TEENS AND PARENTING

4 Ways to Get Your Teen to Open Up and Talk More

Moving past mumbles and one-word answers

Talking to teens can sometimes be a little like talking to the walking dead. They grunt, pop out one-word answers and scream unexpectedly. On a good day, you might get some animated banter. But on a bad day, you have to put up with exaggerated eye rolls and slamming doors.

And if you are struggling to communicate with your teens — know that you are in good company. Teens don’t like to talk.

According to Common Sense Media, teens say they prefer texting to talking, even if the other person they are texting is in the same room.

My kids have just entered their teen years. They are still like little kids in some ways, but their broody, angsty teenage umbrellas are starting to fly high.

And while it is fun to watch them grow up, I do miss the chatty, wide-eyed little kids that they once were.

These days a lot of the conversations I have with my two kids revolve around the same three topics. Flushing the toilet. Getting their schoolwork done. And cleaning their rooms. We talk about these things like clockwork. I ask. They mumble some unintelligible response and then quickly retreat into their rooms.

It’s a little dance we do.

Thankfully, these aren’t the only conversations we have. In fact, despite some struggles, we talk a lot and often.

But getting to this point has taken effort. It has been the result of a lot of trial and error. And like any family, we have our good days and our bad days.

But here are 4 lessons that my kids have taught me to ensure we are having more meaningful dialogue on a regular basis.

1. Talk on Their Time, and on Their Terms

Are teens demanding? Absolutely. Do they live in their own world? You bet.

So, trying to initiate conversation with a teen on your terms will always be a non-starter.

I’ve tried this many times only to be met with eye-rolls and the audible teenage sigh. It’s the sigh that says, “Are you really going to bother me with this crap?” Literally. This sigh oozes disdain.

Trying to walk into my teen’s room unannounced to talk also grinds conversations to a halt. Largely because she feels as though I have just invaded her space. This is a big taboo.

So, if you are looking to engage, wait for your teen to come to you so you can engage on their terms.

In my daughter’s case, this is usually in the afternoon when she has finished classes. She likes to sit in our kitchen which doubles as my office and gab. In fact, during these times I often can’t seem to get her to stop talking.

But I am thankful for these times. Because my teen is opening up to me about everything in her life. I never initiate. She does. But I do listen and engage. And this has made a world of difference.

2. Don’t Judge

Some of the stuff my daughter tells me makes my jaw drop.

And some things just make me want to scratch my head or burst out laughing. Other tidbits are downright concerning.

But I try my best not to judge.

After all, I know the minute I judge, our conversation will shut down. And I want my daughter to feel like she can come to me with anything — especially things like sex, alcohol, friends and how she is feeling.

Today, only 50% of teens are comfortable talking to their parents about sex, according to a Planned Parenthood survey.

I think a lot of this comes from a fear of being judged. So, the more open and accommodating you can be in hearing your teen out, the more likely they will continue to confide in you and share.

3. Rely on Common Activities to Draw Them Out

One of the best ways I have found to get my kids talking is to use other activities as a catalyst.

Sometimes this means hiking. Other times it means taking a nightly stroll. Or sitting down together as a family for dinner.

Regardless of the activity, we try to put ourselves in a situation that strips away screens, interruptions and common distractions.

It’s just us and our teens. And while we sometimes walk in silence, more than often than not these activities draw my kids into conversation.

Yes, this may mean listening and commenting on the ins and outs of acne and skin care for two hours. But that’s okay. It’s worth it.

4. Never Lead with “How Are You” or “Yes/No” Questions

According to Harvard researchers, “How are you?” are three of the most useless words in the world of communication.

This phrase tends to be used by people who don’t really want to know the answer and most times people hearing these words don’t respond with the truth. This throw-away question represents a missed opportunity for deeper, more meaningful dialogue.

Similarly, asking yes/no questions tends to give teens a hall pass from responding in a meaningful way. In fact, these types of questions usually shut down conversations before they can even begin.

Asking more open-ended questions of your teen tends to work best in getting them to spill the beans and tell you more about what is happening in their lives. So start your questions with, “How”, “Why”, “What”, “Where” and “When” to get the conversation rolling.

In the End

Teens will be teens.

They will be difficult, broody and completely self-absorbed. They may mumble and prefer one-word answers. They may prefer text to talk.

But with a little effort and attention, you can draw them out to converse more freely. And, in doing so, you can be that sounding board that they so desperately need.

© Courtney Burry 2021

Looking for more parenting stories? Be sure to check out more of Courtney’s work here: