7 Tips for Finding Your Happily Ever After Person

These dating tips helped me find my person.

Ultimately, I believe the only secret to a happy marriage is choosing the right person. Life is a series of choices, right?

Michelle Pfeiffer

Finding a life partner isn’t necessary but some of us want that connection. This is written for people who want that and don’t currently have it. They detail the dating philosophy I employed in my early 20s and then later, in my 30s.

If your goal is only for a wedding, read no further.

I celebrated my 33rd birthday as a newly minted divorcee. My first marriage ended a month shy of 11 years.

After waiting for a little over a year, I stepped a toe back into the dating world. At that point, I refined my philosophy a little and came up with this list.

If your goal is only for a wedding, read no further. The to-do list for finding a warm body is shorter than the one for a true life partner.

This dating philosophy is intended to help find a solid partner to travel through life with. I married mine, but the marriage wasn’t the point. I wanted a deep connection with someone. I wanted to find my person.

I slowly discovered what I wanted a relationship to be as I recognized that these men weren’t going to get it for me.

This advice is coming from a white, CIS woman. If you aren’t the same, your mileage may vary. No guarantees but this method worked for me. If your goal is to find someone you fit with comfortably, this may help.

I dated a lot during the short time frame I was a single adult. Well, that’s my perception. There were four short years that were full of short-term relationships.

I am so grateful for those years and for meeting those men. I slowly discovered what I wanted a relationship to be as I recognized that these men weren’t going to get it for me.

Every single one of them was nice. They treated me well. The long-term potential just wasn’t there. Either they saw it, or I did. We wished each other well and went on with our lives. No harm no foul.

That takes me into the list.

1. Know yourself. Once you do, accept yourself. This is the most important factor. How can you determine whether another person will make you happy if you don’t know what it would take?

Spend time getting to know yourself. Eat alone sometimes. Sit with a cup of coffee in the park and watch the ducks. Do whatever you can to discover who you are and what you want.

While you are doing all this, live your life. Experience things. Discover you don’t like swimming in the ocean but love reading a book beside a stream. Realize hiking isn’t your jam but a painting class is.

2. Look around. Be friendly. If you look at your feet all the time, a lot is going to go over your head. If you see someone you’d like to get to know, please smile at them.

This may result in a friendship or a date. Or not. Worst-case scenario: you have practiced your smile and felt good about yourself.

3. Be open to a variety of dates. Date a variety until it becomes clear what your “type” really is. Don’t discount the guy with brown hair. Or, if you like guys with brown hair, don’t discount the one with red hair.

I have a thing for tall men. I still accepted dates with nice men who were close to my height. I wore flats and gave them a shot. Full discloser: both men I married were 6 feet tall. You can’t see it but I just shrugged.

Getting back to being open to a variety of dates, this doesn’t mean dating jerks. If a little voice in your head says a guy is sketchy, don’t date him. Repeat after me: listen to the little voice.

Also, don’t date your boss or the married person who flirts with you. That is, don’t do it if your goal is a long-term relationship based on equal power and respect. You do you. I’m just trying to set you up for success.

Note: it is possible your boss is the great love of your life and I am wrong. I don’t know everything. Be careful if that is a road you want to go down, though. And don’t tell anyone I said it was a good idea.

4. Narrow down ‘your type.’ By being open to, and going on, a variety of dates, you will narrow the field down to your actual type. Not the type you think fits but the type of person you actually click with.

I was an English major in college. I hung out with other liberal arts majors and creative types. None of the dates with “my people” went anywhere. I had no idea why.

I also dated mechanics, store clerks, and salesmen. Not that the jobs were who they were. It is shorthand for the various people I dated.

Then I started dating engineers. Guys with a college degree in higher mathematics get me hot and bothered. Who knew? Not me.

I discovered I’d rather go watch Star Wars with a nerdy type than hang around reading poetry with one of “my people.” Strange but true. I embraced my inner nerd once I began dating techie types.

My family is full of retail clerks and plumbers. I have no idea why my type is a highly educated, logical thinker.

