5 Ways To Deal With A Narcissist When You Can’t Leave
#2 Define your boundaries and keep them.
If you’ve been dealing with a narcissistic person, you know how painful, overwhelming, and confusing it can be.
It’s particularly painful if the narcissist is your partner or one of your parents. It takes years to acknowledge that someone you love is actually unhealthy — and there are no words to describe the pain you feel when you finally become aware of their dysfunctionality.
It’s painful because it becomes obvious that the person you have been trying so hard to fix, will possibly never change and give you the love you deserved.
However, this acknowledgment is also liberating. It makes you realize there’s nothing wrong with you, and that it’s not your job to make them feel better about themselves.
After years of dealing with a narcissistic father, I’ve developed some mechanisms that have helped me remain as detached as possible.
Here are some of them.
1. Accept that you can’t “fix” them.
If you have to keep dealing with the narcissist, the most important step is making sure your expectations are realistic. This means accepting that they will not change — and stop expecting better from them.
When we’ve been living with — and loving — a narcissistic person for so many years, we fall into the trap of believing our love will fix them.
No, your love won’t fix them. It doesn’t matter if the narcissist is your partner, your sibling, your father, or your grandmother. Love can’t fix people who are unable to self-reflect and be honest with themselves.
The earlier you accept them as they are, the earlier you liberate yourself from the emotional ties that have been sabotaging your healing process.
This is also why we need to stop being afraid of using the word “narcissism”. You’re not being mean for calling something by its name — and you’re not inventing or imagining their dysfunctional behavior. Your gut instincts are real and they’ve been warning you for a long time.
2. Define your boundaries and keep them.
Boundaries are a fundamental part of any healthy, long-lasting relationship. They allow both parties to express their feelings and communicate their needs.
Narcissists have a confusing take on boundaries: they want to impose theirs, and they want you to leave your behind. This is why it’s crucial to keep your boundaries and honor your limits no matter how explosive they get. Otherwise, the narcissist will drain all your energy and manipulate you in every interaction.
Some boundaries that may help you are:
- “I understand you’re coming from a place of concern, but I can make my own decisions.”
- “I appreciate your opinion, but I’m not looking for advice”.
- “We’ll come over to visit, but we can’t stay for dinner”.
- “If this continues, I won’t be spending time here”.
- “I will call you back once I’m able to rest and have some time for myself.”
- “I don’t like it when you make comments about my body. Please stop.”
- “I love having you here, but I need to know in advance if you plan on stopping by.”
- “I understand you’re angry, but do not speak to me that way”.
- “I’d appreciate you not bringing this up anymore”.
- “Well, if you cannot respect what I’m asking, I’ll need some space”.
- “If you continue to pressure me/blame me, I’m going to have to end this conversation”.
3. Act cordial but non-engaging.
In enmeshed and narcissistic family systems, there’s the idea that children are not supposed to be separate individuals with their own dreams, feelings, opinions, and beliefs.
As a consequence, children of narcissistic parents do whatever they can to please their parents and meet their expectations. This often means sharing everything with them and updating them on every single detail.
“In this type of relationship one person tends to believe that he has a right to define, dictate, and control the other persons identify, thoughts, feelings, opinions, and agency.
In the case of the enmeshing parent, the child is defined by the parent and the parent believes and behaves as if what the child does is about the parent. The child is taught from birth that his purpose is to be a reflection of and serve the needs of the parent. The parent has no problem believing that his children’s role is to reflect him.”
Sharie Stines, in When Narcissistic Parents have Enmeshed Boundaries with Their Children
Developing boundaries is not only about having a strong sense of what you tolerate, but also keeping some things private, and deciding what is it that you genuinely want to share.
With narcissists, it’s helpful to keep the information you share as minimum as possible. Stay polite, act cordial, but keep most aspects of your life to yourself.
4. Have a strong support system.
This is particularly important for two reasons:
- We all need people to rely on. We all need to feel loved — particularly when we’ve spent years being deprived of solid, authentic connections.
- Some narcissists try to isolate you from your loved ones in order to keep you dependent on them. The more supported you are outside the narcissist’s sphere of influence, the more grounded and confident you become.
Forming authentic relationships teaches you that you deserve to be unconditionally loved and that it’s possible to find people who accept you as you are. It proves to you that there was never something wrong with you.
5. Find a good therapist.
If you have the means, therapy can really do wonders for you. However, you have to make sure your therapist is the right fit for you.
Sadly, many people end up being gaslighted by their own therapists. Not everyone understands narcissistic dynamics — not even therapists. These situations are incredibly re-traumatizing, as they reinforce your chronic feelings of shame, self-doubt, and confusion.
If you’d like to dive more into this topic, please watch this video from Dr. Ramani.
I spent months searching for a therapist, and I’m glad I did. My therapist makes me feel genuinely seen, heard, and understood. This is exactly how you’re supposed to feel when you’re in therapy — so don’t settle for anything less.
Dealing with a narcissist can leave you super depleted, confused, and overwhelmed. I hope this article has helped you realize you’re not alone, and that it’s possible to navigate these complicated dynamics.
At the end of the day, what matters is your healing journey. The greater your sense of self-knowing becomes, the more you heal and the more unaffected you become.
You deserve to heal. You deserve to be free.
