7 Things to Give up if You Want to Have a Healthier Mindset
Definition of Mindset:
The established set of attitudes held by someone.
— Oxford Dictionary
You’ve read the self-improvement books. You’ve attended workshops or retreats. You’ve gone to therapy or worked with a coach. You’ve worked meditating into your morning routine. Hell, you even created a morning routine.
You’ve tried a ton of different avenues to achieve a healthier mindset.
You know your mindset is your greatest navigation piece; it operates as your GPS through life.
You follow where it leads you. Sometimes it feels like you’re gliding through life, feeling awesome. Other times it’s led you straight into the fiery pits of hell.
When it comes to achieving a healthier mindset, you typically focus on what attitudes you need to adopt. What you need to try or what you need to invite into your life.
But what about the crap that’s continually in the way? What about the stuff you currently have in your life that makes achieving a healthier mindset more difficult? No matter how much you try to add to your life, these roadblocks refuse to budge.
You need to give some shit up and move it out of your life to make room for more growth. You. need to abolish some of these roadblocks that will continually be the poison to your progress.
Give up…. Trusting your first thought.
Why do you trust the first thought that appears in your head? Why do you invest any ounce of your energy into a first thought that you don’t even know has any truth in it?
Your first thought usually is littered with our negative bias. It’s trying to protect you and help you. survive. But it’s usually creating a whirlwind of unnecessary negativity.
My friend had done some pro-bono work for a company and they wanted to hire her, this time as a paid gig. She arrived on a Friday at the agreed-upon time. The point person she was meeting could not attend because of an unexpected crisis.
My friend reached out to her point-person. Letting them know she showed up and wished them well as they tended to the crisis that had arisen.
They responded quickly, profusely thanking my friend for her patience and understanding. They exchanged a few messages back and forth, trying to set a new date for their meeting. The messages had stopped and a few days went by since my friend heard from her potential new boss.
My friend was on the verge of tears recounting the story. She swore she must’ve done something wrong to not receive a response. She had spent her entire week trying to figure out what mistake she made and how it cost her this job.
My friend’s first thought when she didn’t get a response was, “I must have done something wrong. What could I have done wrong?” She then continued to invest in this first thought that she had. A week of putting energy into this thought and her mindset was an absolute mess.
Whenever a thought appears in your head, take out your magnifying glass and start investigating.
What is the truth of the situation? The cold, hard facts of what is happening.
For my friend, the facts were this person was going through a crisis. She had apologized for her absence, and they had tried to set a new date, even though it was unsuccessful thus far. Probably because of fact, they’re dealing with a crisis. Which I’m assuming has consumed much of their week and has had some residual side effects.
Whenever your first thought appears and it’s something negative — pause and ask yourself what the facts of the situation are. What is the truth? Then search for other thoughts that are there. Do not just trust your first one because it appeared first.
Thoughts become feelings, and feelings mean something to us. Feelings affect us on a deep level, which means our thoughts have the power to change the course of our entire day or week.
Give up…. Any absolutes.
‘All, none, must, except, every, not, always, just, only, and never’.
“I can never do that….”
“It’s always been done this way, so it will always be this way….”
“This is the only way to do it…”
“It must be done this way…”
Whenever your thoughts signal to an absolute, you need to reflect on the situation and reframe what you’re thinking.
It’s like when couples fight and the absolutes get spewed at each other. “You never do any of the housework!” “You’re ALWAYS nagging me about XYZ”.
There’s usually little to no truth anytime an absolute is attached to a thought. Absolutes keep you small and they keep you trapped. They take away your power.
“The way things have always been done, or this is the way things are now — well, this is just how it is.” Stop it. It doesn’t have to continue being done this way just because it always has been.
There is rarely an unchangeable situation. By allowing yourself to believe things are always done this way, there’s no hope for change.
So your brain will continue dwelling on the fact that this will always and forever be a problem. Which is silly because it won’t be if you reframed your thoughts and looked at this from a new angle.
Banish absolutes. They’re a slippery slope to go down and mentally keep you in a cage of “never” and “always”.
Give up… Engaging with people who disempower you.
If you hang out with 5 awesome people, soon you’ll be the 6th — if you hang out with 5 wack people, soon you’ll be the 6th.
Who empowers you? Who dis-empowers you?
You know when you spend time with someone and you leave feeling like you’re on cloud nine. You are high from their energy; you feel light and lifted, inspired, motivated, ready to take on the day.
