5 Reasons Why 50 Shades Of Grey — Like Any Other Concept of Abuse — Is Dangerously Fucked Up
The book, the movie. But for the most — love and relationship concept.
Again, as with my last story on the movies/ series, yesterday I ended up watching the last part of this trilogy ‘Fifty Shades Freed’ with a friend. Out of let’s call it midnight boredom of having to scroll more through Netflix. We thought we couldn’t find anything of interest or worth-while. But frankly, we were too lazy to look. And so we ended up seeing the whole movie.
For the record, I barely read one chapter of the first book — Fifty Shades of Grey, mostly because it was offered by my cousin while we were lying on the beach, and then when the movie went viral, I went to see it out of pure curiosity — I know, £10 spent only to summarize just how fucked up it was. And yesterday night, I’ve seen the third movie that is a depiction of the author’s thoughts from the last book of the trilogy.
Here’s what I think of all the ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’
Briefly, it’s disturbing as any kind of abusive behaviours and concepts.
So disturbing that I can hardly believe how we managed to make it a blockbuster series — publicly available and accessible to anyone and allow broadcasting it freely everywhere. It’s a dangerous thing to do. Very dangerous. Here’s why.
5. Normalizing and glorifying the concept of abusive relationships is unacceptable and beyond tragic
Where did we get as a society? — I am thinking as I am writing these lines.
As if we didn’t have an enormous issue with them in a society to deal with already. This story portrays them as something that’s actually there — naturally as if it was normal. And acceptable. So normal and acceptable because it’s happening even in high society. How splendid!
And therefore encourages them, rather than showing them for what they are — dangerous, violent, unhealthy — for person’s mental and physical health — and so deadly to us.
4. There’s no both sides ‘content’ in abusive relationships
What really gets me is the acceptability factor showcased here. Like, if there was an agreement — a contract established at the very beginning, reviewed and signed between two people entering such a bond. A contract to be agreed with first.
Only that even that is questionable.
And the reason why there’s not a two people agreement is that one of the two — the abused — is pushed to such a bond. Either knowingly — by their own naivety, hoping they can fix the broken piece they’re bonding with, stupidity, a lack of wisdom and judgment. Or unknowingly by the manipulation of the abuser without any awareness that they in fact are being abused. And don’t make decisions based on their own judgement. Which, is an essence of the manipulation.
One of the two — the abused — is pushed to such a bond. Either knowingly by their own naivety or unknowingly — by the master manipulation of the abuser.
3. Abusive relationships are not a workable ground
The same way they’re not normal and naturally occurring in society. They’re not a workable platform for experimentation and change.
Meaning, you can’t expect that when you enter this relationship, and you’re being abused, that you can fix the abuser — by being you, and he stops being abusive and becomes loving - thanks to your love, your uniqueness, thanks to you.
That is a wrong assumption by default. Psychologically proven.
From the research and experience of clinical psychology, there’s a pattern that follows in abusive partnerships which is that one side likes to dominate while the other succumbs to domination.
So if you’re a naturally self-less, giving, and submissive partner — a co-dependent, you won’t be able to fix the abuser, because you’re feeding their dominance. The more submissive you are, the more dominant they’d be.
And although this may result in a long-term partnership given by the strong pull because of this relationship pattern, as there’s too many of them as such documented, the fact they’re actually there doesn’t mean that they’re good and healthy for anyone. The opposite is true.
Unless you first change yourself to become more ‘healthy’, more in the middle of ‘the Continuum of Self Values’ that oscillates between the two extremes — that is codependency and emotional manipulation.
Once that you change and become more self-valuing, the relationship dynamics with your abuser changes as well. And the relationship fails to work anymore. Because your dynamics of abuse will shift — you won’t be prone to get abused anymore and the abuser won’t like it.
And unless the abuser is ready to also work on self-betterment which means, moving vastly from self-centeredness to a healthy scale of self — which requires a long-term therapeutical treatment that statistically mostly fails than succeeds, the relationship is doomed to fail. You won’t be able to connect the same way anymore.
The reason why the therapy for abusers — emotional manipulators is in most cases not successful is that they are not in a position to work on themselves and self-improve. In their little world of confusion, they see themselves as perfect. Complete humans and so they’re not the ones who expect changes from themselves. Rather changes of their environment altogether to fit their individual needs and specific expectations.
I am saying this as it’s a result of years of studies and clinical practice. Read about it, read Ross Rosenberg’s studies on emotional manipulation and dysfunctional relationships.
2. No means no. And there’s no workaround to change it to a ‘yes’
Anastasia in this story is a profile of a young and naive, self-less and caring girl. Not a woman as she’s yet to fully embark on her personal journey of self-discovery to find herself, her direction and to experiment with herself enough so that she knows what is the best for her and her life. Before she gets to take on the journey, the less young Christian nicely takes advantage of this by chasing and following Ana, until she eventually succumbs to his attractiveness and agrees to pursue the insanely wrong — unhealthy abusive relationship.
