A Guide to Neuro-Inclusive Holidays

Tips for helping everyone feel included during the festive seasons

The holidays are a blessing and a curse both. Some people absolutely love them, some people dread them, and most of us are somewhere in between.

For me, I enjoy seeing my son take pleasure in his favourite parts of the season, seeing him get excited about time with family, time off school, and — of course — gifts.

I enjoy visiting with our close friends who are our chosen family here in Manitoba, as our families all live in different provinces.

However many aspects of the busy holiday season can be very challenging for everyone, in particular for Autistic folks. I will share some strategies and advice to help make your holiday more inclusive to everyone.

Don’t expect a big fuss over gifts

A lot of Autistic folks are uncomfortable with receiving gifts. It’s not because we aren’t appreciative, or even because we don’t like the gift itself. It’s often because of the social expectations around receiving a present.

Many of us feel pressured to exclaim, thank the gifter profusely, and make a big deal over the gift. That may not be who we are and how we operate. We may need time to process what has been given to us, and we may prefer to thank the gift-giver in private.

Big family gatherings where everyone watches us open a gift and watches for our reaction can be way too much pressure for some folks. This may also apply to many children, not just Autistic kids. There is so much going on, anyone could experience a sense of overload and overwhelm.

Those of us who have particularly sensitive nervous systems may reach that point a lot sooner than others.

If you are giving a gift to a Neurodivergent (ND) person, please be patient and don’t take it personally if they don’t make a big show of thanking you. Remember, gift-giving is supposed to be about the recipient enjoying something they’ve received, not about the giver.

Plan for down-time

This is so very important, I cannot stress it enough. Some people love to pack the holidays full of activities, visiting, parties, and socializing as much as possible. This may be fine for some, but way too much for others.

If you’re an outgoing extrovert who loves the holidays, please don’t hold ND people in your life to the same standards. Some Autistics are very social and enjoy visiting, others are quite introverted, most are somewhere in between.

What is common amongst the vast majority of us regardless is the need for recovery time afterward. I absolutely cannot do two nights in a row of large social gatherings. If I’m going to a big dinner or work party one night, I plan for quiet and relaxation the following day.

Even if I have a good time and enjoy the visiting, I still need time to recuperate and recharge before I’m ready to do it again.

If someone is unable to attend a planned event because it feels like too much for them, please don’t compound their shame by making them feel guilty. They’re likely already feeling bad enough for disappointing you, but recognize they just can’t manage at that time.

Staying home is better than forcing themselves to go and ending up in meltdown or burnout. We need to pace ourselves over the holidays if we’re going to enjoy them, rather than be completely worn down by all the expectations.

Stock up on safe foods

Another holiday expectation is to eat meals at other people’s homes. Some Autistic folks have major sensory sensitivities or food aversions and really struggle with new foods. Some absolutely cannot eat certain things due to the taste or texture.

When we’re already feeling a bit run down by all the activities and visiting, this is not the time to push the issue of trying new foods, or forcing oneself to eat something that is unpleasant.

If you can, stock up on safe foods at home, and offer them alongside the other treats or meals being served.

Pick your battles.

I’d much rather my son eat chicken nuggets at Xmas dinner than force him to eat turnip and push him into a meltdown. At the end of the day, I want him to enjoy the holidays. Forcing him to do things that are really difficult when he’s already feeling a bit of overwhelm is going to make things unpleasant for all of us.

Offer a quiet space if you can

For the past few years, we’ve spent every New Year’s Eve with our chosen family here in Manitoba. This past year, my best friend was hosting, and she invited some other folks whom I hadn’t met before. Out of consideration, she let me know in advance.

I asked if it might be possible for me to have a quiet space I could retreat to in case I needed it, and she said “absolutely, that’s no problem at all!” (Part of the reason why she’s my closest friend).

I was nervous about going, but knowing I could take some time to decompress if I needed it made it a lot easier for me. I did end up making an excuse and going to read in her room at one point, but then was able to return and enjoy the rest of the evening.

Sometimes having a quiet space to regulate and take a break from the sensory overload makes a significant difference in our ability to manage — even enjoy — the holidays.

Comfort and routine

Another challenging aspect of the holidays is the major disruption in routine. Some of us find the predictability and consistency of a routine comforting. Operating outside of our usual routine can really throw us off, so keeping some semblance of structure and predictability can help a lot.

Let’s not forget general comforts. Comfy blankets, clothes, spaces, and sensory experiences can be very regulating.

Some people can get very wrapped up in the holidays and have very particular visions about what they should look like. We need to be fair and mutually accommodating. Each person’s needs and wants are important, and when our expectations are very different, compromise will be a necessity.

It’s absolutely okay if our holidays don’t look like the ones in the movies. We can create our own family traditions that best meet everyone’s needs.

Holiday customs are completely made up. While I’m not discounting the importance of these for some folks, there are actually no rules we have to follow, other than taking care of each other as best we can.

Let’s prioritize our relationships and the people we care about over optics and meeting arbitrary social expectations.

Good luck and happy holidays!

© Jillian Enright, Neurodiversity MB

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