Two days ago, my husband and I watched the new Brad Pitt film Ad Astra. We left the theater complaining about the bad science in the script.

As he expanded on why the film’s “laser” message transmission wouldn’t work the way it did in the film, I thought he was sexy. Weird. I get it but I know myself (remember #1?) and accept it.

Guys with technical skills and engineer-type brain function interest me. That is a huge subset of potential dates. It has to be narrowed down from there.

Let’s say your type includes mechanics. My mom married two of them. She liked men who did practical things. Ones who were good with their hands and could repair things.

That was her type. That didn’t mean she would have had a successful relationship with any man who could use a wrench. It was a starting point.

5. Ask yourself if the other person is easy to be with. Is the relationship all about drama? Is there jealousy and confusion? Do you thrive on this? Feel that it makes the sex hotter or the love more profound?

I hope not. I wanted my marriage to be the equivalent of a Golden Retriever. Soft and comfortable. No drama. Lots of friendship and good sex.

Okay, that sounds gross. Sex with the guy, not the Golden Retriever.

If you need the high-octane relationship vibe, more power to you. It appears to me that those relationships don’t make the grade long term. Only you can decide if you need that level of disruption to feel loved.

6. Talk and listen to each other. All the items on my list are important but none more than this. Honesty is important. Listening is important. So is asking questions.

• Do you want the same things?
• Do you see your future the same way?
• When you see your future, does this person fit?

If all these things happen and you feel good about them, there are still no guarantees. Going into the relationship with your eyes open gives you a solid starting point.

7. Pay attention to how the other person behaves. It goes without saying that you should be a good person and treat your significant other well. It is equally important that you are being treated well.

Don’t accept bad behavior. If they treat you poorly before you have a ring on your finger, that ring isn’t going to improve their behavior.

Remember: your boots are made for walking. If you aren’t treated right, walk right on out of the relationship.

Early in our dating relationship, I didn’t only pay attention to how my husband treated me. I watched and listened to him as he fathered his son. He was a good father. A great father.

As a divorced woman, I felt disrespected by my former husband. I also wanted to know how he treated the mother of his son.

The answer? He respected her. They were a great co-parenting team.

Pay attention to these things. I will say it again: pay attention.

Remember, also, they are paying attention to your behavior as well. Since you have worked on yourself and you know you are a good person, this doesn’t bother you.

After this, you are on your own. A long-term live-in relationship is basically a marriage in all but name. If it progresses to marriage, also pay attention during the wedding planning process.

We have all heard the stories of terrible bridezillas. There is an equivalent version of a groomzilla. If you find yourself in the wedding planning process with one of these, consider your next move carefully.

I am aware of people who thought the marriage was doomed on their wedding day. So much money had been spent and so many people were there to celebrate, they went through with the ceremony. The divorce followed not long after.

Save yourself some trouble. If a voice is screaming in your ear to run, listen. Combining your emotional and financial future with someone while your inner voice is having a meltdown is a bad idea.

A conversation with a parent, sibling or best friend is in order. If you determine the wedding is a bad idea, don’t go through with it.

Call that sucker off. Go ahead and have the party if you want. The money has been spent. But don’t make the wedding legal. Just don’t.

I hope these ideas are food for thought. In short, it boils down to:

• Work on yourself.
• Be open to dating a variety of people until you find a keeper.
• Try to figure out “your type” so you can narrow your dating scope a little.
• Once you are dating someone you think is a keeper, discover how comfortable you are together.
• Work on open communication with each other
• Pay attention to how the other person behaves to make sure they are who they say they are

There you have it.

After one failed ten year marriage, my second one is going strong after almost nineteen years. To me, our success is best illustrated by the fact that I am just as happy watching television with him in the evening as I’d be doing something exciting.

We’ve built a life and we are happy living it together. I love curling up next to him each night, even if he does snore. He’s my person.

If you want to find your person, I hope this list provided some food for thought and helps in your quest.

The secret of a happy marriage is finding the right person. You know they’re right if you love to be with them all the time.

Julia Child

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