7 Reminders When the Relationship You Wanted Doesn’t Work Out
What to tell yourself when you’ve been disappointed by love
We expect too much of ourselves. We think we’re supposed to be able to tell which relationships are going to work out and which ones aren’t and forget entirely that other people are unpredictable — that life, too, is unpredictable. Relationship endings can bring grief, disappointment, and even shame that we didn’t know better.
But of course, we couldn’t. Loving other people is always a risk that they will not love us in return or that they will love us but won’t fit into our lives. The very unpredictable nature of relationships makes us at once both brave and foolhardy to enter them. This is why love requires elements of faith, courage, and vulnerability.
A relationship I wanted very much failed. Any grief I had experienced in relationships before paled in comparison to this one. What complicated my grief is that I still had so much love, respect, and admiration for him even after it was over. I couldn’t simply hate him and move on. I could only hurt and wonder when the hurt would stop.
We cannot believe the things we think when our hearts are broken. The hurt speaks louder even than love. Negative self-talk abounds, and we may need a few reminders to survive the heartrending experience of disappointed love.
Their Inability to See Your Worth Doesn’t Make You Worthless
The end of a relationship isn’t only heartbreaking; it also bruises the ego. The sense of rejection can be all-encompassing. Yet, someone else’s inability to see our worth doesn’t make us worthless. It doesn’t mean we won’t be valued partners to someone else. It certainly doesn’t mean we don’t deserve love and healthy relationships.
We are still worthy of love. No matter what happened. No matter how they feel about us. No matter how we feel about ourselves. We are all worthy of love. It hurts to lose people we love, but it doesn’t mean that we aren’t worthy of it. It just means the relationship wasn’t the right one for us.
Being Wrong Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Trust Yourself
After my last relationship ended, I struggled with trusting myself again. I had sincerely believed that the relationship was right for me in every way — that it was the kind that would last. When it ended, I wondered how I was supposed to be able to trust myself when I was wrong about something so significant.
I was drawing the wrong conclusions. Just because the relationship was right for me doesn’t mean it was right for him. Moreover, it doesn’t mean that it was meant to last. That doesn’t invalidate my feelings. I honored how I felt. He honored how he felt. It didn’t last. Being wrong about the longevity doesn’t mean I can’t trust myself in relationships or trust my feelings. It just means I can’t possibly know everything or predict the future.
What They Think About You is None of Your Business
Does it hurt my feelings that a person I love could hate me? Of course. Yet, I have spent too much time caring about how I was perceived post-relationship. Doing this creates two problems. First, if we’re focused on their feelings, we’re not properly focused on our own healing. Second, how other people feel about us is truly not our business. Their feelings are valid even if we don’t like them — and the reverse is also true.
So many people leave relationships and care how the other person perceives them. They try to look happy on social media or flaunt their new interests online for all to see, hoping their ex will see it and regret their decisions. For me, I tried to be a friend when my heart was broken. It kept getting in the way of my healing, but I cared more about disappointing him than hurting myself until the pain became too much to bear. In the end, we have to focus on ourselves and stop worrying how they think of us. We cannot control the narrative. We can only create our own.
How They Treated You is a Reflection of Them, Not of You
It’s true that we teach other people how to treat us with our boundaries, communication, and the behaviors we allow in our lives. At the same time, it’s equally true that how other people treat us is a reflection of their growth journey. I could have had stronger boundaries and better communication, but that doesn’t mean I deserved being mistreated in past relationships. I can learn to take responsibility for myself without taking on the responsibility of someone else’s behavior.
This is difficult for many of us to accept. Ignoring red flags may mean we have more work to do in our relationships, but it doesn’t mean that we deserved any disrespect or unkindness in our relationships. The ultimate shift in personal growth comes when we have clear boundaries and expectations and stop entertaining people who don’t respect them. In the words of Maya Angelou, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
You Aren’t Entitled to the Person You Want or Feel You Deserve
This one might sting for some people. We can want a person, love them, and feel like we’re the best possible match for them — and they still get to decide otherwise. Just as we are entitled to our feelings, other people are entitled to theirs.
Sometimes, heartbreak leaves us with an entitlement mindset. This isn’t maturity. It’s our inner child crying over the sense of unfairness and rejection that comes with not getting what we want. We can still want what we want, but maturity requires that we let people go when they want to leave. We accept their decision. We accept that they have every right to design a life that doesn’t include us if that is their choice. Acceptance is the last stage of the grief process for a reason — it’s the most difficult.
The Why Doesn’t Matter as Much as the What Now
We can spend all day wondering why a relationship ended the way it did. We can trace the relationship arc back to the beginning and follow every moment trying to find the clues. Or we can accept the end, stop worrying about the Why, and start focusing on What Now.
The why doesn’t matter in the end. Understanding doesn’t always bring us closure. It’s important to remind ourselves that we need to shift our focus to the present. Not what next but what now. In the beginning, we might only be able to see ourselves from one self-care task to the next as we hurt and grieve. As we heal, we can begin to shift into creating lives we love again. We focus on our interests and the things that bring us joy. We begin to build a future on the foundation of today’s happiness rather than yesterday’s disappointed hopes.
Disappointed Love Doesn’t Mean All Love Will Disappoint You
So many people draw the same wrong conclusion about disappointed love — that all love will disappoint. It’s not true. It just feels true when we don’t end up with the person we wanted. Giving up on relationships isn’t the answer. It’s certainly an answer, but is it the best one?
It’s no better than jumping from one relationship to the next with no time to grieve in between. In both cases, we come to an unhealthy conclusion rather than taking the time to heal and be open to love. Remember: love is a risk, but it will always be worth taking. If we’re learning the lessons of each failed relationship, we should begin to see different experiences and outcomes — each healthier than the last.
Relationships end — even when we wish they wouldn’t. It hurts, but we heal. In some cases, it takes a long time. These reminders can serve to help us accept the truth. We deserve to be happy and hopeful again. We need to let go — not to free them but to open ourselves up to new experiences, new feelings, and even new love should it come our way.
