves engaging in micro-cheating, they can quickly take a step back before it gets too far. They can check their intentions whenever they find they are paying a little too much attention to anyone outside the relationship bond and, if possible, remove any such third parties from the equation altogether, and concentrate on their primary partners.
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