A Letter to Men From a Sexually Frustrated Woman

I want to have better sex with you.

If you’re reading this, then you are part of the solution, and this will guide you on how to play your role.

But first, let me let you in on a little secret.

Lately, I’ve been fantasizing about having sex with a woman. It’s been happening more often than I can admit. It’s not that I am bisexual or homosexual or even curious.

I’m honestly just so damn tired of having unsatisfying sex.

Studies like the one below are the reason I’ve been meaning to try. The graph shows sexual orientation and the frequency of orgasms.

I want to bring your attention to the fact that 75% of men always reach orgasm during sex, while only 33% of women admitted the same. In contrast, 59% of lesbians experience the big O every time they had sex.

This clearly shows that women are more likely to orgasm when having sex with other women.

So, where are you as men falling short? Because clearly, the female orgasm isn’t as elusive as people believed. Ok… Ok… let me help you out!

The most cited problem is the false idea of sex, that’s perpetuated everywhere.

The idea that sex involves a guy penetrating a woman, and once he orgasms, it is over… as though ejaculations signals satisfaction for both parties.

Since sexism assumes men are more logical, let’s use logic here, shall we? If sex centers around your orgasm and masturbation is done for one’s pleasure. That means for you; sex is a form of masturbation.

And that is precisely where the problem lies:

men have the idea that the primary goal of sex and masturbation is to climax.

But sex and masturbation are not synonymous. The assumption that it is, has led to a lot of dissatisfaction among women and your feelings of entitlement over their bodies.

It was more evident after the fiction story, Cat Person by Kristen Roupenian, went viral.

It resonated with so many women that it became a movement where women spoke out about their awkward, uncomfortable, and frustrating sexual encounters.

What struck me was how everyone assumed that they had to endure unsatisfying sex to spare your feelings.

Yes, I am guilty of that too. When my now-ex read my experience with men who watch a lot of porn, he admitted to not knowing any better and wished I would have said something.

Why didn’t you say anything? I would have done anything to please you in bed. I responded that I didn’t know any better. I thought that’s how sex was supposed to be.

Such scenarios highlight one of many societal issues we’re all facing, like the fact that…no one is taught enough about sexual pleasure.

Women aren’t taught how to define their satisfaction, and men aren’t taught the importance of providing it.

Can we have real sex, please?

Perhaps we make the focus of sex mutual enjoyment. Just as when you’re in partnership with someone, the unwritten agreement is that people involved feel satisfied and reap the benefits. The same analogy must be applied when having sex.

The only advice you need to have real sex is to aware of your partner’s needs. It’s as simple as that.

Not the rubbish the media has you dwelling on like lasting long and penis enlargement. All that toxic nonsense leaves you anxious and self-conscious, and this takes away the real purpose of sex.

I came across a great article written by Gaby Rosales titled sex is way better when she comes first. It’s a beautifully written piece focusing on the win-win aspect of sex when women’s satisfaction is prioritized. It’s worth a read. The idea is to ensure you’re not selfish in bed.

A selfless lover gives more and receives much more in return. Try it. You will realize that most of what they sell to increase your sexual performance is nonsense.

I’m talking about Viagra, Levitra, Cialis, manhood ultra, powerful performance, and many other pills and oils. They all sell you dreams. The truth is, lasting long isn’t the answer.

Being selfless, aware, and attentive is what we need. Trust me; unlike them, I’m not trying to sell you anything, I’m trying to have better sex with you.

You’re probably wondering where to start?

Well, you’re in favor because a survey of female sexual pleasure was done for the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, and these were the findings.

More than 36% of women reported needing clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, while 0.2% reported that intercourse alone was sufficient. An additional 36% said that clitoral stimulation wasn’t necessary but made for a better orgasm.

When asked about their ideal techniques

Two-thirds preferred direct clitoral stimulation. Of those that preferred indirect stimulation, the majority preferred touching “through the skin above the hood,” while a smaller number preferred rubbing “through both lips pushed together (like a sandwich).”

If you’re still wondering where to start, start by debunking the myth that penetration alone will give us toe-curling sex. And know that we love clitoral stimulation. That is where most of our pleasure is hidden.

Just 20 years ago an Australian urologist Helen O’Connell revealed that the clitoris has three times the nerve endings present on a penis. That’s right! It means we’re capable of experiencing three times more pleasure than you during sex if you do it right.

So please research, experiment, and, most importantly, encourage us to tell you what really turns us on.

It won't be easy as years of societal conditioning has taught us to be passive pretentious and pleasing. We’re trying to dismantle that, and your nudge is the push we need to get there.

Secondly, please relieve us of the responsibility of always reminding you of the value of sexual equality.

I’m one for experimenting, sharing fantasies, and learning what turns each other on…. That’s fun. But reminding you that I have needs is far different, and it’s getting old.

Perhaps we can break the cycle by normalizing boys talking to you or you speaking to them about sex, so that porn isn’t their only venue of knowledge.

We can gear sex education to focus more on consent and being a caring sexual partner. So that sex may not be looked at as something you do to get off, but something shared and enjoyed.

A sex therapist a while back once shared this piece of information, and it stuck with me:

When I have a couple come in, I always get them to focus on getting to know her body intimately, what arouses her, makes her feel good, and gets her juices flowing… I encourage them to notice and dismantle all the times she’s exaggerating for him. I then get him to focus on having her feel that way for real… then suddenly he’s getting something he may not even have known he was hungry for -real sex. And she’s getting something she may have given up hope of ever having -real orgasm.

Our biochemistry rewards us for great sex.

That simple shift in mentality is what we need to heal the world. A friend of mine once said to bring peace in this world; people need to have really good sex.

He was right. Real sex and intimacy make people happier, more productive, and less stressed.

Our very chemistry agrees too.

Good sex produces a hormone called dopamine, and it’s frequently known as the feel-good hormone; this ensures we have sex with you again and again and again.

Sounds great right…..and that’s not all

The bonus is that just by giving us good sex, you get to release dopamine too. The result is….two people that crave and yearn for each other.

In addition, a hormone called oxytocin is released. It’s responsible for the feelings of love, trust, and safety. It’s also why happy couples enjoy each other’s company even if it means sitting and watching TV.

It doesn't end there, for your efforts your body will reward you by releasing serotonin. This hormone boosts your will power, self-esteem, and inner satisfaction.

Psychological Studies have even revealed a positive correlation between serotonin and leadership. It is further proof of the idiom behind every great man is a great woman.

So go on be selfless, give the woman in your life great sex and you will see how different life will be.

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