How to Have a Powerful Perspective No Matter What Challenge Life Throws at You
Have you ever been in a situation that was truly bewildering? You threw tons of effort at trying to resolve it? Or you’ve thrown tons of time at trying to achieve a different result? You’ve spent hours of your life replaying it in your head or worrying about it?
You finally concluded that the situation was unchangeable. No amount of effort on your part could change its outcome. It will be what it will be.
You were forced to make a decision. Option one: you could stay emotionally stuck in the past where the situation resides and focus on “what” happened. Or option two: you can change yourself by choosing how you respond to the situation. Which will move you forward, away from what happened. You will focus on why it happened.
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” The power to choose how we respond is a power that can never be taken; it can only be yielded.”
— Dr. Viktor Frankl, reflecting on his time in Nazi Captivity
Dr. Viktor Frankl lost his entire family. His life would never continue on as he once knew it. I’ll go out on a ledge to say most people would become a shell of who they were. They would crumble from the pain. And no one would blame them because holy crap, what an unimaginable tragedy to endure.
Dr. Viktor Frankl went on to write ‘Man’s Search For Meaning’, which explores the desire to find one’s meaning in life and have free well. He also coined the theory of Logotherapy. Explaining that “meaning” was the central force behind human beings’ motivations in life.
We want to have meaning for our life. On the flip side, the meaning that we give “what” happens in our life can also define our life.
“What” happened is the truth. It’s a fact. It’s a reality of the situation. What happened is an event that you are already moving forward from. But it only becomes as powerful as the meaning you give it.
You have the power to let “what” happened affect you. You have the power to choose how you move forward from “what’ happened. You have the power to choose how you reflect on it. You have the power to choose how you carry it inside of you.
There are so many ways you can respond to “what” happened. Every single response you give is a choice completely within your own power. How you respond to what happened is your power. As Dr. Frankl mentions, it is a power that can never be taken from us. You always have the power to change yourself within a situation you cannot change.
We very often are living in the past or in the future. We tend to give a lot of power to past traumas, events, and situations, while worrying about the future. What if this happens, what if that happens? We attach our worth to situations that happened to us. We attach our power to “what” happened.
What is the why behind what happened? Why did it happen? How do you separate yourself and your worth away from what happened and regain your power again?
Everything that happens is there to add to you and your life, not take anything away from you. You are not “what” happened to you.
Are you willing to reframe your perspective from focusing on what happened to why it happened? Find the purpose and meaning of all that the situation offers and let that affect how you respond to it?
We have the power within ourselves to respond, react, and grow from any situation. We cannot change what has happened. But we can change ourselves and how we move forward.
To Me, By Me, For Me, Through Me
Therapist and life coach John Kim discusses various mindsets we can choose based on the situations we’re faced with in life.
The different perspectives are:
To Me: This is a victim mindset. Everything is happening to you in your life. It’s a powerless stage. Everything in the world happens to you. You are constantly a victim of life’s circumstances.
By Me: This stage is all driven by your ego. It’s your way or the highway. People who exist in this stage are afraid, and actions are based in fear. You create an island around yourself as a form of protection. You keep everyone else out and far away. Everything in your life is done by you. You do not trust others to share an experience with you; you want total control over the circumstances in your life.
For Me: This stage is where you go from powerless to powerful. You feel as if you’re deserving of all the things to happen in your life. Things can happen for you. They are for you to grow. For you to experience. For you to learn.
Through Me: This is the most powerful stage. It’s not even about you, it’s bigger than you. This is when you believe something greater is happening and you’re the conduit. You’re not operating through ego. This stage allows you to be an active part of your narrative and your story. This stage allows you to see the world through a series of “why” things have happened, not just “what” has happened.
Which stage or perspective are you operating in? You know which one it is. Whatever perspective you’re choosing is directly affecting how you’re responding to all that life is offering you.
If you’re operating as if everything in your life is happening “to you” and you’re in a victim state of mind, how would it feel to see what’s happening as something that’s occurring through you? For a reason? Why is what’s happening moving through you? And can you let it move through you?
The perspective you’re choosing directly affects how you’re responding to what is happening in your life. And you’re either responding in a powerful way, or powerless way.
I have two Aunt Colleen’s on opposite sides of my family, and they both married men named Jeff. Weird, I know. Both of my Uncle Jeff’s died unexpectedly from different health issues. Both events were shocking and traumatic. Both of my Aunts could not change “what” happened. It was completely out of their control. The only thing they had control over how they responded to their individual tragedies.
One aunt has two young children to solo parent. My other aunt had to rebuild a solo life for herself without her partner. Both of them were amazingly strong and brave. It amazed me how they responded to “what” happened.
They didn’t victimize themselves or feel like this happened to them. They both asked, “What can happen through me right now?” How can I make my husband’s legacy live on through me for my daughters? How can I take all the love my husband gifted me and let that shine through me so other people can know it’s possible?
They could’ve been so pissed off that that they no longer got to walk through the world with their loves. Or they could’ve held on to the fact they were lucky enough to experience such deep love. They both chose the ladder.
