4 Steps To A Pure And Committed Love

But first, a story.

“I think you've lost her bro… When a woman is done, it's usually how they act.”

There are certain things you do not want to accept. Even though the handwriting is clear on the proverbial wall. You wish you could break down that wall. I know. Its the same way I felt when my ex-girlfriend of six years broke up with me. My heart was already breaking the weeks before, refusing to accept what seems like impending doom. A new reality that could shatter my world.

It took just 24 hours, after my friend made those statements, for her to finally say the words that would send me living like an anchorite for the next 12 months, that changed my life and my outlook about love and people.

There are some heartbreaks from lives storms, that I cannot fault — not anymore; as the fruits that sprang forth after the storms turned out to be soul-enriching and path defining. What those wisdom are, and how they’ve shaped my outlook about love, life and myself, that has helped me to set the table for pure and committed love over the years, is what I’ll be sharing with you today.

Gaining clarity

The one year plus of celibacy, if you would call it that, had me, not only avoiding love and potential partners but actually reflecting on my life, habits and actions. It was a six years relationship; a relationship that started off in high school, as young kids, saw as grown into adults and developed into our place in life. But I was unfaithful in most part of it.

There was a sense of taking for granted, my partner and the relationship; thinking that we loved each other and we are gonna be together. So it doesn't matter if I'm still fooling around. but all that naive thinking changed after the breakup.

Certain things they say breaks your heart and fix your vision. There is more to a relationship than love. Absent-purpose is absent-destination. The big question is, for the six years, where were we headed? And by that I meant, by my actions, where was the relationship headed? A relationship without purpose and vision will eventually end in heartbreak.

I gained clarity only after the tears had washed the naivete off my eyes. It made me understand that without purpose, we die. Today I know what I want because I know where I am headed. I date meaningfully and purposefully.

It starts with self

The question I asked myself is, what does it take to build a happy home. A home where the wife cannot be happier, children growing joyfully, strong and healthy. Parents, who have the right understanding and personality to create a place that is serene and loving?

It starts with the self — me. They say we do not get what we want out of life, we get what we are. Success is not something we pursue, it is something we attract. The more clarity I gain, the more I understand that to find what I seek, I must go searching with all that I am. I must focus on becoming, rather than having.

The relationship of pure and committed love, starts with me, becoming the man that can create a safe home adorned with fidelity, and trust, love and compassion, understanding and kindness. It begins with me being honest with my flaws and seeks to work on them.

No one has it all

As I am able to come in contention with my own weakness, it humbles me, bringing me to an understanding that, to ask another, to offer their freedom, their individuality, and to share it with me, is a great ask. And if I find such a person that I'm willing to bestow a thing unfair as marriage upon, then I must be willing to accept their weakness as well, with respect and understanding.

No one has it all. We are all flawed — damaged even to some degree. But the inevitability of flaws, should not be the banishment of happiness. They both can coexist. Howbeit then?

It starts with me, setting the table for pure and committed love. By been understanding, welcoming, hospitable — creating a space of no prejudice. Where my partner can grow and flourish. A place where she feels secure enough, to be her true self without reservation.

Love is reciprocity

I am ashamed of myself today when I look back at my past. I wish I could go back to make some corrections. In the article, She broke his heart and for good reason, I wrote about how I have forgiven her, but in truth, I am the one in need of forgiveness. From my own pain, I have come to understand the pain of others, and how my selfishness can destroy a heart.

The golden rule says, treat others how you would want to be treated. Having gained clarity, I cannot demand fidelity, if I do not give it. I cannot demand faithfulness if I am unfaithful. How dare I expect to be loved purely, if I have not done the same?

Love is like a self-fulfilling prophecy, the more we give, the more we receive. If we give a smile, we are more likely to get a smile back than a frown. If we give sincerity, the chances of our partner to give us honesty goes up. It's like the biblical principle of, what you sow, you reap.

In conclusion, setting the table for a pure and committed love starts with us. To first understand what we truly want, and how imperfect we are. What past baggages are we dragging along, that we need to let go of?

Make a study of what love truly is: a commitment that is more than just a feeling. And just like a gardener prepares the soil of his garden before introducing his seedlings, so also we must start with ourselves.

This was written in response to the weekend prompt by 𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘢 𝘊..

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