A Medium Surprise: Comments Are Sometimes the Bigger, Better Story

Readers’ responses tell us a lot about them, us, and why some of us get up close and personal on Medium

A story about this story — and how we responded:

Carol Olsen’s chilling piece is, in one sense, a report, in another, a cry for help and validation after a life-changing medical procedure. Reading it, I, one of 39 people who clapped for it — 1,114 times, as of this writing — was especially struck by what the doctor’s staff told Carol in response to her “disappointment.”

I called the neurosurgeon’s office. They told me “The Honeymoon Period” is over, and my tremors may come back some before my next adjustment. I wish they had told me this when I had my first post-op visit, but at least I know what to expect now.

Carol’s 2022 experience resonated with me. Eight years ago, I had surgery to “cure” the arthritic pain in my writing hand — the hand I think with. It felt like high-stakes decision — removing a joint, replacing it with a pin that would later be extracted. Ouch! Turns out, it was pretty terrible. And, like Carol, I was disappointed.

Hence, I left the comment below:

Carol, that’s my major complaint about the medical profession: they don’t tell it like it could be. That sets us up for disappointment. Years ago, I had surgery on an arthritic hand and was told the cast would be off in 6 weeks; it was over 4 months. Also, that I’d be back at Carnegie Hall (supposing I was a concert pianist) in 8 months. Full healing took two years! Hang in there; keep asking questions as I know from your writing you will!

And so began, a Medium Moment…

Twenty-one other readers commented as well. Some clapped for each other’s comments. How nice: like-minded souls connecting and offering compassion.

It wasn’t simply a “moment,” of course, more a phenomenon, an unfolding over several weeks as readers discovered, read, and reacted to a Carol’s (highly relatable) concerns about whether her recent surgery will ultimately provide relief.

The responses (in no particular order) were just what a person needs when going through a difficult time:

• Information. Readers, some health care professionals, knew facts about surgery and neurology and could give Carol insights not necessarily accessible to a lay person.
• War stories. Former patients identified. They had their own post-surgical scars and weird sensations. They, too, were disappointed.
• Reassurance. It would take time. You weren’t given enough information or forewarning. Hang in there.
• Doses of reality. Maybe this is your new normal; we all have to make adjustments.
• Compliments. On her writing and her courage.
• Validation. OMG, what you went through was horrible. It was scary. Aging does suck.
• Support. They’re rooting for her, praying for her, sending hope and luck.

Of the 22 readers who commented, Carol might have already known some. But just as likely, they’ve “met” through her writing on Medium.

I didn’t expect this.

I sometimes fret about climbing too far out on the tech ledge. I complain about what I’ve had to learn. I’ve had reservations about interacting with faceless strangers online. And yet, I’ve always said, the Internet is not all bad.

This particular “affordance” — what our environment offers us now — allows us to transcend time and space. It puts the world at our fingertips. And in that world are people we might not otherwise meet.

I didn’t expect to find so many solid citizens and good souls on Medium — no less care about their surgeries. I joined in 2020 because I am a writer by trade, and I like being read. But I wasn’t initially here to develop relationships. I do a lot of that IRL (in real life).

And yet, it’s happening. I am getting to know people. Sometimes, they post photos of themselves and of people and places in their lives, which helps. But it is their stories that speak volumes about who they are.

I identify. I weigh in. I often have trouble remembering their names, but when I keep coming back to read them, I start to know them — and care. Some I occasionally meet face-to-face…via Zoom.

I didn’t imagine this happening, but Medium has widened and transformed my social landscape. It’s a good feeling.

It always comes back to consequential strangers.

Reflecting on these ideas, my phone dings to let me know I have a text. Like Pavlov’s dog, I snap to attention. Someone has a message for you, says Gerbil Brain. Drop everything.

I see a link to an article in the New York Times, “How to Make, and Keep, Friends in Adulthood.” Below it, my friend Barbara has added the words consequential strangers. That’s the title of a book I wrote 13 years ago. Who needs a clipping service when you have good friends?

My co-author, psychologist Karen L. Fingerman, coined the oxymoronic term to mean acquaintances other than family and close friends. In the subtitle of the hard-cover version, we dubbed them “people who don’t seem to matter but really do.”

The research was clear, even in 2009: Having a diverse network of consequential strangers can make a huge difference in your ability to access information, opportunities, and support. These “weak ties,” as sociologists call them, can better your health and even help you live longer.

And now psychologist Marisa Franco has written a new book about casual relationships, Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep Friends. Not surprisingly, she makes the same important point:

All relationships matter.

For decades, researchers focused mainly on marriage and close ties. In 2002, Dr. Fingerman found that less than 10% of all studies covered non-intimates — neighbors, teachers, clergy, church members. If social scientists were so biased, why would lay people give a second thought to their casual relationships?

“It’s something I used to believe myself,” admits Dr. Franco in the Times piece.

I thought romantic love was the only love that would make me whole. I wrote “Platonic” because I wanted to level that hierarchy a little bit.

Potato/pahtado….”platonic friends” — fellow travelers, book club members, those in professional and support groups — occupy the same wide swath on the relationship continuum as consequential strangers. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what we call them, only that we value these more casual acquaintances.

In the Times article, Dr. Franco cites an important key to forging relationships:

…the quality people most appreciate in a friend is ego support, which is basically someone who makes them feel like they matter. The more you can show people that you like and value them, the better. Research shows that just texting a friend can be more meaningful than people tend to think.

And so, apparently, can comments on Medium. The responses to Carol’s story are personal and authentic. They let Carol know she matters.

I’m guessing that Carol is glad she put her story out there and grateful for the long-distance support and affection it garnered. (Perhaps she will let us know in the Comments section of this piece!)

Granted, messages on Medium Moments are not uniformly positive or meaningful. Readers can hurl insults, too. Some are insensitive or downright mean.

However, decent humans — who think before spewing words or misinterpreting them — can choose how to respond.

My rule of thumb is simple: If I don’t like or can’t relate to something you’ve written, I move on. The world has enough pain already.

If there’s such a thing as a Medium Moment, let’s try to have more of them.

Relationships are everything. If you’d like to read more about all types, including consequential strangers, check out this round-up:

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