The Only Quality to Look for in a Man
A kind heart.
A kind heart means well and strives for good — of self, others, and the world around them.
Forget if he’s funny.
If he has money.
If he’s tall.
Can shoot a ball.
If he’s smart.
His body is a work of art.
If he isn’t kind-hearted…
When he stumbles and fumbles the bag of everything good you bring to the table, how do you forgive? How do you trust?
When the going gets tough…which inevitably will…
When the rose-colored glasses fade and you’re so mad you see red…
When you yearn for closeness, and he wants space…
When he is snippy with a response or doesn’t quite deliver his words with love…
When you repeat yourself on a loop and it feels like he isn’t listening…
…Not listening turns into not caring …
…Not caring into not respecting you…
When the changes are big enough for you to notice but still too small to meet your expectations…
When he gets caught up and forgets to tell you he’ll be working late…
… and the dinner you slaved over has gone cold…
“I’d give the girls their nightly bath but delay bedtime so they could wait up to give their dad a hug or I’d feed them dinner and put them to bed, hold off on eating myself. Lighting a few candles and looking forward to sharing a meal with Barack. And then I’d wait…I’d wait alone, hungry, and bitter as my own eyes got heavy and candle wax pooled on the table.” — Michelle Obama, Becoming (Chapter 14)
When his mistakes almost feel intentional, how do you know they aren’t? Why do you stay?
His heart dictates the undertone of his actions.
A kind heart will never want to hurt you.
Lying to you might hurt you.
Cheating on you might hurt you.
Stonewalling you might hurt you.
He avoids it, but if it happens, you don’t paint a mental portrait of Lucifer.
Because you know his heart is kind.
When Michelle Obama struggled with Barack’s disregard for punctuality (to the point of eventually getting them into couples’ counseling), she was able to see the heart behind his actions, aggravating as they might have been.
“I understood it was nothing but good intentions that would lead him to say ‘I’m on my way.’ or ‘almost home’. And for a while, I believed those words.” — Michelle Obama, Becoming (Chapter 14)
A kind heart has good intentions behind actions that might not make sense to you.
A kind heart makes couples’ counseling work.
A kind heart wants to see you smile not only because he loves you but because he aims to sow good into the world.
A kind heart will be kind to the waiter, to your mom, to the kids — yours or a stranger’s — with nothing to gain. That’s just how he moves through life.
He isn’t nice. Niceness is for the sake of optics, bare minimum, or social norms.
He doesn’t lie, cheat, or steal even in spaces where it’s the norm.
Kindness comes from a deeply personal place regardless of governing social practices.
Kindness continues when no one is watching.
Kindness doesn’t take advantage of kindness.
Kindness doesn’t take kindness for granted, because it’s such a rare find in an individualistic and capitalist world.
A kind heart fights to be fair, not to hurt.
A kind heart communicates to deepen understanding, not to prove a point.
A kind heart reflects on the actions of the mind and ego and adjusts when they don’t align with the heart.
A kind heart apologizes with both words and actions.
When made aware of how his actions might hurt, he pivots.
If he can’t pivot on his own, he is receptive to help in changing for the better.
He’s human and will fall short at times, but his foundation is profound kindness.
Good is his only intention.
So, when he forgets to let you know he won’t make it for dinner, you forgive him.
When his eternal optimism proves unrealistic and he is in fact not going to be home at a time he promised he would, you empathize with where his heart is while asking for change.
When your partner leaves you bitter, unsatisfied, or disappointed, and thoughts of “why am I here” start flooding in, money and looks will be a dime a dozen.
A kind heart gives you a reason to stay.
You know he didn’t mean to leave you solo at the table for two.
You know he feels bad about it.
You understand he was forgetful, not disrespectful.
You trust he’s put measures in place to prevent this from happening again — an alarm, his assistant — something to protect you from those hurt feelings.
You trust he doesn’t want you to feel hurt.
When you hurt, he hurts because you’re cut from the same divine cloth, alongside all of God’s creation.
Hurting you means hurting himself.
“What never got lost inside all the noise, inside all those nights he’d spent away from us, was that he cared. He took none of it lightly. I caught a trace of agony in his voice nearly every time he hung up the phone. It was almost as if every day he was forced to cast another vote between family and politics, politics, and family.” — Michelle Obama, Becoming (Chapter 14)
How do you know this? You know his heart and it is kind.
You see the bigger picture of him beyond his weakest moments.
You see his intentions in everything he’s doing right and don’t let it get corrupted by what he’s doing wrong.
Humans make mistakes, we have moments and seasons of good and bad. When you share your life with someone else, you get a front seat to the show.
Every missed line, every rerun, every wardrobe malfunction.
The show isn’t seamless as it looks on the big screen. There are multiple takes.
It isn’t perfect but it’s human. Perfect is boring after all.
If you both show up with good intentions and every intention to work on yourselves and protect each other’s peace, sharing your life can be one of the most beautiful experiences you are privileged to have.
At least so I hear. Lol.
Ps: If it’s not giving what it needs to give, please leave. Don’t say I told you to stay. I don’t know your life. Only you can assess whether he’s worthwhile and when it becomes toxic.
(*Title says “man” but applies to any gender. It’s just easier on the pronouns to write with one gender.)