It’s like falling to the river and catching at a straw, because that — him, is all there was for her.
I don’t want to make this sexist, but based on this stereotypical story of ‘ Fifty Shades’, given by the relationship between the abused Ana and abusive Christian, here’s my message to all the women and men out there. Or, all the abused (here addressed as women) and the abusive (men). In real life, this can certainly apply vice versa too.
Dear women, please, start to truly value your No’s. And be aware that your No’s are of a value and do matter. When you feel it, think of it and say it — your ‘No’ does always matter. Which means that you shouldn’t — by no means feel that you have to reevaluate it and succumb to ‘a maybe’ or ‘a yes’ out of a desparation, a fear of judgement, rejection, or withdrawing love and presence, when what you feel from the bottom of your soul is the disagreement.
Don’t experiment with devaluing you no’s — by saying them truthfully and then giving them away for something which you do not want to or feel like. Because, by that, you start devaluing yourself, your choice and your unique opinion you have a right for. You have a right for both. You have a fucking right to say no where and however you please — and whenever you feel like it.
Dear men, it’s just about the time you start properly understanding and change your concept of our disagreement. The concept of the No’s. Meaning, if we’re saying a ‘No’ to you, then our no means no. Nothing less than that. Receiving a ‘No’ doesn’t mean that we lack a direction, knowledge and that you know better. It doesn’t mean ‘a maybe’, not ‘possibly’, it doesn’t in any case mean a ‘yes’. Now and ever. No is a no. ‘No’ means you have no right to push us anywhere. No means a ban to return to the same subject and question us on it. No means we’re tired of having to say more than that. No is our final answer. The answer that is itself enough. The only answer that should matter to you.
1. No kind of artificial comfort — golden cage — takes away the fact that you’re being abused
Anastasia, in the story, gets this all. A filthy rich life of a mistress or rather a slave.
An artificial comfort of her big posh Seattle based penthouse apartment. A few other holiday homes. Two private security agents, a housemaid. Millions of dollars. And a promotion — earned by being Mrs Grey.
Yet nothing takes away the fact that she lives in a golden cage because when she comes home — actually regardless of her physical location, her opinion, thoughts, plans, priorities and other responsibilities don’t count. She has to follow her man’s lead (as if we were back to the dark middle ages where there was no concept of gender equality and women’s opinion only did matter in the kitchen, if at all), and do everything as her husband says, what he likes. When he likes and as he pleases.
More than often out of a massive fear of how he’d react if she doesn’t listen to him and what will he only do then. What we are being shown straight at our faces is a glorification of a painfully abusive life in action.
I was wondering as I kept watching the movie and seeing her reactions, whether she — as a character, got already so messed up by this relationship that she was willingly lying to herself about just how much she’s enjoying it.
The constant control. Lost freedom just to be. Having to always be alert — expecting unstable reactions of her partner, ready for the service, constantly monitored and persecuted by the crazy controlling and dominating guy.
Well, guess what. This is not normal. It’s not a normal life. Having to serve your man’s needs in and outside bed while it’s not reciprocated and the abuse screams at you all the way is not normal.
It’s disturbing.
Similarly, no artificial comfort, given by financial or other kinds of material security provided by being with an abusive partner takes away the fact that you’re, indeed, with an abuser and in an abusive relationship as abused.
It is not a fucking norm. It shall never be one!
And stories like Fifty Shades of Bullshit — with all due respect to quality literature — deserve to end up in the trash for showing this — and not on the front pages of newspapers, magazines or as a movie choice on Netflix.
Here I object such a choice given to me by the society that got implanted with all wrong values. I protest against this!
We don’t need to see more examples of what’s fucked up such as the abuse, we need more examples of what’s healthy. And good for us. Because only by opening our awareness to what is actually good for us, we can change individually and collectively to form a better and healthier society as well.
Otherwise, if we keep feeding this to ourselves and our youth that may easily come across this too, we’re encouraging it to continue. Because guess what?
We don’t make choices based on what’s best for us unless we can distinguish between what is right and wrong. We make choices based on what we know, that what feels familiar.
Our young boys and girls won’t be able to distinguish either if they get to see this as a social norm or an acceptable kind of relationship. The same way Anastasia couldn’t distinguish between what is good for her and what isn’t. She didn’t know anything else, sadly. Hasn’t seen or experienced a healthy bond and love.
And so we’re allowing this to continue if we’re quietly accepting it — which encourages abusers to continue abusing, and abused are expected to also just accept it.
And that has to end.
This is also where my essay ends. I hope it was of an essence.
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