5 Things to Mix Up Your Sex Routine with a Routine Partner

It doesn’t have to be just new toys and dress-up

When you’re in a long-term sexual partnership, an eternal challenge is how to keep sexy fun time both sexy and fun. In the early days, there’s a sense of discovery and passion that comes with the newness. You each have something to teach each other. Words like “rabbits” and “marathon” might be tossed around.

The newness wears off and is replaced with a reliable comfort. You know you can come home after a terrible day and get your jollies on, seeking that release and catharsis only your partner can provide. Your uncontrolled blaze of passion calms to a crackling, life-giving, orgasm-granting fire.

But, inevitably, that comfort turns routine. The routine risks becoming predictable. It doesn’t matter how hellaciously hot the sex is at the beginning or how cozy the familiarity, that flame will want to smoke and fizzle. Especially when you can start counting your relationship in terms of years or decades.

The standard suggestions for spicing up your love life typically include toys, negligee, and fantasy-play. Those are all fine and dandy, valid suggestions to be sure. But what do you do once those are played out?

1 Lights Off. This isn’t just dimming the lights and lighting a candle. Lights-off sex means darkening the room as much as possible. Ideally, you want to end up blind. Avoid blindfolds if possible, as those are removed too easily. Go full conspiracy theorist and line the windows with aluminum foil if you must, but get it all the way dark.

Having sex in a completely darkened room serves as a sort of sensory deprivation. It requires communication and deliberate action. You must guide your partner and move slowly to avoid knocking heads while you knock boots. It can be extremely sensual.

In the absolute dark, it is just you and your partner exploring each other’s bodies through touch, sound, and taste. Even if you’ve seen and touched and made love to those same bodies for years, something about relearning your way through the dark is beyond arousing.

2 Abstinence Zones. Stick with me on this one. If you’re trying to have better, hotter, more passionate sex with your long-haul partner, the word abstinence isn’t really a word you want to add to the conversation. But you’ve heard the phrase absence makes the heart grow fonder. Abstinence makes the loins grow hotter.

This spice works best when you and your partner do have regular sex, even if it’s lost a little zing, especially if you are in the habit of scheduling sex. Decide on a certain window of time and declare it an abstinence zone. You can touch, tease, flirt with each other, whatever tickles your fancy (could be tickling) but no sex: oral, anal, hand, or otherwise until an agreed-upon date.

If you’re the competitive type, you might see who can go the longest without succumbing to one another’s charms and getting it on. If both of you make it to the end date, you both win. If one breaks and you end up in a lover’s embrace, you both win. There’s no way to lose this game.

3 Sexy Notes. Go old school and start hiding away sexy notes for one another to find. Jot down a raunchy little poem and tuck it into your partner’s lunch box. Make promises of the things you want to do with your tongue when they get home.

If you’re willing and able, add some sexting to the mix. Suggestive pictures can go a long way to upping desire. Sext during a lunch break. Arrange to guide each other through a JOI session via notes or sexy texts. (That’s Jack/Jill Off Instructions.)

Of course, you may need to take certain precautions when leaving notes lying around. No one wants to explain a note proclaiming, “I want your dick in my mouth, big boy,” to a co-worker.

4 Naked Weekends. This one may require a bit of planning. If you have roommates or tiny humans, arrange to have them shuffled off somewhere for the weekend. Stock up on groceries and essentials and clear your calendars.

And then, take off your clothes and leave them off. Watch Netflix naked. See where that goes. Prepare your meals in the buff. (Probably avoid frying, though.) Let sex happen when it does, as often as you feel the urge.

Naked weekends are about being comfortable with your bodies. Stare unabashedly at the form of your long-term partner. See what’s different from the first time you took in their body. What’s the same?

Remind yourselves how much you enjoy being open with each other.

5 Opposites Attract. Mix it up by going against the grain. Whatever you typically do in your standard sex routine, intentionally do the opposite. If you typically lead the sexual encounter, choosing how and when to shift positions, let your partner take the reigns.

Does your partner typically get things started? Make the first move, suggestion, or ask for sex. Switch up positions for an evening. Or move that evening to a morning or early afternoon. Pick couch instead of the bed, kitchen instead of the shower.

Make a concerted effort to break up whatever your sex routine is. This doesn’t have to mean breaking out the Kama Sutra and going all Cirque du Solei. (Although it’s not a bad suggestion if you and your partner are game.) Use your tried and true positions if you’d like, but in a new order.

By breaking the routine, both (or all) of you are mentally engaged in the love-making. Intentionally doing the opposite of your normal encourages you to focus on each other in a new and unusual way. It prevents going into autopilot in bed.

A few additional notes for a stale sex-life. As with any healthy sexual encounter or relationship, the communication never stops. Continue to discuss your needs, desires, and preferences as the years go on. Not only can those things change with time and age, but certain things can be taken for granted.

Also, there is no shame in seeing a medical professional or sex therapist. If one or both of you are on birth control, your particular brand may be affecting your sex drive and responses. Depending on your age, health, and whether or not you possess a penis, it might be time to discuss a little blue pill. Talk to your doctor about your options here.

The human body and mind are finicky little things. A seemingly random collection of things can affect our sexual desire, engagement, and health. Cognitive and behavioral treatments exist that can directly affect how good the sex is, even if it’s with a long-term partner.

Stay in touch! Click here to subscribe to my email newsletter!

Gwenna Laithland is a writer, humorist, and communications specialist. She is a work-at-home mom of 3 living in Oklahoma, working on a short story collection and novel.

Follow Sexography on Facebook and Twitter to stay up to date on upcoming news and featured stories.