6 Tiny Secrets to Sound Emotionally Intelligent During an Argument
Allow yourself to learn. Nobody starts off being excellent.
Life hurts when someone steps in to help resolve a conflict— and that someone isn’t you.
(I feel you)
Good news: people are not born with problem-solving genes. People adapt to it. Problem-solving isn’t about offering two parties a crème Brulee and bidding them farewell.
Problem-solving is about laying a solution on the grounds that it will never happen again. Conflict resolution is not everybody’s piece of the pie (lie). Though, conflict resolution takes a lot of practice.
Why? Because situations are different. Sometimes, you might find your:
- Employers are fighting
- Partner is upset about coming late from work
- Friends are angry about the loans
- Teacher complaining about your kid
It happens every day. Maybe twice or thrice of these events in a day.
How do you combat them? Below are six universal tactics you can apply to every situation and sound more confident.
1. Focus on the pie
As Lawrence J. Peter, the educator, uttered:
“If you don’t know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else.”
During a fight, people step away from the goal.
They forget the reality and go deep down into tunnels of shame and guilt trips from the past. The other meaning of fighting is a “distraction from the goal.”
Find the pie (goal) to solve a problem.
For example, when your employers are fighting over choosing brand colors for the campaign, you can come to the rescue by saying:
“Hey guys, we all want what’s best for this company! We all can make mistakes but working together enables us to give 100%. If you are unwilling to help, we will waste the four months we spent on this project.”
Bring them to reality by making them realize their current circumstances. Also:
- Offer them an “if” scenario
- Talk to them about the loss
- Include “we” in your conversation
2. Unclog the ears
People fighting often use inappropriate words. They spill secrets, lie and play the filthy game.
Spilling secrets hurt people, and facing other employers becomes harder as they know they can’t trust you.
What can you do?
- Listen.
When two people are fighting, they start bragging. They use A) arguments and B) history to support their comments.
Listen to the conversation. You’ll find a point where you can start a conversation and hop in between. Such as:
“Matt, you said Kylie threw a shopper at you, but I was here the whole time, and it didn’t happen.”
What you did: stated the facts
Listen carefully, and you might find the tuning fork.
3. Choose a natural location
Pythagoras believed:
“Leave the road; take the trails.”
Though Pythagoras was a loyal and calm person at heart, we, on the other hand, are not.
With our colors behind us, nature plays a vital role in determining our anger and happiness.
Use this idea to solve problems like a pro. For that, commensurate a fight outside a dull room and in a natural atmosphere — a place like a garden, high tower floor.
If it’s a fight with a:
- Parent: carry out in a garden
- Partner: take them on a long walk
- Employees: top floor or go for a walk
Start the conversation by saying:
“I know you/you guys are furious; since it’s lunch/dinner/breakfast time, how about we go and take this conversation to the top floor/garden/coffee shop? The coffee is on me.”
Use this polite way to drive people out of their melodrama. Use nature as a tool to solve and wipe up the mess.
4. Say sorry on others’ behalf
If you go on google and search for “Sorry quotes,” you’d find about 117,000,000 results in (0.59 seconds).
Since it’s available in large quantities, it’s hard to believe people even give a damn.
Instead, turn the tables.
If it makes you feel any better, sorry contains no weight. Say sorry on someone’s behalf and end a conversation if you’re in a hurry.
Saying sorry on someone’s behalf has these main benefits:
- You show warm gestures
- You take responsibility for other people
- You’re a keen solver
When nothing works, say sorry on someone’s behalf. You’re likely to be caught in a talk saying,
“Why, bro? This has nothing to do with you.”
To do that, you say,
“We’re one large organization, and today, after almost spilling my coffee on my shirt, I didn’t come here to see two people fighting in my office. I thought coming to the office would ease my mind.”
Introduce a bulky reason for saying sorry.
5. Throw compliments
Dale Carnegie’s book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” taught me to use pleasing tricks.
Tricks like these never solve an issue:
- Blaming
- Accusing
- Fighting
Revert to the equation.
- Blaming → complementing
- Fighting → helping
If things don’t work the way you’ve tried, maybe you’re doing it wrong. Thousands of generations spend time-fighting battles and wars only today to remind us they were in the wrong.
It’s time we change that.
Solve a problem by giving compliments to people; steal this list below:
- Make a way:
Partner: “I see you’ve bought a new collection of chocolate syrup. It looks delicious. Would you mind if I join you for breakfast and soothe things up?”
2. Appreciate:
Children: “You’ve excelled at maths and science. I wish you could have gone up with English too, and we could celebrate this week at Niagara falls.”
3. Realize
Employees: “James, you’re a project manager with five awards, and Matt, you just had your promotion. I expect you guys to be above the mark.”
Use compliments as bait to define your interest and expectations.
6. Dig boundaries
Do you know the best way to tell people they’re rude? Tell them they’re rude.
It is that simple.
Words like fear and rudeness have broadened meanings.
When you’re deep in a conversation and trying to solve the issue, analyze if it’s getting hotter. Then it becomes a wedge. For example, if Matt starts saying:
“You are a piece of bread. I saw that you hooked up with Linda.”
Interfere and say:
“Matt, this isn’t polite. I didn’t expect this kind of behavior from you. I’m out.”
The best way to tell you’re hurting is to tell you’re hurting. Define boundaries and let them know. Instead of circling words, use words to define your feelings:
- “I feel fearful of your attitude.”
- “I feel hurt because of this behavior.”
- “This isn’t polite.”
Expose your feelings and take a stand. Don’t take it for granted.
Final thoughts
Problem-solving is a leader-like skill.
A leader is best known for solving problems. Start today with critical solving on a lower scale (partner, child, employees), and maybe you’ll get a chance to solve the problem for the masses.
What makes true leaders unique is their problem-solving strategies.
If you want to become a leader, you better start now!
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