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point?</p><p id="963f">It was a result of being with partners who were selfish in bed — partners who saw giving me pleasure as an afterthought or a chore. Orgasms became some coveted, hard-to-reach goal that I only got once in a while. And the rest of the time was spent just being a body for someone else’s pleasure.</p><p id="b9b2">Now, my partner and I take turns being both the giver and the receiver. And being with someone who spends tons of time giving me pleasure — enthusiastically — helps me enjoy the entire lovemaking experience, even if I don’t reach orgasm.</p><p id="0910">By taking the focus off performance items like who climaxes, in what order, how orgasms are achieved, or how long it lasts, you can simply focus on enjoying each other without racing to the finish line.</p><h2 id="637a">3. Arouse all the senses</h2><p id="bdf4">Heighten pleasure during sex through sound with music or dirty talk. Experiment with lubes that have different scents and tastes. Play with different levels of touch, whether it’s light as a feather, intense as a riding crop, or hot as wax.</p><p id="66f8">And don’t forget the visual element. Ask what your partner likes you to wear and, if you’re comfortable, wear exactly that. Maybe it’s a sexy set of lingerie, a fun wig, or nothing at all. Maybe it’s the sight of you playing with yourself or biting your lip. Whatever it is, find out what turns them on and have fun with it.</p><h2 id="117c">4. Keep trying new things</h2><figure id="caf2"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*2qwvLzhq1GxVVbgL"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@danroc0414?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">IFONNX Toys</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><p id="5e4e">You don’t need novelty every time — there’s something to be said for just enjoying each other without any bells and whistles. But introducing new toys, outfits, positions, or fantasies keeps things fun and exciting.</p><p id="23cc">Vibrators, nipple clamps, leather cuffs, glass dildos, latex stockings, butt plugs, costumes — these are just a few of the many things my partner and I have played with together. We’ve found a few really great toys that help me climax while he’s inside me, and we’ve also found a few duds that didn’t do much for either of us. Whether it’s a big hit or not, we certainly have fun trying.</p><p id="ed9c"><b>Talk to your partner about what they would like to try and give it a go if it’s not one of your hard limits. </b>Set the expectation beforehand that there’s no pressure to like something new or to feel self-conscious about it — that way, you can create a safe, fun environment for sexual experimentation.</p><h2 id="1716">5. Understand that good sex can be passionate and intense, but it can also be lighthearted, silly, and fun</h2><p id="56c8">My partner and I love to switch things up. At times, we love an intense emotional and physical bond during sex. Other times, we can have plenty of fun laughing with each other too.</p><p id="cb24">Sometimes I laugh from the pure joy I feel at making him climax so intensely. Sometimes we get clumsy and unintentionally make sex a slapstick comedy, giggling when we knock each other’s teeth after going in for a kiss too quickly.</p><p id="df46">Being able to laugh and joke with your partner does wonders for the relationship — especially in the bedroom.</p><h2 id="58d0">6. Take some time to make it special — even if it’s just a few minutes</h2><p id="3ffc">Whether it’s the first time you’re getting it on or the millionth time, it’s nice to give yourselves a few mi

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nutes to prepare for great sex.</p><p id="7237"><b>I know, I know — most of us can barely find time to make love in our busy schedules, let alone make an effort to create some elaborate production value. But it’s <i>because</i> we’re so busy that it’s nice to take a few moments to acknowledge when we’re about to engage in one of the most intimate activities humans can possibly do.</b></p><p id="ac80">Plus, spending just a couple extra minutes getting ready for each other will help set the mood and get you in a great headspace for sex.</p><p id="d618">I usually like to pick out some sexy tunes and slip into a silk nightie. My partner will set the mood lighting, pour a glass of wine, or maybe get out a toy or two that he knows I love. Quick, easy, and worth every effort.</p><h2 id="1a2e">7. Never make sex an expectation or chore</h2><p id="7f8b">Pressuring someone for sex when they aren’t up to it won’t help their libido one bit. While it’s important to talk with your partner honestly about how often your body needs sex, you should have that conversation outside of your attempt to initiate intimacy.</p><p id="0a5c">Sometimes, when my partner is extra horny and I just don’t have the energy, I ask him to masturbate in bed next to me while I kiss his lips and his neck and rub my hands all over him. His libido is much higher than mine, and masturbation — whether you do it solo or in front of your partner — can be a great solution for mismatched sex drives.</p><p id="f2c8">Make sure you woo your partner and do things <i>they</i> like to make them want and desire sex with you. If they’re just too exhausted or not up to it for whatever reason, be understanding and know that you’re helping to meet their need for a sex break.</p><p id="b74b"><b>By sharing our own needs and learning the needs of our partner, we can freely communicate how to initiate healthier, happier sex.</b></p><p id="05cc"><i>Thank you for reading. If you liked this story, you can <a href="https://holly-bradshaw.medium.com/membership">support my work by joining Medium</a>. You’ll also get full access to other amazing writers. ❤</i></p><p id="777d"><a href="https://mailchi.mp/c255b2f9e8f7/hollybradshaw"><i>Sign up for my newsletter</i></a><i> or connect with me on <a href="https://twitter.com/Holly_Bradshaw7">Twitter</a> to stay updated on all my latest creations.</i></p><div id="4343" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/i-had-my-first-piv-orgasm-at-36-years-old-122d242f25b7"> <div> <div> <h2>I Had My First PIV Orgasm at 36 Years Old</h2> <div><h3>It took the right partner to make it happen</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*1keMGLN0gh6_BDrZ)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="5ee1" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/telling-your-kids-about-your-sexual-revolution-in-an-age-appropriate-way-7925a6ad8fe3"> <div> <div> <h2>Telling Your Kids About Your Sexual Revolution in an Age-Appropriate Way</h2> <div><h3>I speak openly to my teen about my exploration of sex and polyamory</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*kYbIk9zLpsm9av5EhE4TZQ.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

7 Keys to Having the Best Sex of Your Life

Enhancing intimacy and pleasure with communication, play, and zero pressure in the bedroom

Image by Victoria_Watercolor from Pixabay

When it comes to sexual satisfaction (or dissatisfaction), I’ve run the whole gamut. Awful sex, boring sex, just okay sex, and now — mind-bending, earth-shattering, amazing sex.

I’ve experienced all of it — with earth-shattering being the most recent and ongoing phenomenon, I’m happy to report.

I’m having more sex with my partner (way more) because I want it more. I want it more because I’m enjoying it more. I’m finding more pleasure, having more orgasms, and experiencing a deeper emotional connection than ever before.

I’m even loving sex when I don’t have an orgasm, and that’s something I didn’t even know was possible.

The key difference now is that my partner and I communicate honestly and openly about the kind of sex we want. And we both spend time actively learning what the other one likes, exploring each other’s bodies, and experimenting with different tools and techniques without being afraid of making a mistake.

We’re approaching sex in a whole different way than we’ve done in the past. We’ve successfully removed any pressure or judgments and simply, and lovingly, enjoy playing together.

Here are the most important things that have helped my partner and me have the best sex we’ve ever experienced. Whether you’re kinky, vanilla, or switch back and forth between the two (like me), you can apply these simple ideas to improve pleasure and intimacy for both of you.

1. Fill out a sex menu

If you and your partner(s) each fill out a sex menu or worksheet, you’ll start an easy, open dialogue about preferences, desires, fantasies, and boundaries. It’s a surefire way to have better first-time sex with a new partner or improve the sex you’re already having.

When my partner emailed me a digital sex menu to fill out, it was a major game-changer. In under an hour, I had gone through hundreds of items, rating every sex activity I could imagine as something I loved, hated, or was curious to try. Then I zipped it to my partner via email before we even hit the sheets.

It was a great way for us to learn about each other's kinks and limits. Added bonus: sending him my menu and reading through the one he had filled out for me upped the sexual tension and anticipation. It made for stimulating conversation and some of the best sex I’ve ever had — and it’s only getting better the more we make love.

There are several free templates that you can download online, like this one. Or, if you’re feeling creative, you can always create your own.

2. Treat sex as play with a focus on pleasure, not performance

I was one of those women who never really enjoyed sex without orgasms. I thought, what’s the point?

