Life/Happiness/Resilience

6 Ways Conquering Life’s Breakups Can Help You Find Love

Breakups are going to happen; what matters is how you handle them.

Erin King is the author of How To Be Wise AF: A 30-day journalling adventure to your inner Guru.

I took the long road to love. I had a lot to learn.

In my younger years, a breakup would traumatize me and send me down the rabbit hole of grief and despair.

Eventually, I realized that I couldn’t move forward unless I moved on, so breaking up became my superpower. I never stayed with someone once I realized it wasn’t working.

Here are five ways to do that:

1. Don’t take someone’s problems personally.

Maybe they were a jerk, or you were a jerk, but it didn’t work out, and that’s all that matters. Sometimes we hurt good people, and sometimes we get hurt.

Everyone has at least one cringe-worthy story.

If somebody hurts you, it’s because they have problems, they’re not doing it to take you down.

If you don’t take everything they did as a personal affront, so you won’t feel mortally wounded.

2. Take responsibility for your end of things.

The inclination is to blame the other person for a breakup.

But the fact is, you chose to be with that person in the first place.

Regardless of who did what and what happened, take responsibility for choosing to enter into it initially. Really think about why you were with that person.

Every relationship has two active participants. A little insight into that fact can go a long way.

3. Realize that if someone breaks up with you, they’re not that into you, and that’s okay.

Sometimes a breakup just happens. You don’t have big fights, you get along pretty well, but for one person, the spark isn’t there.

When you take someone’s disinterest as a personal attack, you are setting yourself up for misery.

I once had a boyfriend break up with me because summer was coming, and I was too self-conscious to wear a bikini. I wasn’t even heavy. But what if I was, that wasn’t the point?

I just didn’t fit into his idea of a great summer.

I was mad, but there was nothing I could do about it, I was young at the time, and it took me a long time to get over it. In retrospect, he was a bit of an idiot and superficial. I shouldn’t have wasted my time caring.

4. Look for what you liked in every person and build on that.

We all walk away from relationships knowing what didn’t work. But what about looking for what did?

I started doing this during my online dating stint. With every guy I dated, I tried to figure out why I liked them. By that time, I pretty much knew everything I didn’t want, so it was time to start focussing on how to spot what I did.

This was an excellent tool, and by the time I met my husband, I was looking through a different lens. I was able to recognize all of the good qualities I’d liked in other guys wrapped in a package I could love.

5. Know that love is a drug, and you will go through withdrawal.

When you break up, you’re going to be sad, particularly if you liked them and they didn’t like you.

Combine that with endorphin withdrawal, especially if you were still in the honeymoon phase, and you have a recipe for heartache.

If you mentally prepare yourself for the inevitable, you’ll handle it better.

Maybe you set aside a mourning period where you cry, journal, eat comfort food, drink a bit too much, or whatever you do to get through it. But set a limit on it and then pick yourself up and move on.

6. Get to know and like your own company.

Get to like yourself. Get comfortable in your skin and used to your own company because if you’re single, you’ll be spending quite a bit of time alone, and that’s okay.

When you’re needy, you’re less likely to choose a good partner and your relationships will probably be destined to fail anyway.

Toxic people are the sharks of the dating pool and neediness is the blood that draws them to you. Loving your own company is the steel cage that protects you from people who would take advantage of you.

Finding love is a numbers game; you have to get out there and work the room. You have to meet and interact meaningfully with a lot of people before something clicks. Being able to break up and move on without having it ruin your life will increase your chances of staying out there long enough to meet the one.

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