5 Reasons Narcissists Are Constantly On Edge
#3 They need constant validation.
Narcissistic individuals can be incredibly unpredictable. You never know when they’ll get defensive, reactive, or hypercritical.
It can take years to realize how unhealthy and dysfunctional their personality is. More often than not, we normalize their behavior, ignore the red flags, and tell ourselves “this is just how they are”.
When we finally decide to listen to our gut instincts, it becomes obvious there’s something wrong. It becomes obvious that we don’t deserve the treatment we’ve been receiving — and that we have the power to set some boundaries and express ourselves.
Understanding narcissism is crucial in this process. It allows us to accept reality as it is, instead of wondering what’s wrong or believing that we’ll be able to fix them.
Most importantly, it helps us realize we’re not the ones to blame.
1. They feel chronic shame and inadequacy.
Narcissists are not in touch with their true, authentic self. They hide behind a mask of confidence and grandiosity because deep down they feel extremely empty and insecure.
This is why anything can be a trigger. It doesn’t matter if your comments are reasonable, or if you express yourself as diplomatically as possible — their fragile ego is constantly waiting to be criticized and diminished.
If you’ve been in a narcissistic relationship, you know how ironic this is since narcissists are always the first ones to criticize and diminish others. It makes perfect sense: reminding you of your failures and imperfections allows them to feel superior.
Their biggest fear is that someday they will be exposed — and seen for the flawed, wounded person that they are.
2. They’re traumatized, and they lack courage to face themselves.
Narcissists are traumatized individuals who overcompensate their fragility with a power-based approach towards life.
The more predictable things are, the better they feel. They love it when they’re able to control everything — it makes them feel safe and secure in the midst of so much insecurity.
Well, guess what? Control is an illusion. There will always be people and circumstances we can’t control. The world is not controllable.
One of my favorite authors, Dr. Nicole LePera, explains narcissistic trauma this way:
“Narcissism is rooted in extreme childhood trauma. If we are raised in a situation where we are in survival mode, we won’t develop a healthy sense of self. The ego will overcompensate by making “self” the sole focus. This is a protection based coping mechanism. The “self” is so fragile that the person cannot look outside themselves to see another because they’ve never fully developed emotionally. Narcissistic people tend to have a very child like outlook and no self-awareness. Appearance and the way they’re perceived is their primary concern.”
3. They need constant validation.
Since narcissistic individuals lack security and self-awareness, they need you to validate everything they do and say. They need their external world to validate their overinflated sense of self.
Obviously, an emotionally healthy person knows this is not how life works. The world around us will never validate every belief we have or every decision we make. In fact, life has an amazing habit of not validating our beliefs, so that we’re able to expand, grow and heal.
This need for constant validation is particularly problematic when we’re talking about a parent-child relationship: the child is expected to validate the parent by being exactly who the parent wants them to be, which leads to many repressed feelings and an overall sense of unfulfillment.
4. They cannot accept you as you are.
Narcissists have no conception of authenticity.
They expect you to do what they’d do, say what they’d say, and act how they’d act. Their emotional immaturity makes it very difficult for them to understand that you’re a unique individual with your own feelings and beliefs.
Anything can be a trigger because they operate in extremely simple, rigid terms, and get shocked when it becomes obvious there isn’t only one right answer (theirs).
Anything can be a trigger because anyone has the right to choose what to do with their own lives, and they don’t accept that.
5. They’re a child in an adult’s body.
Essentially, a narcissist is a child trapped in an adult’s body. They’re unable to be mature and regulate their emotions. Instead, they throw tantrums, make excuses and play the victim when things don’t go their way.
“Recognizing the childlike nature of narcissists responses can empower you when dealing with narcissists. The next time you find yourself confused or on the defensive by a narcissists behavior, envision him or her as a two-year old in an adult body. Doing so can give you perspective and allow you to respond rather than react.
If an adult narcissist acts like a child, perhaps you need to treat them as you would a child. As an adult or parent, you can see through children’s attempts to avoid blame and shame. You don’t take it personally but you also set healthy limits, as that is in their best interests as well as yours.
The difference with adult narcissists is they have more power than children. Their tactics can affect you and pose danger. You have to choose your responses wisely.”
Dan Neuharth, PhD, in 12 Ways Narcissists Behave Like Children
Narcissism is indeed rooted in childhood trauma. However, this doesn’t mean you should try to help them.
The truth is, you will never be able to heal them — because it’s impossible to heal someone who doesn’t even recognize their need for healing.
Focus on your own healing instead. Set some boundaries, follow your intuition, get to know your emotions and do whatever you need to do to live a life you love.
