THE ULTIMATE WRITING GUIDES, PART 5
Why 313 People CAN’T Be Wrong…
A thank you for everything my online writing friends have taught me
Life is difficult because it involves doing the one thing that people will try to avoid at any cost: suffering.
The crazy thing is that the most important lessons we learn almost invariably happen because we have suffered.
Now, I’m not advocating self-flagellation (my favorite example, because every night after whipping himself bloody, the pious gentlemen leaves his cheating wife to continue his affair with another woman just down the castle hallway), or walking through the streets of some Middle Eastern city and cutting yourself with swords (there will be no link to that insanity).
And I would never recommend sitting through even one episode of The Ranch, because that would be the most needless suffering imaginable. (And considering how long that turd of a show lasted, there are a lot of masochists out there.)
Life is tough enough these days without looking for more things to be miserable about (note: I wrote this before Herr Drumpf became the president).
Trust me, when you get to the point where you need to stretch to prepare for your daily workout — which consists of getting out of bed — you won’t be on the lookout for new ways to suffer.
And that brings me to the lesson of today, what Medium has taught me about writing.
People want to laugh. They need to laugh.
I will go so far as to say the following (t-shirt manufacturers take note):
Laughter is the most enjoyable exercise in life that doesn’t require a partner.™
How can I back up that claim, you ask? Well, I can’t.
But if I had 37,000 followers, or sold a successful tech startup, or had a capital “E” at the front of my name, you would probably be retweeting this article for the entire world to see, because it is true.
Think of one thing that you love to do that you used to do all the time, (not that one, you pervs), that you still have time to do (even you, “have-it-all moms”) and that you can do without even moving? The answer should be obvious.
No, not masturbation, Jules. It’s laughter!
The reason I mentioned my friend Jules is not because she is a master of this activity (I have no recorded proof of this), but because she made me do something yesterday (and no, I was not looking at her picture as I did this) that led me to the whole point of this story, which, in case you have forgotten in the midst of some Jules-inspired rambling (I hope I did you proud, sweetie), is what I learned about writing from you, the good people of Medium.
Jules was a brilliant but naughty social observer who discovered the one and true method with which writers build their following on Medium. No, you will not learn it from Jon W’s infamous post, or Morgan Rock Loehr’s brilliant response. And you will certainly not learn it from my well-documented failures, here, here, here, here, or here.
Her method involves responding to the posts of writers with huge followings, which in turn gives you a much larger number of recommends, highlights and followers than you could ever get by yourself.
And she coined the scientific term every social media researcher in America should be using:
Coattail Starfucking™ (CTSF)
So, because we were discussing the subject of CTSF, I decided to look at my own statistics to see if, in fact, I am a green heart junkie who will do anything to get attention. And the answer was a resounding “do you even need to ask?”
Here’s a screen shot of my Top 10 stories in terms of the current currency of the land:
You will notice that 8 out of 10 of my most recommended stories are the direct result of CTSF. Of these stories, five are my original stories, and not a response to someone else’s monster post (however, three of them started out as responses, or shamelessly linked to my stories, so I still classify them as CTSF).
The big lesson of the day…
When I added up my the number of recommends for my top six articles, the number came out to be 313. That’s 313 people who found my stuff funny.
Not one of my serious, non-CTSF articles (and surprise, I’ve written quite a few of them) made my personal Top 10. And I realized that people want to laugh, so that’s what I write.
People are looking to laugh.
The eleventh most popular article I wrote was just a my list of the funniest writers on Medium and some favorite examples.
Think about that. People are so desperate to laugh that they elevated my list of recommendations above almost every story I have written over the last four months! I didn’t do one bit of work, aside from searching out and linking to writers who have made me laugh since I’ve been on Medium.
So, with that in mind, I propose a new scientific term to a behavior I may have invented back on March 15th, although I can’t be certain:
Coattail Stargazing™ (CTSG)
Instead of wasting time doing shameless self-promotion, I will shamelessly promote other writers’ work.
A McEnnis, a beautiful writer whose anonymity inspired me to write “All the self-improvement, start-up, and entrepreneurial posts by the Gods of Medium combined can’t hold a candle to the emotional power of this one story.”
Michelle Stone, the dreamer who created and inspired the soon-to-be-ending epic, The Grammar Games.
The departed [UPDATE: resurrected Kel Campbell, and don’t f*ckin’ make me change this again], Jules, Heather Nann, S Lynn Knight, and others, who have opened my eyes about sexism and the open wounds of womanhood.
Abby Norman, alto, Jonathan Carroll, Elliot Nichols, and many others who have written beautiful, moving fiction.
Lizella Prescott, whose wordsmithing is almost comparable to Michael Chabon.
Holly Wood, whose unique combination of swearing, astute political observation and fearlessness always makes for a great read.
Mike Essig, the bravest poet on Medium, writing about men’s desires and the ghosts of war.
Not only will I plug other peoples’ writing, I would like to encourage you to contribute your favorites in the comments below.
One last favor…
Don’t take social media bullshit so seriously. Almost no one will get rich writing personal essays on this site, but the way we connect as writers sharing our stories and comments enriches everyone.
You can find all seven of the Ultimate Writing Guides here:
