How to Watch Porn with Your Partner for the First Time

Tips for watching other people get it on before you get it on

I like porn. Since I first discovered it years and years ago, I’ve enjoyed the instant, effortless arousal it provides. It has always been an efficient and comprehensive masturbatory aid for me. Add a few toys into the mix, and I’m golden.

My husband also likes porn. He, like many folks, is a very visual creature. In our real-life sexual relationship, he loves when I wear lace or do a little sexy striptease. And he’s a firm lights-on guy. Porn always has the lights on.

And yet, in our nearly decade-long relationship, we’d never watched porn together. It has always been a single-player experience for each of us. We finally lost our shared porn virginity not long ago. And there are some things we learned. Here’s what you should know before you invite your lover to a porno.

Let’s talk about porn, baby.

When my husband and I were first dating and exploring our sexual chemistry and connection, we were both very honest about our porn intake. He watched it, I watched it, and we were okay with this. Honestly, we got lucky that we were both pro-porn*. Not everyone is, and many have good reasons for it.

But you’ll want to broach the to-porn-or-not-to-porn topic with your partner before you suggest a Pornhub and Diddle night. Your partner may be porn averse due to past trauma or previous partner issues. It may rustle up yet unnoticed insecurities. There’s always massive issues of body acceptance, objectification, and toxic masculinity that run through a shocking amount of porn.

Since those are heady topics, you don’t want to find yourself in a potentially relationship-shaping discussion with damp panties or a fading chubby when you were only trying to amp up the foreplay a bit.

*Disclaimer: I have my limits and reservations for certain versions and genres of porn, but that’s a different article entirely.

The ask is the most awkward part.

My husband and I not only have regular sex, but we’ve also been together through childbirth, surgeries, and their ugly recoveries. He’s seen my insides (because of a c-section not horrible trauma, thankfully). I’ve held his hand while he got a straight catheter. There’s nothing left to be embarrassed about. And yet, I was hesitant to ask him if he wanted to watch porn with me.

When I finally did, he immediately agreed. Looking back, I’m pretty sure he would have agreed to watch a straight sixteen hours of Bubble Guppies if followed by sex.

If you’ve already gotten the “I watch porn” conversation out of the way, just put it out there. Have no expectations, however. Just because your partner is okay with your incognito browser tabs, doesn’t mean they’ll be down with a shared voyeurism viewing party. Communication is a before, during, and after necessity of a sexual relationship. This is a ‘before’ communication opportunity. Just ask. Listen. Respect their response.

Be patient in choosing your ‘film’

“Um, no. That’s not…nope. Just. No.”

That was my husband’s response when I pointed to a video I thought we both might enjoy. I’d guessed wrong. We scrolled through several pages of videos. It became clear that while we are great at fucking each other, our tastes were somewhat askew when watching other people fuck. Back and forth we went trying to find a video we could both get into (or stomach).

It threatened to become a mood killer as we scrolled past probably hundreds of videos that weren’t going to work for us. I had not expected thirty minutes of scrolling to find a single porno to watch with this man I’d been screwing for nigh on ten years. It had been a revealing half-hour.

Be patient as you and your partner find porn that appeals to both of you. Let it be a moment of learning about each other.

Objects in porn history may appear larger than life

Don’t confuse a person’s porn preferences for desires in real life. Some folks satisfy fantasies or curiosities via porn.

When watching porn, I imagine that everything done to the girl on screen is being done to me — even if I have no interest in experiencing it in real life. For instance, I went through a stage wherein I loved watching double and triple penetrations. I have absolutely zero intention of letting several penises and/or toys in me at once. But I liked watching other girls take them.

Porn watching does not necessarily reflect actual desires. Your partner may use porn to fuel and satiate certain fantasies. Just because they can use hentai tentacle porn as a masturbatory aid doesn’t mean they are disappointed you are not a Japanese schoolgirl or a horny squid.

Know that your partner might watch porn differently

It was rather a revelation to me that my husband and I watch porn very differently. Whereas I fantasize that I’m in the porn videos, Mr. Laithland does not. He doesn’t imagine he’s banging the girl on screen, nor that his dick is now the size of Duane Johnson’s forearm. For him, porn is just visual stimulation. Boobs, pussy, ass, thigh. By his report, he can even turn off the sound and get to it. It’s all about the optics for him.

That’s how my partner works. Not all guys, just my husband. You may actively touch, explore, or engage while watching. Your partner may just sit and absorb. That doesn’t mean they aren’t into it. Again, this is an opportunity for discovery and communication.

Remember that porn is about as real as unicorns

Unicorns aren’t real. Neither is porn. It is erotic, it can be sensual, but it is also totally fake ninety percent of the time. Unless you happen to be watching the amateur “community made” porn of couples doing it, porn is staged, produced, and designed to look like, well, porn. Most guys don’t have Mag-Lights between their legs. Most girls don’t sound helium-fueled Barbies while fucking.

Even videos labeled “amateur,” “casting couch,” or “virgin” are probably lying. Always remember that comparison is the thief of joy. If you can’t fold yourself into a pretzel or successfully pound it out while hanging like Spiderman from the ceiling, you don’t suck at sex. You are a normal human who is not a porn star.

Final Note

I’m going to preach consent until I die. Be sure you and your partner are both down to fuck after (or maybe during) the porn. Porn can be an excellent addition to the foreplay, but everyone involved had better understand what the outcome is going to be. And, as always, no means no. No more means no more. Not that means not that. It doesn’t matter that you just watched any number of humans do a ton of weird stuff to each other, no still means no.

For more things you should know about sex, read these.

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Gwenna Laithland is a writer, humorist, and communications specialist. She is a work-at-home mom of 3 living in Oklahoma, working on a short story collection and novel.