When Low-Effort Behavior Meets Powerful Self-Worth

What once attracted us becomes intolerable

This morning, I met an old version of myself, and she broke my heart.

We don’t always realize how much bullshit we once tolerated until we are no longer willing to entertain it anymore. So, picture it: me, looking fabulous, getting ready for a date that was planned over the weekend. I was texting back and forth with this person, and if I’m entirely honest, I’d already earmarked a potential red flag in how he’d handled a conversation the night before. I was willing to see if it was a full-blown red flag or if I’d read the situation wrong when, suddenly, he whipped out a whole array of them.

Low-Effort Is A Red Flag

First, he expected me to drive an hour to meet him on his lunch break. He had no intention of coming out to where I live or meeting halfway. I’d cleared my schedule to allow time, and he was squeezing me around clients in his practice. Although he’d been the one to suggest the date in question, he was clearly unprepared to put in any level of effort, going as far as to only suggest a plan the morning of the scheduled meet.

Old me would have bent over backwards to accommodate him. I would have driven out his way or rescheduled to another day that was personally inconvenient. I would have told myself some kind of narrative to make it seem like it was okay when it was anything but. Instead, I politely declined, expressed my disappointment, and informed him that I wasn’t available on any day that week but the one we’d pre-arranged to meet.

Here’s what happened. I got a follow up message: a “fuck you” followed by a “bitch”. Since I know he’s the widowed parent of two young girls, I can only hope he is more respectful to them than he is to women he doesn’t even know. Imagine how he might treat women he does know!

This Unacceptable Behavior Is Widely Accepted

This isn’t uncommon — the low effort or the verbal abuse when we aren’t willing to tolerate it. This happens far too often, and it feels like an assault. I don’t know this person. He had no obligation to take it to this level because he failed to keep our original appointment, and yet, he did. He seemed to think this was an acceptable way to behave.

When it was all said and done, I felt sad that there was ever a version of me who would have went on that date. I’d have inconvenienced myself, met a potential abuser, and dismissed the signs that he wasn’t emotionally mature, stable, or available. I would have put myself through it because my self-worth wasn’t strong enough to realize that I deserved better — that I’ve always deserved better.

Self-Worth Repels Low-Effort

These days, their low effort bounces right off my self-worth. It’s taken trauma therapy and years of work to realize that I deserve someone who looks at me with stars in their eyes. I deserve to meet someone who puts in the effort because they are excited to spend time with me. I deserve a person who is honest and self-aware but also kind and treats me with the basic respect and courtesy we all deserve. Frankly, I deserve to be adored the way I have always adored the people I’ve elected to date.

But what I don’t deserve — what none of us deserves — is to be dumped on by emotionally-stunted adults. I don’t deserve name-calling, aggressive energy, or even low effort. But in a way, I was relieved.

I could have gone on that date and met a charming person, one who might have tempted me to overlook the first and even second red flag. I might have been faced with chemistry and/or attraction. It could have been the start of a dissatisfying, at best, or abusive, at worst, relationship. My standards adjusted, and I won’t be happily getting on that particular rollercoaster anymore.

Why We Need To Unpack Our Baggage First

This is what happens when we deal with our trauma and date with a healthy perspective. The low-energy, low-vibrational behavior we used to tolerate becomes intolerable. We expect a better standard of treatment because we realize we deserve it. We’re no longer working out our trauma or abandonment issues in our relationships. We’re not willing to deal with garbage behavior in exchange for attention or something that almost, in the right light, looks like love.

This is why it can be so important to be actively working on our issues before we date. Otherwise, we’re likely going to repeat cycles because we don’t yet see them. I know that I did. For years, I kept dating in the same way, and I honestly thought everyone else was the problem because my intentions were good. My intentions may have been, but my trauma was likely on display to healthier individuals. Until I did the work, I couldn’t see how my past pain was still influencing my relationships.

Growth is painful, and I suddenly saw all my relationships in a new light. I am not responsible for having been treated poorly, but I am absolutely responsible for having allowed the treatment. If my self-love had been stronger, I would have walked away long before I reached a breaking point. I wouldn’t have tolerated much of it in the first place.

It felt good to trust my judgment, respond with honesty and kindness, and then have my reaction completely validated. It’s proof that I can trust my instincts. My instincts are good — I’m just used to ignoring them.

Self-Worth Leads to Higher Standards

In the last few weeks, I’ve ruled out a lot of potential dating prospects. This is probably the part where someone tells me I’m being too picky. What I’m really doing is adjusting my standards to the level of my self-worth.

The potential partner who started out dumping his ex issues on me doesn’t appeal because I’ve worked on my issues. We all have past partners we could complain about, or we can accept our responsibility for those relationships and heal from the hurt. I could tell he hadn’t yet done the work. I wished him well, but I had no interest on hopping down that particular toxic rabbit hole with him.

The potential partner who showed low-effort and inconsistency lost my interest, too. I know exactly what I have to offer, and I’m not interested in waiting around while someone tries to figure out if they’re interested or not. I know too well what a relationship looks like when I have to make all the effort, and I’m just not interested.

I’m reading profiles with my self-worth firmly in place. It’s not asking for the moon and all the stars in the sky to want an emotionally healthy individual who is ready for a relationship. The problem isn’t that we expect too much for ourselves but that we often put up with far too much while asking for far too little.

What’s tragic about this is that we often do it for love. Isn’t that heartbreaking? We only want to be loved, and we’re willing to put up with whatever it takes to get just a little taste of it.

Until we heal ourselves, that is. Then, we know in our hearts that we are worthy of every good thing — but at a base level, that is kindness, compassion, consideration, and respect. We realize that we deserve relationships that puts stars in our eyes, too. We deserve relationships where we don’t have to keep making excuses or trying to figure out how they feel. We deserve consistency and effort and to know that we are cared for without having to ask. We deserve dates that are kept — and kindness even if we decide to go our separate ways.