It was a result of being with partners who were selfish in bed — partners who saw giving me pleasure as an afterthought or a chore. Orgasms became some coveted, hard-to-reach goal that I only got once in a while. And the rest of the time was spent just being a body for someone else’s pleasure.

Now, my partner and I take turns being both the giver and the receiver. And being with someone who spends tons of time giving me pleasure — enthusiastically — helps me enjoy the entire lovemaking experience, even if I don’t reach orgasm.

By taking the focus off performance items like who climaxes, in what order, how orgasms are achieved, or how long it lasts, you can simply focus on enjoying each other without racing to the finish line.

3. Arouse all the senses

Heighten pleasure during sex through sound with music or dirty talk. Experiment with lubes that have different scents and tastes. Play with different levels of touch, whether it’s light as a feather, intense as a riding crop, or hot as wax.

And don’t forget the visual element. Ask what your partner likes you to wear and, if you’re comfortable, wear exactly that. Maybe it’s a sexy set of lingerie, a fun wig, or nothing at all. Maybe it’s the sight of you playing with yourself or biting your lip. Whatever it is, find out what turns them on and have fun with it.

4. Keep trying new things

You don’t need novelty every time — there’s something to be said for just enjoying each other without any bells and whistles. But introducing new toys, outfits, positions, or fantasies keeps things fun and exciting.

Vibrators, nipple clamps, leather cuffs, glass dildos, latex stockings, butt plugs, costumes — these are just a few of the many things my partner and I have played with together. We’ve found a few really great toys that help me climax while he’s inside me, and we’ve also found a few duds that didn’t do much for either of us. Whether it’s a big hit or not, we certainly have fun trying.

Talk to your partner about what they would like to try and give it a go if it’s not one of your hard limits. Set the expectation beforehand that there’s no pressure to like something new or to feel self-conscious about it — that way, you can create a safe, fun environment for sexual experimentation.

5. Understand that good sex can be passionate and intense, but it can also be lighthearted, silly, and fun

My partner and I love to switch things up. At times, we love an intense emotional and physical bond during sex. Other times, we can have plenty of fun laughing with each other too.

Sometimes I laugh from the pure joy I feel at making him climax so intensely. Sometimes we get clumsy and unintentionally make sex a slapstick comedy, giggling when we knock each other’s teeth after going in for a kiss too quickly.

Being able to laugh and joke with your partner does wonders for the relationship — especially in the bedroom.

6. Take some time to make it special — even if it’s just a few minutes

Whether it’s the first time you’re getting it on or the millionth time, it’s nice to give yourselves a few minutes to prepare for great sex.

I know, I know — most of us can barely find time to make love in our busy schedules, let alone make an effort to create some elaborate production value. But it’s because we’re so busy that it’s nice to take a few moments to acknowledge when we’re about to engage in one of the most intimate activities humans can possibly do.

Plus, spending just a couple extra minutes getting ready for each other will help set the mood and get you in a great headspace for sex.

I usually like to pick out some sexy tunes and slip into a silk nightie. My partner will set the mood lighting, pour a glass of wine, or maybe get out a toy or two that he knows I love. Quick, easy, and worth every effort.

7. Never make sex an expectation or chore

Pressuring someone for sex when they aren’t up to it won’t help their libido one bit. While it’s important to talk with your partner honestly about how often your body needs sex, you should have that conversation outside of your attempt to initiate intimacy.

Sometimes, when my partner is extra horny and I just don’t have the energy, I ask him to masturbate in bed next to me while I kiss his lips and his neck and rub my hands all over him. His libido is much higher than mine, and masturbation — whether you do it solo or in front of your partner — can be a great solution for mismatched sex drives.

Make sure you woo your partner and do things they like to make them want and desire sex with you. If they’re just too exhausted or not up to it for whatever reason, be understanding and know that you’re helping to meet their need for a sex break.

By sharing our own needs and learning the needs of our partner, we can freely communicate how to initiate healthier, happier sex.

Thank you for reading. If you liked this story, you can support my work by joining Medium. You’ll also get full access to other amazing writers. ❤

Sign up for my newsletter or connect with me on Twitter to stay updated on all my latest creations.