Self-Awareness | Life | Writing | This Happened To Me | Life Lessons
A Dragon Heart With a Sweet Touch of Chocolate
The prelude of a prologue about of a Soul…
Did I mention…?
Did I mention that I am slowly coming back to Medium? Did I mention that I felt hesitant to return because I felt ashamed of my lack of commitment and inconsistency? Did I mention that it took me three and a half months to contemplate before I finally wrote my comeback story, “How Can I Start?”… “With The Dot!”… “Huh?…”? It was published on 2-22–2024; the number 222 that’s supposedly about harmony, balance, and alignment.
Did I also mention I was in awe and humbled when I saw my old friends, familiar names, reading my comeback article? Amongst them were David Rudder with his beautiful thoughts and Annie Trevaskis with her witty, humorous gifts… not to mention the editor at Playtown, Mark Suroviec, M.Ed., was graciously left a private note because I published the article before I submitted it to the publication?…
Did I mention that I received such warmth from lots of authors? Did I mention that Toni The Talker invited me to join her class, “Storytelling101: Spring Session?” Did I tell you that Natalie encouraged me to come and get messy with her? And Liberty Forrest, Author with her powerful yet playful words, moved my fingers typing away my comeback story.
I called the warmth a surprise because they were unexpected to me. The feeling of being undeserving of those surprises, which I called them, mistakenly humility, which can be a form of arrogance. The lesson that I learned slowly. The one that opens my way to accepting and appreciating myself, without feeling ashamed, without misgivings of my sense of self, without the fear of “bothering others,” and most importantly, being aware that as I love giving, I must learn to love receiving.
Being A Dragon… Strong, Fierce, and Unbroken…
Strong, fierce, and unbroken… that’s how I portrayed both of my parents. In different ways. The same message….
“You are the oldest, so you need to be an example for your siblings.”
“You must make sure you are there for your siblings; make sure the four of you stay together! Just like I did to mine and your mom’s!”
“ What’s wrong with you? Why do you need a man to tell you that you’re beautiful? I don’t need anyone telling me I am beautiful!”
“ Why are you laughing like that? Why do you sound so soft on the phone? Don’t act like a cheap woman… why do you act like a whore?”
“ You are strong! So I don’t have to praise you or say something nice! You’re always going to be okay!”
“Why do you ask for help? Try to do it on your own! Don’t bother other people!”
“You are not slim! So, don’t put on skirts or dresses. Just put on a pair of jeans and T-shirts!”
Those were just a few excerpts that I heard growing up. Not once, not twice, not three times…. It went on for years….
This story happened on the second day of my being a twelve-year-old…
“The Basketball Game”
“You’re ugly! So, be smart and lovely!” Not the exact words from my mother, but it’s the exact meaning. I was eight the first time I heard it. It became the air I breathe. It was more than terrifying. It was devastating. Like I needed to be invisible, needed to live in my imagination. The path that was safer, kinder, and sweeter.
Then… it was January 3, 1983. I was twelve and two days old. A basketball game. A boy with a number eight jersey. An imagination that became too real. Not just good-looking and cool, he was also tall and a basketball star. The perfect combination for many girls. I saw many beautiful, slim, tall girls cheering for him. It hit me that my mother’s message was right. Even though I was the school president, smart and lovely, I wasn’t pretty, slim, tall, and sophisticated.
My heart broke for the first time. Living with limitations sucks! I wanted to cheer him, not from the last row… rather from the first row. I wanted to shake his hand and say, “My name is….”
My invisibility. I didn’t mean I was quiet and shy from telling my thoughts. It didn’t mean that I was timid and submissive. It didn’t mean I was not up and going, winning awards, being the student body president, getting high grades, and getting accepted at excellent colleges.
My invisibility was about me escaping from myself… me being invisible from myself… my Soul. Asked my Soul to compromise, to take less than She needed and deserved. The kind of invisibility that allowed me to stand upright, laugh, create, achieve, and build my life. At the expense of not understanding, not being aware of what I was capable of, who I meant to be. Even when I felt I was aware, I asked myself, “ Are you sure you’re ready for it? How about what others say? How about if you ended up embarrassing yourself?”… and all possible self-talks that can halt or slow down the Awareness.
Being a dragon… strong, fierce, and unbroken…. I didn’t think I had a choice….
My parent’s words filled the air I breathed… my need for their approval, well… in fact, not just theirs. From my teachers, friends, and even my younger siblings.
The need grew stronger as the years went by. Camouflaged myself from what I’d accomplished, done, and was capable of. The self-doubts mounted, and self-love corroded.
Maybe… I didn’t even know how to love myself, at least not without the guilt and shame. Like, “Who am I thinking highly of myself?”…
Now… With A Sweet Touch of Chocolate…
NO! This story isn’t complete! Gosh! It is far from complete. I am creating a few things from Canva to avoid using words. The tingling feeling of shame, the temptation blocking some words, the memories of facial expressions, body gestures, circumstances… the cringe of feeling small, ignored, and dismissed…. the ones that make me want to stop and go away from this process called Awareness….
But… NO! This story won’t be untold! Regardless of how many struggles, challenges, tears, battles of resistance, and the gigantic pile of fear….
NO! This story is far from being told fairly… however, it is said with deep respect for my parents, teachers, friends, and siblings….
I’d love to keep telling this story with an understanding that each of us is made of both the blessing and the “curse” of Awareness… and each one of us needs a journey to keep rewriting our Awareness.
Hence, this story, solely about me, can’t be written with fairness. Nevertheless, I make a genuine effort for it to be written and shared with compassion and respect.
As much as they have been parts of my Darkness, I have to admit that because of them, I am striving to keep on finding Lights within me, and for that, I feel blessed and grateful.
And, yes… I am still a dragon who wants to share her stories, walk up on the red carpet of Life, and proudly carry her nakedness, the one that will keep on evolving….
And, without hesitation, sitting down with a pencil, a notebook, lots of open books, a computer, and a piece or two of her favorite dark hazelnut chocolates… sharing her juxtaposition self.
And… indeed, it is to be continued… with no promises, yet with every beat of unfeigned candor. To her Soul especially….
“Your purpose is NOT uncertain… you are. Don’t let the human in you talk you out of the soul in you.” (Matt Gottesman)
Christine Graves’s Word-A-Day articles have been one of my favorites. It comes out every month. I can’t stop my awe at how creative she is… not to mention the passion and patience she must have to do it consistently. So, to me, the word thank you for the inspiration isn’t enough. Yet, two words, “Thank you,” are the only ones that come to my mind. I wish she could hear my heartbeats while saying those words, as those heartbeats say a lot more.
And Christine Graves, thank you for creating a safe and supportive space for me to publish my thoughts.
Toni The Talker… this is a prelude of a prologue of a Soul… the one that dreams of writing it all in a book called “ The Friendship of My Unbroken Soul and My Ashamed Heart”… one day… soon. I can’t thank you enough for the opportunity to join a much-needed journey with you and other beautiful writers.