2 Reasons Why You Should NOT Be Nice To Yourself
You don’t kick someone who is already down. You know that even as a child. However, we seem to be all too happy to make an exception, namely for ourselves.
But is that really such a bad thing?
Here are 2 reasons why you should talk to yourself a little more sternly sometimes.
1. Self-Criticism Pushes Us
If you are not strict with yourself, you will never achieve anything. Because being too kind to yourself makes you lazy and that will get you nowhere — except possibly into quite unpleasant situations!
Just imagine the mistakes you would make if you showed up to an important appointment ill-prepared. You certainly won’t get your dream job this way. A raise? Only in your dreams!
Without a good dose of self-criticism, there is a danger that you won’t work hard enough and won’t recognize your own mistakes. So with self-criticism, you motivate yourself for constant self-improvement.
2. With Self-Criticism We Can Get Rid of Bad Behaviors
Even as a child, we are punished for misconduct. As adults, we have to take it upon ourselves to do so. Why? Because with punishment you get rid of your bad behavior and become a better person!
If you have once again shied away from sports, eaten too unhealthily or spent too much money, you shouldn’t also pamper yourself with kind words. That’s no way to get rid of annoying traits and habits — is it?
I mean, who is going to appreciate or even love you, if you are fat, broke and not even successful? Obviously self-criticism enables us to not let it get to that point in the first place. It makes us a more efficient person, right?
Wrong.
Why We Should All Be Less Self-Critical
We might think we need self-criticism so that we don’t let ourselves go. But the idea of living in a world where you can only make it by putting yourself down is not only very dreary, but also completely misguided.
In fact, just the opposite is true: There is a growing body of scientific research that shows that self-compassionate people not only feel better in general, they also report fewer mental health problems.
A 2019 meta-analysis even concludes that self-compassion-based interventions positively influence eating behaviors, positive affect, life satisfaction and mindfulness. Furthermore, they reduce negative affect, rumination, stress, depression, anxiety and self-criticism.
Why Some People Are Prone to Self-Criticism and Some Are Not
Of course, everyone is self-critical from time to time. However, researchers suspect that self-critical behavior is encouraged by certain circumstances.
People from dysfunctional families, such as (adult) children of alcoholic parents like myself, seem to be particularly at risk of becoming entangled in self-critical thought patterns.
This is because they are more likely to have been criticized a lot by close people or generally perceive their environment as unsupportive. Self-criticism can even serve as a protective mechanism, for example, when it would be too dangerous to blame the person who is actually harming you (such as an abusive partner or parent).
Self-criticism can also be an expression of the inability to deal with one’s own anger. If, for example, one has had the experience as a child that the expression of anger leads to parental withdrawal of love, the feeling of anger will at some point also be associated with fear.
As an adult, you may then feel fearful instead of angry in conflict situations — and react with self-recrimination, regardless of whether it is appropriate or not.
No matter why we are so strict with ourselves: Permanent self-criticism can develop into downright self-hatred, so that many do not build up a healthy self-esteem.
Cut Yourself Some Slack
Self-compassion means dealing with yourself as you would with loved ones: kindly and benevolently. This does not make us weaker, but more resilient.
By treating ourselves with love, we feel safe and comforted even in challenging times. In this state, we can give our best.
So, yes, by all means don’t be nice to yourself — if you absolutely want to boycott your well-being. But I promise you that you’ll do better if you cut yourself some slack next time — nobody’s perfect.
To stay updated on all my stories about children of alcoholics and how Mental Health is portrayed in movies and TV, be sure to subscribe to my email notifications. Also, I always appreciate claps and comments as feedback on how you liked this topic in particular!
Sources:
Exploring compassion: A meta-analysis of the association between self-compassion and psychopathology
Self-Compassion Interventions and Psychosocial Outcomes: a Meta-Analysis of RCTs
The Relationship Between Self-Compassion and Well-Being: A Meta-Analysis