The Best Ways A Relationship Can Survive Cheating
Not all relationships survive but those that do emerge stronger for the recovery.
Alex, my ace buddy since forever, had to grapple with his partner’s infidelity in their 12-year-old relationship. I watched as it nearly destroyed him. Their two beautiful children were caught in the middle. And while he had what seemed to him and me, as irrefutable proof, all he got at first was denial. I was sure it was over.
However, despite all that had happened he was willing to work it out and try and salvage the relationship. He said he was ready to come with a lot of understanding and forgiveness, all she had to do was to meet him halfway. She did. Now they are back together and he seems happy and back to his old self.
According to him, there are certain rules that he believes all couples in this predicament, and who wish to put the pieces back together again should follow if it is ever going to work out:
- First, he says, the partner cheated on should stop thinking of the other as a ‘cheater’. He found it only reinforces a negative profile and he had decided to get past that. As humans we all make mistakes, so think of him/her as an “erring partner”. Besides, he adds, who wants to always think negatively about someone they still love.
- Don’t/stop publicizing the indiscretion. He didn’t know it at the time but confiding in only one person, me, was a step in the right direction. Due to feelings of hurt, resentment, or vengeance, it may seem like exposing the erring partner to public ridicule is a fitting treatment. However, what always follows is you get a truckload of negative opinions and questions that can make it hard for what you have decided to do which is, giving a second chance.
- Focusing on why the indiscretion happened also helps. The focus was by no means to excuse the behavior or place blame but to know what needs fixing, and most importantly if it is fixable.
- Be willing to accept that people who have been unfaithful can change for the better. This, of course, applies when they show they are willing to change and are committed to making it happen.
These rules helped them. Although I am sure there were other dynamics at play that also helped mend their broken relationship which, he may not have articulated. I am happy it worked out for them.
Healthy relationships are an important part of life. Maintaining (which includes rebuilding) them is such a worthwhile and fulfilling option that is always worth considering.
“However, what always follows is you get a truckload of negative opinions and questions that can make it hard for what you have decided to do…”
When you have decided to save the relationship
When you have been cheated on, this is always your decision. It is about what you want and what is best for you first.
You have decided to put the pieces back together so this mistake will not be the end of your relationship. You realize you still love your partner and both of you are willing to put in the work at rebuilding it.
A channel of communication has to be opened. This way, without dwelling on the details, you will know why your partner strayed from the confines of your relationship. It will not excuse the slip but you will both know what else needs fixing and if it is practicable.
In the open line of communication, you will also know if your partner wishes to continue the relationship. Some people cheat when they want to quit. Knowing this might save you all that effort of going uphill in vain.
According to experts, there are 6 indicators that make it sensible to consider not only forgiving the erring partner but to trying and patch things up:
- Honesty: “If you have a history of honesty, and you feel you’ve been able to trust one another in the past, one indiscretion doesn’t change that.” (Tammy Nelson, PhD., Relationship therapist)
- The healthy status of the relationship before the indiscretion: “Someone who can remember the connection and the good times before the incident might be able to tap back into that and bring it into the healing of the infidelity.” (Melissa Thompson, licensed marriage therapist)
- You have a shared commitment to each other and the family unit: “Think more about your parenting responsibilities and less about your monogamy agreement, at least for now.” (Tammy Nelson, PhD.). This will not apply to all relationships. This also shouldn’t be the only reason for staying together. Successful co-parenting can still happen even when you are not together.
- Forgiveness reigns: “No matter how long it takes, if the partner who has been cheated on can forgive, it helps the couple be able to move forward and through an infidelity.” (Melissa Thompson, LMFT) The most enduring relationships are, after all, made up of forgivers.
- Both of you are able to see the bigger picture- past, present, and future: “Going through infidelity is extremely painful and throws a grenade into most relationships, however, when both people can recommit to the relationship and work on making it stronger, it has a much higher level of success. When a couple is able to see the bigger picture — the past, present, and future — they are able to realign and get back on track.” (Melissa Thompson, LMFT)
- The love is still there: “Let this be the one-time thing that leads to a new conversation and better communication. Don’t waste this moment.” (Tammy Nelson, PhD.) It is understandable to think that for your partner to have had an affair, he/she doesn’t love you. That is the hurt talking. People can have affairs and still love their primary partners. In fact, going to great lengths to hide the infidelity can be an indicator they wish to avoid causing the loved one pain. However, now the damage is done and all efforts should be on rebuilding, and if the love is still there then that is a good place to start.
“No matter how long it takes, if the partner who has been cheated on can forgive, it helps the couple be able to move forward and through an infidelity.”
What the erring partner must do
Realize the infidelity is probably causing your partner a lot of pain, confusion, and emotional distress. There are also feelings of betrayal and resentment. Your partner is also going to need some time before they can trust you again so accept that it may not just go back to normal immediately. Time will be your ally.
It absolutely essential that you only send honest feedbacks through that open line. You have to be honest about whether you wish the relationship to continue. You have to be honest about your motivations for the affair in the first place and your present desire not to quit the relationship.
This honest feedback needs to also include a sincere, heartfelt apology. It needs to be such a deep expression of remorse and regret that your desire to continue faithfully in the relationship is unmistakable.
You may need to earn back the trust of the remainder of the family unit as well. Children can feel betrayed too when they learn about the infidelity. If they are aware, they would have to be made to know that betrayal was bad behavior and not acceptable.
“It needs to be such a deep expression of remorse and regret that your desire to continue faithfully in the relationship is unmistakable.”
Finally, you both may consider professional help. Infidelity can be a complex phenomenon and not always as straightforward as most people like to imagine. Having someone who understands these complexities involved at some point can be a valuable resource.
A trained, experienced, and knowledgeable third party involvement can help a couple clarify their relationship, understand their needs and future relationship goals, and how to begin to attain them.
Relationships can survive infidelity and they can actually emerge stronger after having gone through the process of recovery. However, it doesn’t happen overnight it will take time, effort, commitment to the process and to each other.
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