PARENTING
3 Simple Ways We Are Crushing Kid’s Creativity
And what we can do to fix this
When my son was a little boy, we sent him to pre-school down the road. Every day after my son Sam (not his real name) had settled in, he would go to the dress-up closet and pull out a fairy-princess costume. He would put it on and flutter around the classroom in his fairy wings.
He was my beautiful boy and he was adorable.
Some years later, Sam stopped wearing those dresses. I’m not sure when this exactly happened. Gone were the fairy wings and the tales of how he was going off to slay a dragon in the backyard with his sister. My little boy had somehow lost some of his wonder for this world.
He was growing up.
Sam now sits in his room working on schoolwork and taking in a steady diet of video games. His view of the world has shifted. But he is still an extremely curious boy.
We have tried to keep this sense of wonder alive in our kids. But it has not been easy. Schools and our society don’t make this easy. We (as parents) don’t make this easy.
In fact, if you really look at it, we do a pretty darn good job of crushing the creativity out of our kids at every turn.
Here’s how.
We default to “no”
As parents, one of the most used words in our lexicon is the word “no”. We shout it from the rooftops. In fact, according to researchers, the average toddler hears the word “no” at least 400 times a day.
And while we all know that using this word too much can impact a child’s confidence, we should also be aware that doing so can also crush their sense of wonder, discovery and curiosity.
Let me give you an example.
When my son was 8, he joined the boy scouts. My husband, who is extremely laisse-faire took him with his troop and the other fathers on a short backpacking trip. Once the group had set up shop, they left for a short hike through the forest.
The boys soon discovered a 9-foot rock wall next to the path. They all clambered over to start to climb. But one father, rushed up and pulled his son back, telling him it was far too dangerous for him to climb the wall. The boy looking rather dejected, watched on as the other boys tried to navigate the rock face.
About ten minutes later, the boys concluded that the rock was too steep and abandoned their quest. The important thing here, is that they came to this decision themselves. They had tried. But they also used their own judgement to abandon their quest.
Too often, we default to “no”.
And when we do, we teach our kids to stop before they can even try. We teach them to avoid taking risks. We teach them not to pursue things that are perceived to be difficult or impossible.
To combat this, be sure to give your kids a little space. Say “yes”. Let them experiment. And watch them flourish and grow as a result.
We force them to take our way or the highway
My daughter had a teacher in middle school who used to teach the kids algebra. The teacher was a stickler for having the kids write out the solution in a very specific way to show their work.
Any deviation from her method was penalized in the form of a lower grade.
But let’s be honest, marking a child with a “0” for a problem that they got correct, just because they didn’t follow the process to a tee, is a motivation killer.
We know that teachers are trying to make sure children understand how to solve problems. This is critical. But there are usually many ways to tackle a problem. And we often generate better results when we afford children a little latitude.
Now, it may be that teachers are trying to change their tune. But things still have a very long way to go. Just take a look at the recent Gallup Poll results. In this recent survey, teachers and students were asked how often they used or were given practice work to boost creativity (such as discussing topics with no right or wrong answers).
56% of teachers said they used these methods, but less than 36% of kids agreed.
All too often, teachers and adults (like me) have strong opinions. We want others to follow. We don’t want to be questioned. We are the grown-ups — and we think we know best. So, we stop being flexible. We push our kids to emulate us.
But this is a huge mistake. Because it has the effect of letting our kids know that there is only one right way, only one good way and only one acceptable way to do things.
Fixing this isn’t difficult. It just requires a little flexibility. Give your kid’s the opportunity and ability to find alternative solutions to problems and reward them for their ingenuity. You’ll be pleasantly surprised with the results.
We punish failure
When my son was 10, he tried to cook the family dinner. It was quite simply a disaster. I’m not sure what was in it. I think it was supposed to be spaghetti sauce. Only his version included a bottle of ketchup and a bag of sugar. We sat and ate his concoction as he beamed through the meal.
Today, he is still cooking. Only now, thankfully, he is a much-improved cook. The fact that he can cook at all is a big win in my books. I can rest easy knowing he won’t starve when he leaves home.
We could have reprimanded him that day for his disastrous sauce. It was truly awful after all, and our kitchen looked like a bomb site. But that would likely have made him stop cooking all together. And this wasn’t the outcome we were looking for.
Punishing failure sends a signal to the child that they should not bother doing the activity again. But healthy experimentation is key in helping kids learn.
When it comes down to it, we need to reward not punish kids for taking chances in life. So praise the effort put in and encourage your child to continue to enhance and improve their skills.
In the end
Our kids are so full of life and wonder when they are young. But despite the value that society puts on creativity in the workforce, we do a pretty stellar job of crushing our children’s sense of wonder.
Education is partly to blame. Sir Ken Robinson has a brilliant Ted Talk about how schools are doing a bang-up job of killing creativity. But the culpability goes beyond our schools. It’s all-encompassing. And we as parents have a pretty big role to play.
Fixing this is not hard. It merely requires a little flexibility, restraint and some affirmative reinforcement. And if we do this well, we can ensure the curiosity and zest our kids exude so freely when they are young— continues to thrive and grow.
© Courtney Burry 2021
Looking for more parenting stories? Be sure to check out more of Courtney’s work here:
