8 Secrets to Vagina Owning No One Ever Told Me
Yes, your vagina can bleach your panties, and other mysteries solved
I was a child of the eighties, thus the daughter of a woman of the seventies.
My mom grew up amid the sexual revolution, not too many years after birth control forever altered how, when, and why we have sex. My mom also grew up attending Catholic school, complete with the plaid skirts and Mary Jane shoes. Her parents never discussed sex with her. It wasn’t polite, and, after all, they figured it out.
So when it came time to discuss sex with me, well, she had no idea what to say. We covered the period stuff pretty well. And I knew vaguely what sex was for and how it worked. But, Aphrodite bless my mom, she didn’t know where to start. She did try. I still came into my 20s a virgin, and a little lost as to what that meant. Or what to do about it.
Aside from my mom, there weren’t many other places I could turn to for sexual education. The schools in my area of central Oklahoma certainly didn’t offer it. We were under a firm abstinence-only policy. The only safe sex is no sex. Thanks to the heavy presence (and voices) of churches here in the Buckle of the Bible Belt, even the most liberal schools would have struggled to accomplish even the condom on the banana demo. That all translates roughly to: If they don’t know about it, they can’t have it.
That’s not how it works, but that’s what we had. When I was in fifth grade, the girls and boys were separated. A first-year teacher showed us girls how to apply a comically large pad to a pair of panties, blushing the whole time. To this day, I have no idea what the boys talked about.
So, assuming I cannot possibly be alone, here are the secrets of vagina-having no one told me. You might find them useful. They might be a refresher course. You might be appalled that a woman in her mid-thirties only recently learned some of this shit. If that’s you, thanks for the read and scroll along. This one isn’t for you.
If you’re using this article as some education-based masturbatory aid, I mean… whatever, I guess. There’s better stuff out there, but you do you. In this case, literally. Just don’t message me about it.
First up — let’s handle some basic vocabulary. Vulva: the outside bits of your vagina. Unless you are talking periods or with your medical professional, chances are pretty high when someone is talking about the vag, they really mean the vulva. Especially where sex is concerned. The labia (lips), the clitoris (clit), a bit called the vestibule, and the urethral opening, are all parts of the vulva, not the vagina. Vagina: the inside bits of your vulva. This whole thing that gets all the attention and talk is just a big ol’ tube-like cavity. It connects your uterus to the outside world. That’s it.
1 Yes, your vag is kinda juicy. So is pretty much everyone else’s. That white goo you spot in your panties is normal. Everything from snot-like mucus to slightly thinner discharge is likely normal at various points in your cycle. It should never smell funky or look like cottage cheese. It should also be pretty consistent in color. If your vag juice develops a stank or changes color or amount, call your doctor or take a trip to the clinic to be on the safe side.
2 You do not pee out of your vagina. That hole, the urethra, is different. And no, you can’t accidentally stick a tampon, penis, or toy in there. First, the hole is pretty tiny. Second, it’s pretty protected by your labia, the flaps of skin that surround the whole kit and kaboodle.
3 Bush is not unhygienic. Also, the removal of that bush or how much you trim the hedges is up to you (Notice I said you. Not your partner. If you want to give your partner a chance to weigh in here, go for it. But it’s your vag hair, not theirs. Do what makes you comfortable.) There is no medical reason to go entirely hairless downstairs. In all fairness, there’s no medical reason to let that vag-fro run wild either. Science is not sure why we grow pubic hair at all. There’s some evidence that it helps trap and disperse pheromones, but the jury is still out on that one. Keep it clean with just soap and water, and you’ll be fine.
4 It is probably normal for that vag juice to bleach your panties. Unless they are your show-off sexy time panties, there’s no reason to be annoyed that your vag juice has bleached the crotch. It’s normal. During ovulation, your cervical mucus increases, and it may be potent enough to discolor your panties through oxidation. Again, if there is a funky smell, especially a fishy one, or pain, swelling, bloody discharge when you aren’t expecting your period, or unusual redness, talk to a doctor. But vaginal secretions tend toward the acidic side. That may result in your panties, especially your darker pairs, having some discoloration.
5 Plenty of women cannot orgasm through penetration alone. Sure, it feels nice, but the peekaboo game is not going to get you off. That’s ok. You aren’t broken, nor does your partner suck (actually that might help, but that’s a different article.) Between 70 and 80% of women don’t either. There aren’t a whole lot of nerve endings in there. The vagina exists from a biology standpoint as a baby escape shoot. It’s probably better not to have a lot of pesky nerves down there during that pleasantness. Communicate with your partner on your needs and wants during intercourse without shame. It’s no one’s fault if there’s nothing wrong. Find the clit, work the clit. There are over 8,000 nerve endings in the clitoris. Make them feel something.
6 You are not the owner of the Vaginal Sahara just because you need lube. Yep, your vag stays juicy all day, wet spots in the panties from time to time. But now its time to get your sexy on and it’s friggin Death Valley down there. Your body reacts differently at various times during your menstrual cycle. Your secretions may vary. Even getting aroused can affect your lube level. That’s fine. That’s normal. You’re fine. You’re normal. Even porn stars, professional sex-havers, recommend lube.
7 There is nothing wrong with your labia. Those flappy-doos come in all shapes and sizes. The labia exist to protect your urethral and vaginal openings. No, no one knows why some ladies have Dumbo ears while others have almost nothing. It’s just a development quirk. Some scientists theorize that labia are nearly as unique as fingerprints. So embrace your luscious lips. Love them. Care for them with just soap and water.
8 You don’t get permanently stretched out for too much sex. There are no hotdogs, no hallways. Stop with that joke. The vaginal opening is very elastic and can be stretched during intercourse or playtime (also baby-having). But it returns to its regular size pretty soon afterward. You can’t “get too loose” from too many partners or too much sexual activity.
There you go. Eight things maybe no one mentioned before, just out there for the taking. Feel better? I do.
You’re normal. You are fine. You are fierce.
Author’s note — I am not a medical doctor — just your run-of-the-mill vagina owner. Anything said here should not be taken as medical advice or diagnosis. If you have questions, see your medical professional.
Have more questions about body stuff for womxn? The tell-all continues.
Gwenna Laithland is an independent journalist, humorist, and freelance writer in Oklahoma. She writes contemporary sci-fi and is working on her debut novel, Beyond the Sky.
