3 Things Stay-At-Home Mothers Need to Know Way Before a Divorce

As a divorcing stay-at-home mom, I was blindsided by all 3

I usually don’t start an article with desperation but here goes.

If you are thinking of becoming a stay-at-home mother read this. If you know someone who is thinking of becoming a stay-at-home mother tell them to read this. If you have a daughter or a niece tell them to read this.

If you are on social media post this.

Now let me explain why.

It’s the year 2023 in real-time.

In divorce time, it’s the year 1950.

Don’t believe me? Read on.

I was a stay-at-home mom. I was born well after 1950. I didn’t think that year would have any relevance in my life, let alone my marriage. I had a beautiful baby. My husband and I made a ‘joint’ decision for me to become a stay-at-home mom.

I was blissfully uninformed and unaware.

I thought I had secured the job of a lifetime.

But love and life are complicated. The tall handsome drink of water I met in college broke my heart into a million pieces. Our family was devastated and I made the decision to leave.

I fully understood this would change my lifestyle.

But I believed the divorce system would be fair, honest, and equitable.

Not to mention, the college sweetheart that despite everything I still trusted.

I’m a good person. I don’t mean that in the saintly sense because I’m human and I’ve made mistakes. Most of my errors were made during the years I desperately tried to hold onto the man I loved and the family I lived for.

I own them, I’m ashamed of some of them but I am accountable.

The end of a relationship ushers an ugliness most of us are rarely capable of.

I thought divorce was a new beginning and a chance to atone. I thought it was an opportunity to bring back the better parts of me. I thought it would proffer the calm, peace, joy, and safety my children deserved.

I didn’t think in terms of being a stay-at-home mother.

I thought a man and woman that once loved each other were parting.

I thought it was sad. I thought it was loss and grief. I thought it was the end of a dream. I thought I destroyed a picture my children could never again draw in its entirety.

But then my husband and society told me what they thought of me.

They reminded me I was one thing and one thing only.

A stay-at-home mother.

I didn’t understand. I was valuable. I knew this. I was the mother of my children. I worked through exhaustion, through sickness, through endless hours. I had to perform. I couldn’t take a day off.

But my husband and society told me that didn’t matter.

I didn’t have the money to prove it.

3 Things stay-at-home mothers need to know way before a divorce:

1. A stay-at-home mother will be labeled

Stay-at-home mothers are labeled during a divorce.

Again, it’s not 2023.

The year is 1950.

The once archaic mentality and stereotypes thrive in an otherwise contemporary environment. The calendar may have marched forward but the perception of a stay-at-home mother has not.

A divorcing stay-at-home mother is viewed as lazy.

She’s taking advantage of a hard-working man.

She should be immediately able to stand on her own two feet. She shouldn’t expect much. She’s not seen as an equal partner. She should be able to support herself regardless of how many years or decades she’s been out of the workforce.

She should be grateful a man is giving her what he’s giving in a divorce.

2. A stay-at-home mother will not be seen as a contributor

A stay-at-home mother is not seen as a contributor.

A stay-at-home mother will be cited in a divorce as not having financially contributed to the marriage. Her contributions will not be seen as equal or relevant to the partnership.

It won’t matter what a stay-at-home mother did.

She could have done everything else to support the marriage, the family, and the home. She could have done all childcare, and all household chores, maintained house repairs, and the yard, paid the bills, and more. It won’t matter.

Her husband could have done nothing but go to and from work.

It won’t matter.

The financial aspect will rule out the divorce outcome.

The spouse who earned the money will be dominant. The stay-at-home mother will be viewed as someone who is monetarily asking for more than she deserves. Not the equal partnership they once agreed upon when they decided she would become a stay-at-home mother.

3. A stay-at-home mother's professional sacrifice will mean nothing

A stay-at-home mother's professional sacrifice will mean nothing.

A divorce will include zero consideration for the professional sacrifice a stay-at-home mother makes. It will not be taken into consideration that a woman walked away from her entire earning potential to support her husband and family.

It will mean nothing.

A stay-at-home mother is seen only as one thing, a stay-at-home mother.

Not a woman who once made a joint decision with her husband to stay at home and raise their children. A choice that benefited everyone in the family, especially her husband.

It won’t matter.

There will be no compensation for a lifetime of lost professional growth.

The sacrifice of a stay-at-home mother never even enters consideration during a divorce. The stereotype is too rooted in archaic mentalities that are seemingly dormant but expose themselves during a divorce.

Stay-at-home mothers aren’t valued in a divorce.

Stay-at-home mothers aren’t seen as equals. Stay-at-home mothers aren’t seen as contributors. Stay-at-home mothers aren’t recognized for their truth.

Or for their incredible and substantial professional and monetary sacrifice.

And therein lies the real irony.

Stay-at-home mothers sacrifice their income.

Yet in divorce, their husbands and society discard them as monetarily insignificant. Worse, and again ironically, they insinuate stay-at-home mothers haven’t contributed financially.

It’s like a bizarre nonsensical puzzle.

It makes zero sense.

It’s an absolute contradiction.

I usually don’t end an article with desperation but here goes.

If you are thinking of becoming a stay-at-home mother read this. If you know someone who is thinking of becoming a stay-at-home mother tell them to read this. If you have a daughter or a niece tell them to read this.

If you are on social media post this.

Now let me explain why.

It’s the year 2023 in real-time.

In divorce time, it’s the year 1950.

Don’t believe me? Ask me.

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