GROUCH CHRONICLES

Jesus Saves — For a Price

And if you don’t pay up, he’s coming for more than your kneecaps

Before I was a Grumpy Old Guy, I was a Cynical Young Boy, and I remember being confused by a bumper sticker that was on about every third car:

Christians aren’t perfect, just forgiven

Coming from a non-God-bothering family, I wasn’t wise to the racket. So I tried to take it at face value, but it didn’t add up. If you don’t do anything wrong, you don’t need forgiveness. And if you do, shouldn’t you have to work for it?

I’d have been more excited if there was a version that worked on my parents. “Mom, dad, don’t trouble yourselves with that report card. I’m not perfect, just forgiven.”

But why the cosmic Get Out Of Jail Free card? Religious people were at least as dickish as anybody else. Was forgiveness just a holy participation trophy?

It was all gibberish to my young mind. I was cynical, but not enough to believe that was all there was to it. How effed up was the world? Mouthing some lines couldn’t be all it took for the Lord to wave His Holy Eraser and make you all shiny clean.

<jump forward to adulthood>

Dammit, mouthing some lines is all it takes!

When do you reach Peak Grumpiness? When you realize cynicism is too fucking optimistic.

I’d been missing the point — God doesn’t care what you’ve done. All he really wants is for you to join Team Jesus. Everything after that is just details.

It seems our loving Creator stuck us with a sinful nature. Mind you, He’s omnipotent, so giving us said nature was completely optional on His part. To make up for what He did, we have to spend our lives groveling at his feet, declaring our unworthiness, and praising him incessantly.

Yes, you heard right: Christians aren’t perfect, just forgiven — for some invisible voodoo their narcissistic and insecure God saddled them with that only He can cure.

Holy circle jerk, Batman!

But the kicker is you’d better pucker up, Buttercup. If the ass-kissing is inadequate, you’re doomed to eternal hellfire. Because when it comes to salvation, it’s all that matters. Christians are forgiven no matter how imperfect. Whether you’re sweetness and light or a sociopathic monster, team members are 100% in, and everybody else is 100% out.

Faith isn’t complicated, the whole thing reads like a lousy con job. Or maybe a divine protection racket.

Hey, God here. Things not lookin’ too good for you, are they, Johnny boy? I made you, and now you owe me. The way I see it, you’re heading for a lake of fire to fry for all time. It’s unfortunate business.

Now, I know that sounds bad. But don’t worry, I can save you. I just need you to do me a few favors.

Let’s say every Sunday you come on over to My house. You listen to My guy tell you what to think and do. You talk real loud about how great I am. At the end, you pony up some coin. Do that, and I will smile down on you. Don’t, and it’s shrimp on the eternal barbie for you. Capisce?

Change a few words, and it’s a scene from a mob film. Call it The Almighty Godfather. The damn Bible even has a kiss-on-the-cheek moment.

Now cue the people telling me that’s not how it works.

And boy, have they tried. But every explanation always comes down to believing the religion. Sorry, guys. A whole lot of things make sense if you assume they’re true in advance. I may not be a working mathematician anymore, but I remember enough to know that’s bullshit.

So if you want to call the Bible parables and stories and moral lessons, go ahead. How does sending bears to maul children for mocking a guy’s baldness fit? Hey, not my ark, not my animals. But whatever floats your boat. In fact, if it convinces you to be a better person, then I’m all for it.

As long as it’s just your boat.

Because if you want to run my life based on some Iron Age death cult, then you and me got problems. Maybe I’ll give a damn about Cap’n Invisible if you can produce something that makes sense without quoting Him to do it.

I’d rather go into politics. At least it’s honest — the grift is right up front and everybody knows it.

John Werth is a Medium Top Writer in Humor and Satire, who describes his writing style as “You’d read this if I were famous.” In rare instances, he refers to himself in the third person.

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