5 Things You Might Be Doing That Are Ruining Your Love Life
Are you expecting too much and offering too little?
If you’re starting to feel like your love life is a cluster of negative experiences and barely ever getting dates in general, it might not be because of them.
It might be because of you.
Some people say, “it happens when you least expect it,” and while there is some truth to that, dating and relationship coach Deanna Cobden says love is something you need to actively pursue, and finding it can often be difficult.
“If you don’t look for a quality relationship, you won’t find it. You’ll end up with what falls into your lap or nothing at all.”
Putting dating as a priority, and being open to new connections can help you find love, but if you’ve been dating up a storm and still can’t find who you’re looking for, here are a few things to evaluate.
You haven’t moved on from your past.
We’ve all been burned before. We’ve all experienced some kind of pain or trauma in our lives that force us to have baggage. The problem is when that baggage becomes your carry-on into every relationship you have.
If you’ve been in relationships before in which you’ve experienced heartbreak, abuse, a lack of trust, then you need to take time to heal and overcome those issues before getting into a new relationship. Don’t bring the old into the new.
When I decided to take a dating hiatus, I told myself I would utilize that time to heal from every bad breakup I’ve had that still impacted me in some way. I wanted to mend the wounds, and when the time was right, I wanted to make sure any new relationship I entered was a clean slate.
It’s okay to talk about the things you’ve gone through with your new partner if the two of you want to, but it isn’t something you bring up lightly in a conversation.
One of my close friends dated someone who constantly brought up his ex-girlfriends. This made her feel uncomfortable and slightly insecure. “If he’s dating me, why is he thinking so much about his ex-girlfriends?” She asked.
Staying stuck in the past will only harm your present and future, and nobody wants to date someone who broods over their past and brings up old and painful history.
So before you venture into the dating world, take time to heal and resolve past issues so you can show up as a strong and baggage-free individual.
You are disrespectful and snobby.
It’s a huuuuuge turn-off when someone is disrespectful, and on top of that — snobby.
If you’re obsessed with yourself and only talk about yourself, then it’s a huge turn-off to anyone who is interested in you.
Think about this, what do you talk about when you go out on a date? Do you make an effort to interact with your date, or do you make everything about yourself?
How do you treat the people around you?
Something I would often pay attention to when I’d go on dates is how he would treat the servers. If he was dismissive, rude, impolite, or didn’t leave a tip — it was a no-go for me.
Once I dated a guy whose family was extremely wealthy. I knew this because I’d just come from his mansion of a house; it had like a dozen rooms. Anyways, we went to a pizzeria, and he was rude to our server the entire time.
I thought he was in a bad mood, but at the end of the meal, I noticed he left a dollar or two on a $50+ check, and when I tried to tidy up the table a bit, he stopped me and said — “they have employees for that” in a very stern voice.
I was mind-blown at this, especially because, at the time, I was also a server.
You’re not initiating conversations.
If you’re on a date and you’re making zero effort to initiate a conversation, and you expect the other person to entertain you, it’s a downright turn-off.
It gives off the impression that you’re not interested and nobody wants to be with someone who can’t carry on a conversation. There’s a difference between being shy/nervous and literally being incapable of taking the lead in a conversation.
When I first started talking to my boyfriend over 3 years ago now, I made it a priority to always ask questions about his personal life.
I asked him things about his childhood and what his favorite breakfast is, and when we eventually started dating, he told me this was one of the things he loved about me — my curiosity in him and making him feel like I genuinely wanted to learn more about him.
I’ve learned that some guys need a little push, my boyfriend was shy, and it was only after I started asking questions that he would reciprocate. Some guys are extremely narcissistic, and they simply don’t care about what you have to say and instead, they make it all about them.
Ask questions. Be curious. Take the lead.
Unrealistic high standards.
You should have high standards for the person you want to be with. But, there’s a difference between setting high standards and setting impossible standards.
You can’t expect to be with someone who has their life together if you don’t have your life together.
You can’t expect to date a bombshell model when you don’t know how to take care of yourself and often forget to shower.
You can’t expect to be with someone who is wildly successful when you have zero discipline and no money-management skills because you don’t give a crap about anything in life, and you just want someone to swoop in and save you.
If you want to attract someone great, you have to be great.
You have zero confidence.
You constantly put yourself down. You don’t think you’re attractive enough or smart enough.
When you go out on dates or spend time with your friends, you mention what a loser you are or how unhappy you are with your life. You constantly bring negative energy into any room you enter.
This is something that will immediately turn anyone off.
If you’re in this boat, don’t look for a partner. Focus on yourself. Confidence is one of the sexiest qualities you can have, and you don’t have to be the hottest person on the planet to have it.
Learn to take pride in who you are. If you feel like you’re unhappy with where you are in life — quit complaining about it and instead — do something to change it.
Know your worth and understand your value. Psychologist Allison Abrams says,
“By knowing your worth, you are less reliant on another’s approval, thus protecting yourself from the harsh blows of rejection. Yes, rejection may still sting, but it will not break you. By valuing yourself, you are subconsciously requesting that others do the same. And this is a highly attractive quality.”
If you feel like you’re constantly putting yourself out there with no success, then it may be time to look within.
- Have you moved on from your past? Do you bring in old relationship experiences into new ones? Are you constantly bringing up old flames to a potential partner?
- Are you acting disrespectful? I don’t know about men, but I definitely pay attention to how my date treats the people around me. If he slips up when I’m there, how is he treating others when I’m not?
- Are you putting in an effort into getting to know the people you’re dating? Or are you making them lead the conversations all the time? Which ultimately, makes them feel like you don’t have any interest in them.
- Are your standards impossible?
- Are you lacking in confidence?
Dating isn’t always a walk in the park, sometimes it makes you realize that you have a lot to work on within yourself before you can let someone into your life.