A Case For Sleeping With Your Friends
Sex doesn’t always complicate or change things—at least not for the worse
Don’t mix sex and friendship, they say. Sex complicates things, they continue.
These are the truths we’re being told and they continue to be the generally accepted views on this topic. But does it have to be this way? Does sex always alter a friendship? And, if so, does that necessarily have to be a bad thing?
Sex and friendship can mix
What if I told you that it doesn’t? What if I said that I know very well, from experience, that it’s more than possible to mix the two without screwing up either?
Well, that’s exactly what I’m here to say.
I didn’t always think this way. In my past of long term, monogamous relationships, sex was a private affair, between two people, behind closed doors. The sex I had wasn’t bad, per se, but there wasn’t much variety or exploration involved, plus, with little previous experience and I was too shy to take initiative to change that. My sex life didn’t contribute to my growth or vice versa. Not the way it does now.
Sex with one partner can absolutely be fulfilling and enriching, and it’s perfectly ok to not want anything else. For the longest time, I never considered other options either.
This is, I believe, where the problem lies.
We’re told that there’s only one ‘right’ way
To believe that the only way to experience sexuality is between two romantic partners can leave many unfulfilled. For the majority, I see sex happening under two circumstances; with a steady monogamous partner or in the relentless search for (the) one. The first can leave us feeling stagnant and the latter often results in a slew of mediocre boats in the bed with wildcards off of some dating app.
Shouldn’t there be other options? The truth is that human nature is far from binary, and thus we should allow for more motley manners of human sexual interaction to boot.
We could be going through phases of our lives when we’re single and not looking for a steady relationship—such as right after coming out of one—but we still crave intimacy. Or, perhaps we’re not looking for a traditional life partner whatsoever, but we still want to have sex? We could be in ethically non-monogamous relationships where we share intimacy with more than one partner, but might not be looking for, or have the capacity for, multiple romantic connections.
In these cases, adding benefits to an already existing friendship can be just the right thing.
Sex can take many forms
We know that sex has so many positive benefits, from helping us relax and de-stress, boosting our moods, and meeting our natural needs. Sex can be an act of self-love as well as a creative endeavor, in fact, as I’ve said many times, sex is the ultimate expression of creativity. Why shouldn’t we be able to enjoy this outside a traditional relationship—and doesn’t it make sense to do it with someone we already know, love, trust, and have a deep connection with?
Before you insist that this will screw with the friendship, I’ll let you in on some personal experiences:
When I found myself single a few years ago, for the first time in a decade and a half, exploring my sexuality became a priority. I’d kept that side of myself subdued for so long that when I got out, I simply spread my wings and let the winds lead the way.
The currents quickly took me towards local sex-positive communities and having always admired sexually liberated people, and women especially, I allowed myself to be just that.
Sex-positivity and ethical non-monogamy
In the BDSM scene, I learned that here, people often refer to sex as playing. There I was introduced to the idea of having one or multiple play-partners; someone you meet and hook up with regularly. I learned that sex could also be a type of recreational activity. This was also where I finally saw and understood ethical non-monogamy in its multitude of forms.
My mind was literally blown the first time I went to a kink-party and met two women who shared the same partner—and, instead of being jealous of each other, they were best friends.
—Wow, I thought, what is this alternate universe where sex can exist between friends in this way? How is it possible?
My new insights went against everything I’ve ever known to be true, yet it made perfect sense.
Sharing is caring
A few months in, I had started to grow my own network and soon we were a small, but solid group of female friends who’d meet regularly to share thoughts and experiences. It didn’t take long until we started sharing a lot more than that…
At the time, none of us were in committed relationships but instead had one or more steady partners. We proceeded to join each other in threesomes and other group scenarios, went to sex parties together and sometimes we’d even lend each other a lover or recommend someone we’d dated before.
