6 Essential Rules for Dating a MILF

If you’re not ready, don’t waste her time.

Like Fight Club’s first rule, the first rule of dating a MILF is simple: If you’re still using “MILF” as terminology for a woman you’re interested in, you’re not mature enough to date.

MILF, meaning “Mothers I’d Like to Fuck”, is an acronym that may have roots in pornography but has certainly infiltrated pop culture. It’s so prevalent that I don’t know many moms who haven’t had it lobbed their way a time or two. It’s meant to signal interest, but often, it’s just a red flag of immaturity at best and misogyny at worst.

This staple of rape culture lingers in our speech, and yet there are always men quick to dive headlong into an argument for why MILF should remain in use despite all indication that it’s harmful to women. There are many reasons the person termed a MILF is unlikely to be interested in the kind of person who uses that phrase (yes, I realize there are exceptions, but we’ll shelve the topic of internalized misogyny for a later date). Here are the rules you may need to know.

Don’t Waste Her Time

A mother, particularly a single mother, is a woman with her hands full. I should know; I am one. We’ve got a full load of responsibilities, and what we don’t need is an immature partner to add to the burden. Don’t waste our time because we don’t have time to waste. What we do choose to give is given to the select few who earn that place in our lives — not to the catcalling, MILF-proclaiming man who hasn’t yet learned that it’s possible to desire women while also respecting them.

Don’t Assume She Needs You

From personal experience and from talking to the many single mothers I know, we’re not dating in order to snag a stepparent for our children or a second income for our households. While the potential for stepparenting is certainly a consideration, most of us are looking for someone to love and to love us.

There’s this mistaken idea that single mothers need a partner — heteronormative ideas assert it’s a man — but the truth is that we already know we can do it all on our own. If we choose to partner someone, it’s likely out of want rather than need.

We’re not so hard up for attention and another parent figure that we’re going to compromise our standards or independence to get it.

Don’t Mistake Being Alone for Loneliness

The “MILF”, as one so charmingly phrases it, reading a book on her lunch break might not actually be lonely. In fact, there’s a huge difference between being alone and feeling lonely — one that often flies right over the heads of men who think their very presence should be a sufficient reason for us to both settle and rejoice in order to avoid the perceived horror of being alone.

For many of us, we’re old enough to realize that there are worse things than being single and that being partnered doesn’t excuse us from the experience of feeling lonely at times. Some of the loneliest people I’ve ever met were partnered. I used to be one of them.

Don’t Mistake Attractiveness as an Invitation for Sexual Overtures

Women who also happen to be mothers are allowed to post attractive, sexy, and provocative photos online. We’re allowed to exist as sexual beings before, during, and after pregnancy and childbirth. Attractive mothers exist. This doesn’t mean we’re inviting sexual overtures.

There’s a difference between expressing attraction or desire and using objectifying and demeaning language.

Anyone who can’t figure out the difference should probably stop dating until they’re capable of doing so. Like consent, this is a subject that anyone who’s dating should be capable of understanding.

Don’t Expect Her to Appreciate Your Appreciation

There’s always room in the comments section for someone to remind us how grateful we should be that anyone finds us attractive at all, particularly as women of a certain age who have had children are considered by society to be less attractive than others. This very idea is so deeply rooted in misogyny that I have neither the time nor the interest in excavating it at the moment for closer inspection.

Whether someone offers a genuine and non-offensive compliment or a poorly aimed “MILF” in our direction, we’re not actually entitled to be grateful that someone else finds us appealing.

Offering an unsolicited comment on someone else’s appearance doesn’t mean that it should be received with appreciation.

Dating offers additional challenges for single mothers. For every date, there’s often the cost of childcare — not to mention the logistics of finding an open space in our schedule that isn’t previously committed to a child’s extracurricular activity or taken up by one of our own interests. We’re busy. We’re independent. We’re doing the job of two parents most of the time even if the other parent shares some parenting responsibilities.

When we engage in social interactions for the purpose of dating, the last thing we need is for someone to let us know that they still find us attractive despite the fact that we’re mothers.

Because that’s exactly what’s being said when someone uses the term MILF. They mean we’re lucky to still be considered attractive. We’re people they would actually consider fucking. Hooray for us?

It falls flat. While some women may roll with it, many of us lose immediate interest and begin looking around for a mature partner who doesn’t use our motherhood in conjunction with our sexuality in a misguided attempt to engage our affections or attention.

If you’ve come this far, you may only be counting five rules. Don’t forget the first: If you’re still using the term MILF (to women or in private among friends), you might have some work to do.

Start by listening to women. When we say something isn’t okay, it’s not an opportunity for you to explain why you disagree. Then, consider the broader implications of your words and actions. It might not seem like a big deal until you assess the potential harm.

The reality is that dating could use more kindness. There’s nothing wrong with attraction or desire. It’s human nature, and it can be beautiful. But there’s a difference between expressing appreciation for someone’s beauty and reducing them to someone to be used rather than a person worthy of affection, respect, and love.