6 Common Traits Narcissistic Parents Carry
What I've Learned from Dr. Ramani Durvasula — The Psychologist Who Studied Narcissistic Parents
Narcissistic parents often lack the golden traits required to be successful parents we’ve always wanted to be which is self-awareness, compassion, patience, and empathy. These traits are worth more than gold nowadays.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a psychologist, professor of psychology at California State University, Los Angeles, and founder of LUNA Education. She also is the top student in studying narcissistic parents! I love talking about N.P.D or any personality trait disorder for that matter.
It's very interesting to me how parents still don't understand how crucial it is to raise your kiddos. The Narcissist lacking the golden traits means they carry some weird ones of their own, Ill be going over those with you here today. Getting my info from a reliable source she started her study off by saying —
“As a psychologist studying narcissism, I’ve found that kids of narcissistic parents can grow into adults who struggle with self-blame, self-doubt, and a constant feeling that they aren’t enough.”
Why is most our world running around with the constant feeling they are not good enough? If I were to guess it's — when they were a child, they didn't have anyone to tell them they were doing a good job! (A.C.E)
I had a son just under 2 years ago. What I noticed is how often he likes to be told ‘Good job’. It's like he gets a feel-good feeling when his dad is telling him good job. That is 100% right, that the more you spread self-confidence to your children by simply saying ‘good job’ the less likely get dragged down into the pile of shit Narcissistic forming traits.
[Themes of Narcissist]
Grab Pencil/Paper=Write these DOWN!
“It saved my life. It saved my wife!”
Six Toxic Traits They Share:
1. They are supportive in public but super critical in private.
- They might be front and center cheering their kids on at the soccer game. But they will criticize or devalue them in the privacy of the car or at home: "Why didn’t you try harder? You could have scored two more goals! Quit saying Dad all the time. Stop crying like a baby. Your grounded now”
2. They create an atmosphere of mistrust
To gain more power within the family unit, narcissistic parents will share gossip with their children (for example, "Don’t tell your sister, but I found out that your cousin was caught stealing money.") to foster a sense of "us versus them."
- One sibling may feel special if secrets were with them and no one else. “Creates an unhealthy precedent of hearing gossip and innuendo as being loved and receiving a parent’s approval.”
3. They treat siblings differently.
- Narcissistic parents play favorites. If they prize academic achievement, for example-they might overlook a kid who struggles in school in favor of the one who gets straight A’s.
- Fighting for their parent’s attention because they know one is favored.
- Some Mothers favor the girl over the boy or vice versa.
4. They view their kids as an extension of themselves.
- If the child does what the parent wants, that child will be praised and valued. If they don’t, they may be ignored or criticized.
- Many children acting out of desperation to attempt to win over their narcissistic parents will sacrifice parts of themselves, interests, or preferences to fit the mold their parents set for them.
- They want to see things through their own eyes and not the child they gave birth to.
- They don't care about the simple crying over things. They think they cried their entire childhood so crying for a minute won't matter.
The perception game is lost with the narcissist. They can only see stuff through their own eye’s. Remembering OURSELVES we must watch what we say 24/7.
5. They expect a child to mirror their emotions.
In a healthy parenting system, the parent mirrors their child’s emotions because they are used to them. When they notice their child is upset, they will calibrate their tone and ask how they feel.
NPD-They will notice that they are getting upset, treating a baby like he is fifteen is not going to win anything over, isn't going to teach him how to be a big boy, isn't going to teach him advancement. It's going to teach them that you don't show empathy towards their crying needs.
I absolutely can't stand when my son is crying. I know as well as him that Daddy comes to his every cry. My logical thinking and response when my son’s upset, and his emotions are all over the place- ill change my tone of voice and try to comfort him in any way possible.
NPD — Mom
She can watch the damn T.v & listen to the dog barking in the backyard all tangled up & hear our son crying — he just wants attention, After me observing she can watch Cake Wars on Netflix without a worry in the world of whats going on around her made me worry way more than any parent could ever imagine.
- But for a narcissistic parent, if the child’s mood is at odds with theirs (e.g., the child is sad when the parent is happy), they might view them as disloyal.
- Over time, a child may stop trusting their own emotions.
Does anyone in their right mind want a parent like this?— I THINK NOT:(
Last Trait- Conclusion
6. They shame a child for having or even expressing needs.
- Narcissistic parents often neglect their child’s hopes, preferences, or beliefs.
- They might make undermining comments like, "You don’t really want to do that activity, do you?" or "Why do you think you would be good at that?"
Know a child of a Narcissist?
Are they at risk?
Do these three things — (If accepting of the N.P.D Parent)
- Give that child the attention they deserve and ask them about some things they are interested in.
Most importantly watch how they talk back to you.
- Creating a safe space for them can be complicated or “Kid’s” because what if they never felt safe before? Sharing feelings without shame or judgment can be complicated for this matter but trust me when I say- Car therapy works the best for connecting with the child.
- Let them know they are valued for their whole selves and not just as someone who meets someone else’s needs.
Remembering these are children at risk 24/7!
Trust especially, so that means for you to be persistent in this child’s life if you plan to help.
Don’t leave them not trusting you either.
If you are the child of a narcissist — ‘I'm Sorry Don't Give Up.’
Then you are living in anxiety or the feeling of not being good enough. Sadly, lacking self-identity, trust, commitment, no real social skills, self-confidence, good character, and many more I'm missing but I know your life is miserable to say the least!
*THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THEN GETTING CONTROLLED BY ANYONE*
“Should I bring this child into the world and love them unconditionally?”
“Do I bring this child into the world to control someone because I'm a controlling Narcissist?”
I hope this article served you all some information you can highlight. I believe unresolved childhood trauma is a main factor that births The Grandiose Narcissist, you will have to check out that article as well on this awesome publication where perception matters at Psych Times
If you are more curious about my relationship with My Grandiose Narcissistic ex and how I've learned to cope/respect her READ-CLAP-COMMENT-SHARE→ 1. Trauma Bonds. 2.Are You With A Narcissist? 3. HOW to Love Borderline Personalities & Respect N.P.D?
Thank you to all my readers and the community here on Medium is by far the most helpful community I've ever been involved in. Thank you all for helping me become a better person, a more knowledgeable reader and writer and that is what Medium is all about!