Sharing felt completely natural between us, and instead of the possessive, jealous behavior I’d seen between women in my past, we were generous, open, and compassionate with each other. None of it felt weird at all, instead, it was safe and easy: We’d share a bed one night and cook lunch together the next. Meanwhile, our friendships remained unchanged.
These days, due to a few changes in outside circumstances, our friendships have reverted back to mostly platonic, with no hard feelings. We stay close—with the occasional inside joke and comment, such as how I know exactly where on her butt my bestie has a tiny birthmark—and with the option of reintroducing said benefits, should it feel right.
Him, her and I
Now, as my current partner and I are in a committed yet non-monogamous relationship, we mostly explore together. When, and if, we want to involve others, it’s usually someone we know and would call a friend first. We currently have a shared female lover who’s been my close friend for a few years. She and I were always drawn to each other and recently stars aligned in ways that allowed us to take our relationship to another level.
The dynamic we share is one where our friendship is the top priority and is to be protected above all else. This means that any of us are free to withdraw our extra benefits should it no longer feel right, for whatever reason. We’ve made a commitment to honesty and kindness, and we decided, even before entering into the arrangement, that our connections are solid enough to handle a potential (and likely inevitable) future change to our triad.
How to start sleeping with your friend(s)
In my handfuls of experiences with relationships turning sexual, and later going back to being platonic, I’ve not had a single friendship change for the worse after sex was added to the menu—on the contrary, we’ve gotten closer. And while I’ve had more experiences with female friends, I’ve also experienced that the same thing is possible with members of the opposite sex.
Through this, I’ve un-learned most of what I was always told about mixing sex and friendships. I’ve found that it’s not only possible but can add a whole other depth and dimension.
There are still a few things to keep in mind when crossing this boundary with a friend:
It can’t just be any friend
Clearly, you might not want to spring this offer on just about anyone. Until I started mingling with likeminded sex-liberals, I didn’t have (or knew that I had) friends that would be open to this.
Unless you date in polyamorous, swinger, BDSM or other sex-positive circles where this is generally talked about openly, you’ll want to have an idea of whether this is something your friend is open to, or if it’s bound to set them running for the hills. You could, for example, tell them about this article, to see how they react…
Communicate!
Communication is, and will always be, the number one most important component in any sexual relationship. You have to be willing to talk openly about wishes, wants, needs, and expectations. Further, you need to bring up all the uncomfortable, potentially embarrassing, and even unsexy stuff, like STIs and testing, as well as birth control and what you do if anyone gets pregnant—as you should with anyone you’re intimate with.
State your intentions before
Never cross this boundary unless you know that your intentions are aligned. Finding out down the line that they want a romantic relationship and you don’t could ruin a perfectly good friendship. Usually, it’s not the sex that complicates things but the lack of clear communication: Drop the mystery here and don’t be afraid to state the obvious.
Decide what happens if and when the relationship changes
In all of my friendships that have turned sexual, this happened either a few times or over a time period. Before going there, make sure everyone’s on board with the idea that the arrangement will likely change or end at some point, and consider how you’ll feel when that happens.
Keep being ‘just friends’ too
Because you hook up from time to time doesn’t mean you should change your relationship entirely. Keep doing all the things you normally do together: Meet for coffee dates, cook together, do sports, make art, or whatever you did before you started sleeping together. You’re still friends first!
In essence…
Friend-sex isn’t for everyone. If you’re strictly monogamous and view sex as a sacred act only to be shared between two people as an expression of true love, then jumping in the sack with your friends is probably not your thing—and that’s perfectly fine, too. But, to rule it out as an option, simply because society tells us that it’s inappropriate and that the two are not compatible doesn’t make sense either.
Introducing sex into a friendship also only works with a select few, and you might have to seek out new communities and scenes to meet friends that are open to this.
In the end, there are so many ways to enjoy our sexualities outside the narrow heteronormative, monogamous framework that we call the norm. With the right people, under the right circumstances, and with crystal clear communication, hooking up with your friend(s) can be a wonderful way to explore, grow, and expand your sexual horizons in a low-risk setting.
