WRITING⎢MY WRITER’S LIFE

Learning to Play and Be Messy with Words to Find the Light Again

Splattering the words on my canvas helped my writer’s voice find the color and ease of using them skillfully again

I’m struggling with my essays.

I’ve written a few drafts. As I return to edit each of them — I want to scrap them all.

Nothing feels right. Every line seems boring. I just want to close the laptop and walk away. And yet — my heart yearns to write. I have the quiet and the time.

“Brain, do your thing, will you?”

The ability to know what you want to say and say it seems straightforward. But it’s not. It’s for that reason that I know, I must write — to learn to write.

Lately, I have taken refuge in reading. Reading is safe. Reading nurtures my writer’s soul and provides comfort. The chosen words of other writers all make sense. Their writing flows.

Every paragraph connects. I am lost in their created world. I do not hesitate to finish their essays.

Their words are not mine. So the judgment light is so easily turned off. I play with the words they have painted. Their canvas is colorful or even brilliantly gray. The hues paint their emotions, and the pictures formed in my reader’s mind are clear.

But when I begin to write, two voices battle for attention.

One voice wants to feel the moment and explore the memory intricately. It wants to share the experience. This voice enjoys the challenge of finding the perfect words to help her reader submerge in her world. This voice wants to connect.

The other voice is intrusive and obnoxious. She enters even when not welcomed or invited. She edits incessantly deleting entire paragraphs. She demotes essays straight to the personal journal file in a heartbeat.

Only she reads those. She lays down the law denying parole.

The battle rages as each voice seeks to dominate the other.

One can’t exist without the other. Each can build or destroy the other.

I have been writing in the darkness. I have chosen to not let my words see the light of day. I have lost the freedom to play and err.

Writing is a world in which we let words out to play.

As writers, we string them together and hope there is a message that entertains, connects, inspires, or even teaches. Many times they can.

Then there are days you head out to the playground and it is just empty. No one comes out to play.

I want to play. I have sent out invites, and since they don’t want to meet me outside, I’ve asked them to come inside.

As I wait, those words, my playmates, have sent me a message in the silence of my thoughts.

I’m not fun anymore. I wanted everyone to play nicely and line up correctly. I wanted to play and made it clear: let’s not mess up the playroom.

And for crying out loud — couldn’t they just tone it down?! Couldn’t we just pick one game at a time? Jumping from the quiet board game to running outside tagging each other — was all too chaotic. They were all so loud, I could not hear myself think.

It was all too much.

The chaos of the clashing words made me send them all home. I decided I needed everyone to just go home and be quiet.

Now I am ready to play. I need them to come out quietly, succinctly — orderly. The only ones who keep showing up are doubt and let’s-write-that-over-again.

However, I’ve chosen today to be different.

I called out to my words — “We are going to get messy!”

“I have no paintbrushes so we are going to color with just our fingers. As we dip our fingers into each color, feel the texture and coolness of the paint. Drip it onto the canvas and let it go. Be an artist!”

“Go crazy! Those who are watching may not be able to make heads or tails of what we have created but the point is to start somewhere and remember what’s like to feel the artistry.”

Write. Make a mess.

Let the words fall flat if they may. Let the conflicting voices smudge the lines. Struggle with the timing of which voice gets to have its say.

When you quit playing for an extended period, you may not even hear the voices. You don’t recognize nor understand how to orchestrate the synchronous roles they used to play.

They’ve been away. And so have you.

You know the drill. Invite them back. Writers — write.

Writing clears the way so that the essays that do have clarity will eventually find their way. Meanwhile, let it drip.

Let it be a mess.

And don’t forget to have fun! Enjoy the journey and feel of writing.

The rest will come and take care of itself.