The Danger of the Dark Empath
What if the narcissist and the empath were the same person?
We don’t have to go on a deep dive into psychological research to find articles about narcissism. A shallow skim will yield plenty of research, and even more personal essays, about people’s experience with narcissists. Whether or not those experiences and the individuals described in them actually meet the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is another discussion entirely.
While we’re looking at the research, we may find that empath traits are just as prevalent in psychological research, popular articles, and blogs. These traits are often seen as the opposite end of the spectrum. However, a study in the Journal of Personality and Individual Differences recently identified a new variant — one that finds that narcissistic and empathic traits can exist in the same person. They call it the Dark Empath.
Narcissists have what is referred to as the “dark triad” of personality traits: antisocial and psychopathic tendencies, manipulative thinking, and a self-centered type of entitlement. These traits along with sadism are referred to as dark traits. Empaths, on the other hand, are considered to have high emotional and/or cognitive empathy where they are capable of deeply understanding or experiencing the feelings of others.
It has been commonly believed that those who possess dark traits lack empathy, and yet, the dark empath has emerged to dispute this. There are some things we should know about the dark empath. Where narcissism and empathy merge, manipulation is sure to follow.
How Narcissists Can Be Empathic
When someone says they’ve encountered a narcissist, certain traits come to mind. It’s not just self-serving entitlement. Clinical narcissists also possess grandiose ideas of themselves, and they have a tendency to manipulate others to get what they want. On a clinical scale, those with high narcissistic traits tend to disregard the law, feeling that it doesn’t apply to them. They can even be violent and both mentally and physically abusive.
None of this sounds like the empaths we know — highly sensitive people capable of feeling the emotions of others. It seems counterintuitive that someone could possess both the traits of narcissism and empathy, but it’s important to understand that dark empaths are more likely to have cognitive empathy rather than the emotional variety.
In short, they can understand what we feel without feeling it themselves. This makes them capable of being both self-serving and manipulative. Their understanding of our feelings only serves to make them highly attuned to the easiest ways to manipulate our feelings and actions in their favor.
Dark Empaths and Neurotic Traits
When we encounter a dark empath, we may observe that they can have typical neurotic traits such as self-loathing and negative thinking. This is consistent with possessing some amount of empathy and disliking the darker traits that coexist with it. This can be what sets them apart from the dark triad.
While they are equally as likely to manipulate people to get what they want, they tend to be likeable and sociable. Rather than thriving on hurting others, they simply want what they want and see a means to getting it. They could genuinely enjoy their relationships while manipulating them in their favor.
The Most Dangerous Personality Type
The good news about the dark empath is that they don’t tend to be sadistic or aggressive. This news could lull us into a false sense of security when dealing with dark empaths, but this personality type is considered to be the most dangerous. There are many reasons why.
Someone who understands our emotions at an empathic level can manipulate them more easily than someone who understands human behavior but lacks the emotional intelligence.
The likeability factor of the dark empath plays in their favor — but not in ours. We may be less likely to suspect their darker motivations and more likely to develop an intimate relationship with them.
While they don’t tend to be physically aggressive, they can be nearly as emotionally ruthless as those possessing all the dark triad traits. While they are kept in check to some degree by their empathy, that doesn’t mean they won’t hurt us, know they’re hurting us, and do it anyway. Their indirect aggression can manifest as guilt, ghosting or excluding others, or using humor at others’ expense.
Their tendency to think negatively of themselves could make this personality seem like the misunderstood underdog in need of love, attention, and affection. The reality is far more complex. While they may need all of these things (as we all do), their ability to own up to their traits doesn’t seem to cancel out their self-serving actions. They can feel bad about it, but it doesn’t mean they’re going to stop what they’re doing as a result.
Keep in mind that the traits of a dark empath are clinical. Not everyone who seems self-serving is a narcissist and not every self-serving but affectionate person qualifies as a dark empath. While there’s evidence that these people exist, there’s likely a better way to handle labels in relationships. Instead of applying a diagnostic label to the people in our lives, we might instead choose to see their actions and decide if they are compatible with our lives. If the answer is no, we’re better served to leave the relationship than to apply labels to current or former partners.
With that being said, many dark empaths are emotionally intelligent enough to identify this personality style. My first encounter with a dark empath happened this way. I didn’t sense his personality. He shared it with me. He was easily one of the more likeable, kind, and friendly people I’ve dated, but he was very clear that he could sense what I wanted and needed at an emotional level and could use it to manipulate me. I’ve often thought that he volunteered this information because he could sense that forthright communication is something I need, particularly after unclear relationships and a history of trauma.
I acknowledged his need to label himself, but in the end, we went our separate ways not because of the label but because we were incompatible. The relationships and futures we wanted were vastly different. I hold no resentment, but I can see how this personality could hold dangers for the unsuspecting partner.
Dark empaths can be loving and give us the relationship goals we’ve always wanted. Yet, under the surface, their actions are designed to manipulate us — not so that we can have what we’ve always wanted but so that they can achieve their own ends. If these ends are compatible, perhaps these relationships work out with dark traits only making the occasional appearance.
Personality is a spectrum. Dark empaths bridge the gap between narcissistic and empathic individuals as we understand them today. It could be tempting to start classifying people we know as one or the other — or simply sticking on the label of Dark Empath to describe both. Yet, these characteristics remain clinical classifications of human behavior.
Maybe your ex wasn’t a narcissist. Maybe you’re not an empath. Perhaps what happened doesn’t belong in a clinical category and instead is better understood through the following lens of empathy.
We are all human beings capable of a wide variety of traits. We all possess some narcissistic tendencies, and most of us likely possess empathy, too. What might be truer than any label is that we learn by nature and nurture. Our experiences shape us — shape our attitudes, perceptions, and behaviors. We’re not always the “good guy”, even in our own stories. We are simply humans — capable of making mistakes, hurting other people, and making choices that hurt ourselves.
In the end, it’s important to ask ourselves if the relationships are healthy. Do we share the same goals? Do the relationships add to our happiness or subtract from it? While understanding the hidden dangers of dark empaths can help us make better choices, it’s not a clinical label meant to be applied to anyone who hurts us. Rather, it’s a category that helps us understand that life isn’t black and white, narcissist and empath. It’s far more complex than we ever imagined.