Back in the 90s, one of my Uncle Jeff’s was featured in “San Francisco’s 50 Hottest Bachelor’s Gay or Straight.” His featured section ended by asking, “What’s a quote you life live by?” His answer was, “Life’s a party and parties weren’t meant to last.” This became the last line in his eulogy and unsurprising enough, was exactly how he lived his life. As if it was one big party. His funeral went down as “one of the most fun funeral’s I’ve ever been to,” by many funeral goers. The funeral was a celebration. It was one big ol’ party. It was exactly what we would’ve wanted. We could’ve all let our sadness take over and let it be a truly horrible day. Instead, we partied. It paved the way for how we all continued to respond as a family to his passing. When the tears want to come on, we party on. We let his legacy life through us.
Communicating With Your Negative Bias
The negative bias is our tendency not only to register negative stimuli more readily but also to dwell on these events. Also known as positive-negative asymmetry, this negativity bias means that we feel the sting of a rebuke more powerfully than we feel the joy of praise.
This psychological phenomenon explains why bad first impressions can be so difficult to overcome and why past traumas can have such long lingering effects. In almost any interaction, we are more likely to notice negative things and later remember them more vividly.
— Kendra Cheery, verywell mind
The makeup of our brains naturally focuses on the negative. It’s there to protect us and help us survive. But it’s annoying as all hell. Despite it being there to aid us in basic human survival, it can sometimes take away our ability to thrive.
How can you communicate with your negativity bias? Well, if our brains are naturally drawn to the negative, we need to raise our positive resonance.
I took a class with Noelle Cordeaux, and she talked about neuroplasticity, which is the ability to create new pathways, habits and connections within our brain. Our brains continue to grow and change over our entire lifespan.
We have the ability to take a response that we have to a past situation and transform it, creating a new response. We can create a Gremlin.
Definition of a Gremlin: an imaginary mischievous sprite regarded as responsible for an unexplained problem or fault, especially a mechanical or electronic one.
These are the negative responses that appear in your brain. They are deceitful, annoying, and try to keep you small. They try to keep you stuck in past and away from owning your worth. One way to respond differently to them is to give them a name.
Maybe your gremlin appears every time you sit down to write. He snickers in your ear. “Hahaha, here’s the fool trying to sit down and write some words of actual meaning again! Bullshit. Don’t quit your day job, pal. Have fun in the soul-sucking corporate cycle forever, because that’s all your worth.”
We’ll name this gremlin Worthless Wally.
He looks like a little, fat, blue, hairy bridge troll with a Fu Manchu mustache. He appears to remind you how worthless your dreams and ambitions are. The next time you sit down to write I want you to see Worthless Wally standing on your desk taunting you, and I want you to flick him off as hard as you can.
And continue flicking him off every time he tries to come visit you. It will take time, but eventually Worthless Wally will come to visit you less and less. You may even get joy out of flicking that ugly gremlin off your desk.
What if you’re going through a divorce you never thought you’d be going through? This is the person you once loved. Maybe you still love them, and now you’re watching your relationship crumble. You wanted to save it; they didn’t. They’re assuring you, there’s nothing you can do to keep them in this relationship. There is nothing about this situation you can change. The only thing you can change is the how you respond to this challenge.
How are you going to show yourself love through this time?
How are you going to respond to your own emotions?
How are you going to respond to this person you’re going through this with?
How are you going to choose to move forward and respond to the fact that you can move forward?
How will you change and evolve to meet the situation and not be taken over by it?
What can you do to stop replaying the moments of what happened over and over and start responding differently? Can you use a gremlin to move past reflecting and towards de-reflecting? Can your gremlin help you respond differently in the present moment?
This helps you create a new habit and neuro-pathway. This helps you take your negativity bias and shift it to something that’s positive. Through making this response a habit, you are re-harnessing your power. You are choosing how you respond to the thoughts, feelings, and fears that appear. You’re shifting your perspective, and that my friends is one of the most powerful gifts you can give yourself.
Practice communicating with your negativity bias. Practice reframing your perspective from what is happening to why it’s happening. Practice infusing your response with a positivity. Flick that gremlin off your shoulder. They don’t belong there anymore. Your worth, purpose and passions depend on it.
Take-Aways
Dr. Frankl identified three main ways of realizing meaning in life: by making a difference in the world, by having particular experiences, or by adopting particular attitudes.
You will always have the power to choose how you respond. It will not be easy right away. You will want to react rather than respond.
You are not “what” has happened in your life. And “what” has happened only holds as much power and meaning as you give it. You are only in control of your response. You only have power over how you respond to the challenges that arise in your life.
Can you allow what occurs in your life to happen “through you?” Can you be a conduit for something greater to happen? Where it’s not even about you anymore, but something bigger than you?
You will always be able to change yourself when you can no longer change a situation. You will always have the power of your response.
Maddie is a writer, voice-over artist and certified life coach. Self-declared boxed wine aficionado. She’d love to hear all your thoughts at [email protected]
