Popular Misconceptions

A Blessing In Da Skies

Please Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood

I was recently corrected by a friend. Not a good friend, but one of those perpetual acquaintances that matched my Venn Diagram of Sports, Book Reading, and Boobies in my early twenties. We’ve been showing up to the same parties for fifteen years now. If these trends continue, this loser is probably going to speak at my funeral.

Last week this pitiable dud decided to embarrass me in front of my actual friends. I was telling a story, attracting a lot of attention to myself, when the dud interrupted:

“It’s not ‘A blessing in the skies’,” the dud said. “It’s ‘A blessing in disguise.’”

Hoping that this douche was wrong, I quickly took to Google. There it was: a blessing in disguise.

How can I ever be sure of anything again? What if every truth I’ve held dear for the last thirty-five years turns out to be utter hogwash?

That’s where you come in. I need the readers of Doctor Funny to assure me that these long-held beliefs — these principles that provide the foundation of Western civilization as we know it — are in fact true. If any of the following turns out to be false, please feel free to call me a silly cunt in the comments.

If you don’t comment, I’ll assume everything below is true, and will continue to live my life accordingly.

Bed Pans

Bed pans are cooking accessories that provide extra flavor to any meal. The reason why you keep these pots near a bed is to make sure that nobody steals them in the middle of the night. I’ve been using my bedpan to make Mac & Cheese for fifteen years, and no matter how many bougie hipster restaurants I attend, nobody can match that homemade tang.

Ice Cream Trucks

Ice cream trucks only play music when they are out of ice cream. All those stupid kids running after those bells sure are in for a big disappointment.

FUCK is an acronym

The word ‘fuck’ is actually an acronym that stands for ‘Feline Umbilical Cord Ketchup’. My elderly neighbor Mavis makes up a big batch of FUCK and gives everyone in the neighborhood a FUCK wad. Unfortunately, the process is so vigorous that she can only gear herself up for a FUCK session once a year, so don’t bother asking me to share because I don’t give a FUCK.

420

People often associate the number 420 with smoking weed because this is the number of millimeters a man’s penis will grow when he’s high as balls.

Boners

Everyone in their right mind — but especially my Uncle Larry — knows that skeletons are also known as boners. Why else would my mother suggest that Larry always has plenty of boners when the kids come trick or treating at his house.

Baby Showers

It is my understanding that a baby shower is an event at which a woman sits politely on a sofa, surrounded by all her friends. Then a man climbs a ladder and rains semen down on her, and nine months later you’ve got yourself a baby sister.

Marriage

The definition of marriage is perfectly straightforward and hasn’t changed in thousands of years. A marriage is an optical illusion, caused by atmospheric conditions, especially the appearance of a sheet of water in a desert or on a hot road caused by the refraction of light from the sky by heated air.

Entrapment

If you ask a police officer whether or not they are a cop, they are legally bound to admit it. This is why I start every conversation with strangers, priests in confession booths, therapists, close friends, and my mother by asking: “You wouldn’t by any chance happen to be an undercover police officer would you?” So far only my mother has said yes, but she has severe dementia, and has also admitted to being an astronaut, a cantaloupe, and the daughter of Elvis Presley.

Enjoyed yourself? Then read this Stupid:

Also this is funny as Feline Umbilical Cord Ketchup: Adam Robinson