Boost Your Self-Compassion Immediately With These 8 Science Backed Exercises
A Guide to Healthier Ways of Dealing With Your Inner Critic
What could be more comforting than the gentle embrace of a loved one in times of crisis? Imagine if you could give yourself that feeling. Because you can.
The key word here is self-compassion. By treating yourself the way you would treat a loved one, you not only instantly increase your sense of well-being, chances are your overall mental health will improve.
In theory, it sounds so simple: just be a little nicer to yourself.
However, reality quickly throws a wrench in the works. It’s hard to break patterns that have been ingrained for years.
That’s why I’ve been huddled behind my desk, pounding away at the keyboard in search of solutions. The result: 8 exercises guaranteed to help you deal with the next crisis in a self-compassionate way.
Self-Compassion? What Is That?
Kristin Neff, professor of psychology and personal development at the University of Texas, has been researching the topic for many years and calls herself a “self-compassion evangelist”.
For her, being kind and benevolent to oneself is the key to mental health and a growing body of scientific research is proving her right.
According to the pioneer, self-compassion consists of 3 components:
- Self-kindness: being kind and gentle with oneself — even, or especially, in difficult times.
- Sense of common humanity: acknowledging that both suffering and personal failure are integral aspects of the collective human journey rather than isolating occurrences.
- Mindfulness: focusing on the present helps to be able to accept yourself — with all your strengths and flaws.
The Self-Compassion 101
In 2014 Elke Smeets and her team, including Neff herself, developed a brief intervention based on the 3 components. In their efficacy study, they performed with the intervention group the very exercises I’m going to guide you through:
- The bracelet exercise
For the first exercise, you will need something like a bracelet, a ring, or something similar. Carry it with you for the coming time. Every time you speak to yourself in a harsh and critical tone, change the side you are wearing the object on.
Becoming aware of our behavior is the basic prerequisite for change. And sometimes that alone is enough to make us react differently in a similar situation.
2. The Self-Compassion Cheat Sheet
Grab a pen and pad and think about how you treat yourself in difficult times. Remember typical self-critical thoughts and write them down on a sheet of paper.
Now ask yourself what you actually need to feel comforted and understood. Write this down on a separate sheet and always carry it close at hand.
In stressful times, we automatically fall back on our typical response. However, the self-compassion note is a small recall aid to counteract our automatically occurring self-critical thoughts in times of distress.
3. Ritualized self-kindness
The best way to learn new things is to practice them — preferably in the form of rituals. To practice self-kindness, first think of three loving and kind phrases (e.g., “I wish for you to be happy”) and a specific time (e.g. every night before bed). Now say the sentences to yourself every day at the chosen time.
Ta-da — your self-kindness ritual is ready.
4. Try out new motivational strategies
Are you convinced that only self-criticism motivates you enough to take action? Then challenge that belief with a simple exercise:
Grab a pen and a piece of paper and think for a moment about how you can motivate yourself by being compassionate instead of critical. Try out the compassionate strategies the next time you need a motivational boost.
I’m sure you got to your goal that way, too — and you got the good feeling for free!
5. “What I like about myself is that…”
We’re pretty good at picking ourselves to pieces. So for once, let’s turn the tables by writing down 5 things you appreciate about yourself. How does it feel to talk about yourself positively? I’m sure the answer is: “pretty good”!
6. The Self-Compassion Mantra
Think of three self-compassion phrases that you can recite to yourself mantra-like during stressful times. Each phrase should contain a self-compassion component and be specific to your situation.
Examples needed? No worries, here they come:
“This moment is stressful” (mindfulness)
“I am not alone in feeling this way. Others are experiencing it as well” (sense of common humanity)
“To make the most of this, I may be kind to myself now” (self-kindness).
Use the sentences in everyday life from now on as often as possible.
7. The empathetic letter
Instead of accepting our daily struggles as an unsolvable given, let’s look at it as a self-compassion challenge. Write a letter to yourself describing a current problem — but from the perspective of a friend who is unconditionally kind, accepting, and compassionate. Read through the letter several times over the next week.
8. The Self-Compassion Journal
We know from research that keeping a journal is an effective way to express emotions and increase your sense of well-being. But that’s not all: writing regularly will also make it easier for you to be self-compassionate in the long run — provided you practice your kind and forgiving interactions in your journal as well.
What Science Says About These Exercises
If you still have any doubts about the effectiveness of these exercises, let’s take a look at the research results of Smeets and her team.
After only 3 weeks and 3 sessions, compared to a control group, the intervention group felt more self-compassionate, optimistic, mindful, and reported a stronger belief that they could handle difficult situations well.
Long story short: with these exercises, you are guaranteed to be ready for the next crisis. And the best part is that you only need yourself to do it.
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