You also know when you hang out with someone and feel you need a vacation afterward. Yet, you continue to make plans with them. And then regret it when you’re dealing with pure and utter exhaustion after being in their presence.
Or you’re hanging out with people who genuinely don’t want the best for you. They don’t lift you up. And they’d gladly step on your face if it meant they could climb higher.
Do not give these people another second of your time. Instead of telling them to lose your number, just lose theirs. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been friends since high school. Or you believe they hold the keys for an important opportunity.
These people are taking away your precious time and energy and giving you nothing in return. There are people who make you feel like a million bucks, and you wouldn't trade your time with them for bars of gold.
Focus on those people, give them your time and energy. The other people can go kick rocks. Do not let these people infiltrate their words into your precious thoughts. Do not let your mindset get polluted with their garbage.
Give up…. Living on a timeline.
If accomplishing my dream doesn’t happen by the time I’m 30…
If I’m not married by the time I’m 37…
If I don’t make a certain amount of money by the time I’m 50…
If I’m still renting when I’m 40…
Well, what if your dream isn’t realized in the way you thought it would be at 30… then what? What if you’re not married, and still renting, and aren’t making as much money as you hoped… then what?
Screw your timeline of how shit is “supposed” to happen. Screw how you thought your week, month or year would look like. Re-design your timeline to include some much-needed wiggle room.
If it doesn’t happen for you by the time you’re (insert age here) does it really matter? How much does it matter to you it happens by a specific date or number? Whether you’re 40 or 4 days older than 40… does it really change that much in your life?
Don’t let your mind play small thinking certain things have to happen in certain ways. Don’t hold your expectations of things happening on a timeline affect too much of how you view something. Timelines can send people’s dreams into the dumpster and trap them in marriages that are wrong for them.
Focus on how something feels. Focus on how much something means to you. No matter what timeline it happens on.
Give up… compromising too much.
Compromise is important, especially in personal relationships.
But too much compromise leads to resentment of the person you’re compromising for. You’ll also have resentment towards yourself. For not valuing your own thoughts, wants, or beliefs enough. And continually saying yes when you really need to be saying no or setting up some boundaries.
A healthy amount of compromise can make your personal relationships soar. Too much of it will cause a tizzy in your brain and your heart.
Know what your boundaries are and get comfortable communicating them. Communication is key to know how to navigate compromising in a way that makes everyone in the situation feel heard, seen and valued.
Do not compromise too much. It’s your life too, and you deserve to live it for yourself.
Give up… Wanting to look smart.
If you have a question, ask the damn question. Fall in love with the fact that you’re constantly developing. Get over yourself and needing others to validate your intelligence.
I’m a writer and I’m constantly asking my boyfriend what certain words he’s using mean. Sometimes we chuckle about it, but I’d rather know than nod my head and agree when I don’t know what I’m agreeing to. (Which I’ve done. And it ends up being embarrassing when you’re pressed for more information but you haven’t been able to keep up in the conversation.)
Adopt a growth mindset. Know that every day of your life you’ll be collecting more information, adding to your knowledge and intelligence.
Don’t worry what other people think about the ability of your brain.
Give up…. “constantly pushing through.”
Like our bodies, our minds need to be worked out. But just like our bodies, our minds need rest days.
We need a chance to recalibrate and stop forcing ourselves to push through every situation we face.
When we’re feeling burnt out with bullshit, we need to stop. Our exhaustion and mental fatigue will eat away at the positive mindset we’ve worked so hard to build. Whenever I need a break and that damn flicker of doubt pokes me and tells me to push through and I listen to it… I end up in a spiral of negative thoughts.
It is truly astonishing some of the shit that will flitter through my brain when I try to push through and don’t take a rest day. It’s like I’m in the gym juicing up on steroids and wondering why I have roid rage instead of taking a rest day.
Your rest days will help you push through better tomorrow.
Take-Aways
Mindset is not just what you put in, it’s also what you need to give up and throw away.
Move the BS out of your brain so you can actually make space for the positive to be ingested.
Move towards having a healthier mindset by:
Give up trusting your first thought.
Give up any absolutes.
Give up engaging with people who disempower you.
Give up living on a timeline.
Give up compromising too much.
Give up wanting to look smart.
Give up always pushing through.
Give up some of these habits to make room for healthier ones.
Your mindset is your GPS system guiding you through life. Clear its way of roadblocks so you’re smooth sailing towards the life you’ve always wanted to live, instead of constantly climbing out of the fiery pits of hell.
Maddie is a writer, voice-over artist, and certified life coach. Self-declared boxed wine aficionado.