8 Reasons Narcissists Cannot Accept You As You Are
#2 They’re deeply invested in black-and-white thinking.
Dealing with a highly narcissistic individual is one of the most painful, confusing, distressing experiences one can go through.
This is particularly true when we’re talking about intimate circles — when the narcissist is your boyfriend, your wife, your father, or your sister. There are no words to describe the mental and emotional abuse you endure.
One of the reasons why it’s so difficult to deal with them is their inability to accept other people for who they are. It feels like they’re simply not able to understand something as simple as “we’re all different” or “there are many ways to think and feel about multiple subjects”.
In my healing journey, I’ve come across Dr. Les Carter. His content has really helped me make sense of my experience and understand why my family operates the way it operates.
In this video, he gives us 8 reasons why narcissists cannot accept us as we are. I hope you find this information useful.
1. They’re in competition with you
With narcissists, everything revolves around power and dominance. This is how they feel comfortable — when they’re able to control everything. This means that, in their minds, every interaction comes down to one question only: who’s winning?
This is also why they get offended with pretty much anything: their fragile ego is in a constant defensive mode, turning everything into either a conflict, a personal attack or a competition.
2. They’re deeply invested in black-and-white thinking
Narcissistic minds operate in extremely simple, rigid terms. Besides the winning vs losing, there’s also the right vs wrong, correct vs incorrect, honest vs dishonest, rational vs irrational, logical vs illogical. Needless to say that, to them, they’re always the right, correct, honest, logical ones.
Their mental rigidity makes it very difficult for them to see that not everything in life is a matter of black-and-white. They simply can’t understand that sometimes there’s grey, and that (fortunately) there’s also a whole range of colors out there.
The narcissistic personality is disorganized — but also rigid. The narcissist finds solace in certainty, in recurrence, in the familiar and the anticipated. It balances his inner precariousness and volatility.
Sam Vaknin, in Narcissistic Routines
3. Blame is first nature to them
Since everything is always so black-and-white, they feel the need to make it clear that there’s something wrong with you when you don’t agree with them, or when you’re not acting accordingly to their expectations of you.
Narcissists are experts at blame-shifting since it allows them to:
- dodge responsibility for their words and actions;
- reinforce how superior they are;
- avoid self-hatred by projecting the blame onto someone else;
- avoid having their fears and mistakes being “used” by you — which is what they do, ironically.
This was one of the first red flags I’ve noticed in my relationship with my father. It didn’t matter how hurtful his behavior was, or how polite I was when expressing my feelings, he would never take responsibility for his actions — and somehow everything was always my fault.
4. They lack curiosity
True acceptance requires true curiosity. It requires being genuinely interested in getting to know the other person on a deep level.
Well, guess what? Narcissists are not curious about you — not because you’re a bad or uninteresting person, but because they’re too self-involved to think about anything other than their defense mechanisms.
5. Acceptance sends the message of equality
When we truly accept someone, what it means is that we see them as worthy of their own individuality. We acknowledge their right to their own emotions and perceptions.
The problem is, in their mind, you’re not equal to them — they’re better than you. So, why would they want to accept you for who you are if you’re not adapting your personality to their expectations? In other words, why should they accept you if you’re not fitting the box they’ve put you in?
In their delusional thinking, it doesn’t make any sense to recognize your right to your own thoughts, if their thoughts are better than yours.
6. Acceptance requires flexibility
Besides curiosity, genuine acceptance also requires flexibility — something they have no room for.
I’ll share with you a quote from one of my favorite authors that helped me understand how rigid narcissists/emotionally immature people are:
As long as there’s a clear path to follow, emotionally immature people can do very well, sometimes reaching high levels if success and prestige. But when it comes to relationships or emotional decisions, their immaturity becomes evident. They’re either rigid or impulsive, and try to cope with reality by narrowing it down to something manageable. Once they form an opinion, their minds are closed. There’s one right answer, and they can become very defensive and humorless when people have other ideas.
Dr. Lindsay Gibson, in Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
7. They have to be superior — always
We already know about narcissists’ sense of entitlement and deep need for admiration. However, behind this mask lies a fragile, wounded self-esteem.
It’s important to note that knowing how weak and insecure they actually are doesn’t mean it’s your responsibility to make them feel better. I know how difficult it can be to navigate your feelings after realizing that someone you love is a narcissist, but trust me, you’ll never be able to fix them.
Sometimes we need to take a step back and question ourselves if we’re putting our energy into people who will make good use of it.
8. They have no conception of authenticity
I’d say this one is the most important reason of them all. Narcissists behave the way they behave because they’ve lost touch with their authentic self:
Narcissism is rooted in extreme childhood trauma. If we are raised in a situation where we are in survival mode, we won’t develop a healthy sense of self. The ego will overcompensate by making “self” the sole focus. This is a protection based coping mechanism. The “self” is so fragile that the person cannot look outside themselves to see another because they’ve never fully developed emotionally. Narcissistic people tend to have a very child like outlook and no self-awareness. Appearance and the way they’re perceived is their primary concern.
Highly narcissistic people can’t accept you because they can’t even accept themselves.
Their lack of empathy makes it very difficult for them to realize that you’re a unique being with your own thoughts, feelings, and emotions. They’re too focused on their own survival to empathize with you.
At the end of the day, the question you should ask yourself is: why do I need their acceptance?
