8 Things No One Told Me About Sex

Not everything about sex is wildly apparent, and no one wants to talk about it.

1 Not all positions will work for all couples. Everyone’s physiology is different. Vulvas, penises, vaginas, and testicles come in all shapes, sizes, and layouts. As a result, what works with one partner may not work with another. Some vagina-havers have a short vaginal canal, meaning the cervix is closer to the outside. Deep penetration by toys, well-endowed penis-owners, or long fingers may poke that, and it might not feel great. Girthy objects may not fit “tighter” openings, and no amount of prep or stretching can make it feel right for some folks.

For instance, the position of my vaginal opening and the layout of my husband’s junk makes doggy-style stupid uncomfortable for us. Because I am not a comic book character, my spine doesn’t bend that way. This discovery made both my husband and I rather sad as both of us had enjoyed the position with previous partners. It just doesn’t work for us as a couple.

2 Communication is a before, during, & after activity. Hopefully, it’s no secret that communication is the secret to good sex. But 360 communication before, during, and after can lead to great sex. Tell your partner what you prefer and what is off the table before you get started. Let them know what’s working and what adjustments could be made during. And, after the requisite cuddles or reset period, discuss what worked for you if this is going to be a recurring activity for you.

And here’s the kicker, listen to what your partner(s) tell you. Don’t get offended if they shift your hand or ask you to move a bit to the left. It’s not a critique; it’s an aid. It’s going to make it better for both of you to hear what you’re being told.

3 There’s a lot of weird noises. And not just the moaning, although those can get weird too. I once slept with a guy who meowed like a cat while cumming. It was unexpected and, in the moment, a total mood killer. But I digress.

Hollywood failed to prepare me for the real-life sex soundtrack. Movie sex is rather weird noise-free. It’s all graceful and smooth. No movie star has ever let one rip mid-coitus to my knowledge (Braces for the onslaught of DMs proving me wrong). I was enjoying my second sexual encounter the first time I queefed. (A sort of vaginal fart for those who, like me, didn’t know.) I was mortified and didn’t know she could do that.

Depending on the equipment, position, couple, lubrication, and a host of other variables, it is not uncommon to squeak, schlick, squish, clap, fart, or other less-than-sexy sounds.

4 Your preferences can change from year to year. Or partner to partner. Or session to session. This is why point two above is critical. I’m a big fan of tongue work pretty much everywhere 98% of the time. But occasionally, I’m in the mood for a good pounding — no foreplay, just get to work with the P-in-V stuff. I have to share that information, or my husband will automatically get to licking.

It’s fine to need, want, or ask for something out of the ordinary with your long-term or frequent partner(s). Your mood may have changed. Depending on what’s going on physically, the old stand-bys may not work from time to time. This is especially true for period-havers, pregnant people or those who have had a baby recently, folks who have worked out shortly before the sex-having commences, or people who have started a new medication.

5 Clean-up is the least sexy thing ever. Another bit of sex that Hollywood normally glazes over. Sex juices are only sexy during sex. Once your little moment of bliss is over, and sane thought takes over, vaginal mucus that makes girl bits wet and seminal fluid, cum, are sticky, goopy messes to be dealt with. And nothing says sex god like removing a spent, jizz-filled condom from a deflating dick.

Skin folds must be located and thoroughly wiped or hosed down to avoid earning a yeast infection. This time it’s way less arousing. It’s a good idea for both parties to pee after sex as well. (Yes, even if you are trying conceive. Different holes. Any sperm that are going to get a person knocked up has to be way higher than where the pee comes out. You can’t rinse the baby makers out. Not the ones that matter, anyway. On that note and for the same reasons, peeing after sex is not a way to prevent conception.)

6 Post-coital sleepy time is legit. The name “little death” is insanely accurate. Until I became sexually active, I thought the “my partner falls asleep after sex” was a trope. Nope. Very real for a good amount of the population.

After an orgasm, your brains are swimming in all sorts of feel-good juices. The one that most likely triggers the post-sex nap is prolactin. That particular hormone is linked to sleep. In clinical studies, animals injected with prolactin fall asleep. Both men and women release prolactin, but it seems guys are more affected by it — Yay, science.

Beyond just sleepiness, some people feel sad, anxious, angry, or even depressed after the big-O. This has a fancy medical name too, Post-Coital Tristesse or Post-Coital Dysphoria. There’s a lot of running ideas as to what causes it exactly, running the gamut from hormone soup imbalance to previous trauma. You can read more about it here. But it is normal with as many as 46% of surveyed folks in a small study having experienced it at least once.

7 Alcohol rarely improves the sexual encounter. Whiskey dick and Pinot pussy are real. And annoying. A little bit of alcohol can lower inhibitions and help folks relax both body and mind. A little bit more starts messing with hormone production and biology bits that really ought to be at peak performance for good sex.

In penis-havers, overdoing the pregaming can lead to erectile dysfunction. In vagina-havers, it can lead to vaginal dehydration. Let that term marinate for a second. Vaginal dehydration. That’s a thing no one wants.

8 Sex is not just genital versus genital. There’s a whole range of activities that could and, the argument might be made, should be considered sex. A good number of them don’t involve smushing genitals together at all. Oral, mutual masturbation, finger work, both internal and external, and even some forms of voyeurism or arousing fantasy play are not just sexual but actual sex.

Because these can be and are viewed differently from partner to partner, we circle back around to that communication issue and the bigger, all-important, must-have in all sexual encounters, consent. All parties involved must be able to soundly, safely, and confidently consent to what’s going to go down (or up, whatever.) Just because you’ve never thought of something as sex, wrapping it up under the big bow of foreplay, doesn’t mean your partner views it the same. You don’t have to give a play by play, but you do have to set boundaries and expectations.

And while this shouldn’t have to be said in fucking 2020, here it goes for the kids in the back: There is no wiggle room in consent. No means no. To anything or anyone at any point. I don’t care if you’re balls deep, tit to tit, or have already tasted ass. Not that means not that. No more means no more. And once more, say it with me now, no means no.

For more things I’ve learned about sex, check these out:

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Gwenna Laithland is a writer, humorist, and professional writing assistant. She is the founder and editor of WonderQuill. She is a work-at-home mom of 3 living in Oklahoma, working on her debut novel, Beyond the Sky.