7 Reasons You are Hanging on to a Fuckboy
It’s clear he isn’t the one for you, yet you stay. Disgruntled and dissatisfied. Why? Let’s get into it.
So here you, are fighting to sustain a bootleg relationship when you have more to lose than the person you are fighting for.
Maybe you dragged this thing out for 9 months, 2 years, 5 years, or even 10. If you have the benefit of being out of the situation, hindsight is tainted with cognitive dissonance.
You knew better, so why didn’t you do better?
You’re not just some weak, gullible victim to his tactics. It takes two to tango. So why did you stay?
Here are 7 reasons that might explain what is going on when you’re with someone whom you know is no good for you. The list is not intended to make excuses but rather to make room for empathy and self-compassion when looking back at (or currently navigating) a fuckboy situation.
Vibes —
You wouldn’t be there if you didn’t enjoy each other’s company to some extent.
Most of us are not crazy. If it had been off to a bad start from the first date, you wouldn’t have stuck around.
If he didn’t follow through on his word within the first week or stole your wallet on the first date, chances are, you would’ve dropped him ASAP.
Fuckboy behavior tends to have a soft launch approach; slowly becoming more revealing as time progresses. But as time progresses, emotions and attachments get deeper. Now you have feelings and memories and habits and routines that become harder to let go of as time goes by.
It would be easier to walk away if he was an asshole from day one.
You are scared of lonely —
Let’s be real, when you are famished, breadcrumbs are better than nothing. You are starving for love or attention and here is a source of barely anything, but you’ll take it. You have grown comfortable in a routine with someone you like, even though it might fall short against your standards.
They say “better the devil you know…”
The reality is that being alone does suck, especially when you have enjoyed the thrills of sharing part of your life with someone.
At some point, you have to do your own cost-benefit analysis to determine if what it is costing your mental health by staying is worth whatever the perceived benefits are.
Know that whether you are with or without someone, you can find your groove. You can find peace and joy, and live a fulfilling life if you stay open to what that might look like.
“We gon’ be alright.” — Kendrick Lamar
Hope in his potential —
When it is good, it is great. Those glimpses of good times are enough for you to project an entire future with him (often unbeknownst to him). You know fairytales don’t happen, but part of you believes they could happen to you. He might change for you, or once he is done with whatever he is going through, he might transform into the man you need him to be. The one you know he can be.
All you need is a sliver of hope from anywhere, not necessarily from him; it could be an Instagram card telling you to fight for love, or the success story of a complete stranger. Even the Alchemist recounts the tale of the miner who almost gave up right before he struck diamonds.
You may think this is your sign to keep digging; be more patient, understanding, or supportive of him, all the while abandoning yourself and your needs.
Anything can be a sign to confirm what you already believe.
Maybe he’s giving you hope for his potential. You see him yearning to do better, genuinely sorry, and earnestly promising to change, so why wouldn’t you take his word for it? Don’t be embarrassed for believing in someone you care about.
Just know people only change when they are ready. There is nothing you can do to get them ready faster.
Patient & Loyal is who you are —
You ride for those you love and once you catch feelings, that only intensifies.
Over the weekend, I met a girl who said she gives a relationship 2 years to evolve into a marriage. When I asked her more about her seemingly rigid timeline, she said now that she is aware of how kind, soft, and “ride or die” she can be when in love, she set the timeline as a safeguard to protect herself from taking on wifey loyalty and commitment levels in a girlfriend role.
“I will stand by your side through hard times…as your wife,” she said.
I don’t have to agree with her point to get it. Of course, even in marriage, there could be a time to walk away, but giving unconditional love and loyalty in the early stages of dating might result in someone milking you dry with a disregard for reciprocal replenishing.
The flower in the dirt here is realizing you have all this in you to give.
Part of you enjoys the drama —
When he misses your call, it gives you something to talk about; a problem to focus on outside the scope of whatever is going on at work, with your health, or with your career plans.
As much as you say you hate it, something about chaos — perhaps from childhood patterns — feels familiar and dare I say…comforting.
If he loved you unconditionally, picked up all your calls, and texted you back within the hour, you might “get bored”.
It is a defense mechanism to avoid getting too close to reciprocated love but to fight for the love that is withheld.
Everyone with such behavior has their own reason for it; from a subconscious belief that love is to be earned, to an instinctive repulsion by those attracted to you. I don’t have answers, but a therapist might help you unpack that.
He is a mirror you cannot look away from—
If you keep it real with yourself, you might find that everything you see in him is a reflection of what exists in you.
You hate that he does things on his schedule, but other people in your life might say the same thing about you. What is really frustrating you is not being in control, therefore you call him the controlling and manipulative one.
You think he is egotistical but you too are staying in an effort to conquer him. Your ego wants to be the woman he changed for.
You call him emotionally unavailable but you have a history of running when things get serious and a fear of commitment. He is an outward reflection of your inner insecurities and self-doubt. And so you try to heal him as a deflection from healing yourself.
If he stopped running and walked towards you, the truth is that you might take off running instead.
Give honest thought to whether the words you use to describe him are also words you could use to describe yourself.
Similarly, his light that keeps you around might be a reflection of the light shining from you.
Low self-value —
Ultimately the underlying reason we stay in situations we are cognitively aware are not suitable for us boils down to a distorted perceptions of self rooted in a scarcity mindset. It looks something like this:
- Self-doubt: Did I make the right decision walking away? Should I go back?
- Self-esteem: I got lucky with him and couldn’t pull another man like this again.
- Scarcity mindset: Would someone ever give me what he gives me in this way?
You might find yourself investigating other people’s traumas like an anthropologist in the field.
You want to understand his fears and how they might be driving how he treats you. You piece together stories of his childhood to find the root of his issues. You play Dr. Phil.
But you’re paying for this unsolicited research with your feelings, your time, and self-abandonment. Imagine if you invested that energy in getting to know yourself just as deeply.
I’ll leave you with the wise words from (Can’t) Break My Soul.
“We go round and round searching for love. Looking for something that lives inside us.” — Beyoncé Knowles
There is a home inside you that awaits your homecoming when you’re ready.
Thank you for reading!
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