How I Learned to let my Future Decide my Circle and Not the Other Way Around
Qualities to look for in people.
Back in high school, I was not the best, though little effort could have improved my grades, I didn’t really care. Somewhere around the middle was great for me. My friends and I, on average, were similar, brilliant but lazy, or should I say carefree.
But there was another friend of ours, who for privacy we’d call TJ. TJ was way brighter than most and always came top of the class until some new girl joined our class. None of us thought much of it. Each term new students get admitted, and that hasn’t changed anyone’s score at the end of the section — until now.
At the end of the term, when results were released, TJ found himself as 2nd best. He was astounded and distraught at the same time. For the rest of us, it was like, ‘what’s the big deal?’ But for him it was, and what he did next shocked the rest of us.
When the next section started, we were surprised to find out that TJ had transferred to the very first arm of the class. In case you are not familiar with the schooling structure in my country, here is what it means: each class has three arms. It exists because the school does not want to overcrowd a particular class. So each class was split into three arms. Ours was SSS 3–C (Senior Secondary School).
It was a well-known fact that the first two arms, A & B, had the brightest students. The moment we saw TJ got himself transferred to the first arm, we understood what his grades meant to him. In hindsight, however, it meant we weren’t the friends he needs to surround himself with if he wishes to prioritise his good grades.
At the end of that term, we all got our results and things stayed the same for us in our class. The new girl came first and continue to stay top of the class throughout my high school years. But for TJ, something interesting happened. I do not know if during the time we all stayed in high school if he ever came top in his new class, but I knew the first term he transferred, he didn’t come first. Though he didn't come first, his grades were higher than everyone in my own class, including the new girl who came top.
I have held on to this story from my childhood and used the lessons and wisdom to make certain key decisions in choosing friends as I go through life. People who come into our lives don’t just come in for no reason. And even if they do, they certainly do not stay in our life with no effect.
The phrase “you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with,” holds true, and I’ve seen that truth in action in my life. Over the years I understand the effect relationships have in our lives, whether romantic or non-romantic relationship.
I have learned the blessings and the lessons of a positive and negative relationship, and it’s these lessons that have taught me the signs and qualities to look for in a relationship as I seek to be meticulous in choosing friends. Below are five more qualities besides that of TJ’s that I use as a barometer for gauging who is fit to be in my life.
They hold me accountable
‘So what was the topic of today?’
I froze. Somehow, I can’t remember what the topic was. I cringed to remember. And finally, it came.
“Paying The Price,” I told her.
Then I thought, ugh! What a friend. Keeping me on my toes. Now, I know I must pay attention in church.
While not all friends can be the same way to us, but I have made it mandatory that I have close friends who are as interested in certain things as I am, and take those things seriously. As a Christian, I have a few friends who hold me accountable for my Christian walk with God.
Since I started on Medium, my girlfriend has been like the mother with a cane, giving me the don’t-you-dare look, to make sure a day does not pass by without me meeting my writing goal. I dare not tell her I couldn’t write. I’ll be dead!
They’re highly ambitious
The major reason I never sought to better my grades back in high school was mostly that I and my close circle of friends were always flitting around the same grades. And within my close friends, none were ambitious enough to call us out on it. I guess they too didn’t think to do better because I and the others seemed comfortable with how much we were doing already.
I have a female friend currently living in Nigeria. She has this sort of ambition that leaves you envious and fired up. We were chatting on WhatsApp a while ago, and I told her, it seemed every morning I wake up; you are starting a new project. She would joke with me to rush back home before she conquers the entire business space.
Such a friend keeps me on my toe and keeps the fire of innovation and entrepreneurship alive in me. You cannot feel comfortable with people who are thinking about the next project or the next big thing while you are moping and living mediocrely.
They connect you with opportunity
December last year I got a call from my sister’s boyfriend, about a business investment he thought I’d be interested in. An online market platform has just started and seems to have great prospects. For the two years they launched, they’ve seen profit, and they wanted to expand their reach, so they opened the platform for investors.
Though I couldn’t get on the wagon, as I had financial strain because of the Covid-19 pandemic and a personal project I was working on, it felt good to have a friend who calls you up for opportunities.
There is a popular phrase in my country that it is not about what you know, but who you know. We move towards better opportunities through the connections we have around us. Imagine having a circle that doesn’t network, or doesn’t share in the same interest as you. Who can you rely on to provide you with the information and opportunity that could help your prospects?
They’re dependable
About two weeks ago, I and my girlfriend came up with a side hustle that had a good turnover potential. But the problem was, we didn’t have liquid cash.
At that point, a few friends came to mind that I could ask for a loan. I left a WhatsApp voice note for one of my really good friends, and we got the alert the following day. Thankfully, the business started off for the first time today. Fingers crossed on its future.
Friends who you can count on, make life easier. A favourite bible scripture says; “a close friend is better than a brother afar off.”
Dependable friends are those friends we know we can count on to drive us home when we are drunk at a party. Friends who can cover for us and get the boss off our backs. Friends — little angels that save the day and make it look so effortless.
They look out for you
Over 10 years ago, my best friend, as was accustomed, visited me some days before Christmas. And, as usual, we played PlayStation and had fun. After all the fun with other friends of mine, I saw him off.
On getting back home, my mom called me aside and said she was surprised at what my friend did. I too was surprised and asked, ‘what did he do?’ He didn’t tell you about the money he gave me? Mom asked, surprised. ‘What money?’ I said, even more surprised. My friend had left my house that day and left a Christmas gift for my mom without telling me.
Today, despite the distance, we are as close as ever. He is one of those friends you can’t help but hold on to in your heart as you patiently look for opportunities to help them anytime you have the chance, as an appreciation for those things they’ve done for you.
Finally
Relationships have effects on our lives, whether those effects are negative, or positive is a different issue. But the good news is, it is within our power to decide how that narrative plays out.
Jim Rohn asked the question; ‘look at your relationships, and ask yourself, what is this relationship doing to me? And is it okay?’
The relationship we surround ourselves with can either set us on the right path to achieve our goals or they can deter us. So in my life’s journey, I have learned to look into my future and use that as an incentive to choose who stays in my life today, rather than allowing those relationships to determine my future.
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