WHEN GRIEF OVERWHELMS YOU | GRIEF | WIDOWS | HEALING MINDSET

3 Crippling Beliefs to Avoid — Part 2

Yes, it’s okay NOT to feel guilty!

Three days ago, I started writing about the limiting beliefs I had as I was going through my grief. Though everyone grieves differently, I found three limiting beliefs that hampered my “recovery.” (Go here to read about the first limiting belief, in case you missed it.) Today I’m writing about the second limiting belief I found in my journal.

Limiting Belief # 2: I’m doomed to live the rest of my life in sorrow. How can a widow desire to have a new, exciting future and not feel a sense of guilt?

By day 49 of the Long Goodbye, I was feeling so low I could hardly bear it. I can’t let these emotions drag me deeper and deeper into the abyss of grief and depression.

In my early twenties, I foolishly got married when I shouldn’t have. I think I was rebelling against my parents at the time. (And I didn’t want to admit to myself that they were right about the person I was marrying.) He took great delight in mentally abusing me. As I accepted his constant verbal abuse as truth, I fell into a bottomless depression. Before I was completely buried in its chasm, I heard a quiet, firm voice within. It was urging me to take control of my life — to fight back.

I don’t remember what I did or how I did it. What I do remember is that I never ever wanted to be in that dire situation again.

Recalling my experience years ago, I sensed I was nearing the “event horizon” of unending depression. I knew I had to do something to pull myself away from the edge before I fell in.

The quiet, firm voice within came to my rescue once again. I call her my guardian angel.

She was telling me to find a moment of joy. It will bring some relief. What you need is relief from the constant sadness and melancholy. And, yes, it’s okay to feel relief. Yes, it’s okay to want to experience joy once more.

During this time, I was worried about my finances because I would be “on my own” when my husband died. His military retirement pay ended when he did. And his life insurance was minimal. Having had my own business for over 30 years, I decided I could create another one that would be fun. So, imagining starting a new business brought me a spark of joy. Thinking about it lessened some of the hopelessness I was feeling.

Next, I thought about the possibility of living a bodacious life — having a dream come true.

Just as I was entering into that next happy thought, GUILT raised its ugly head.

Shame on you for thinking about a joyful future! Your husband is dying, and you want to have an exciting life? You’re supposed to be mourning. Do you want to dishonor your husband’s existence and memory? You’re gonna throw your marriage and relationship away so you can play and have some fun? What will everyone think?

The darkness of sorrow was descending upon me once more. But before it got too dark, my inner angel roared.

STOP! Stop the guilt. It’s not helping you heal. It’s not helping your husband either.

Answer this question. Would your husband want you to live the rest of your life in misery and unhappiness?

Err, no, probably not.

Then, listen to me very carefully. Just because your husband is dying, doesn’t mean you have to. It’s okay to LIVE the rest of your life bodaciously — creating a life you totally love. One filled with joy, happiness, love, adventure, and fun.

You’re not dishonoring your husband, either. If you were the one with Alzheimer’s and slowly dying, wouldn’t you want your husband to go on living a good life — a new life?

Yes.

Okay.

You will honor him by beginning to live your “new” life without him. Go for your lost dreams. Figure out what will bring you joy and happiness on your journey into a different world — alone.

You will honor him by thanking him for all the good things you shared over the years. Your love. The laughs, the tough times, the great times, and everything in between. Honor him by making sure his eventual transition will be a peaceful and loving one.

And that’s what I did.

Each time I visited with him, I made sure I looked good. I wanted to see his eyes light up when he saw me. One of the last things he said to me was, “Boy, you sure are pretty!” I held his hand. I kissed him. I made sure he was comfortable. I did this up to the last few hours before he died. I’m pretty sure his was a tranquil transition.

Between my visits, I started working on a new business. I knew I could help women entrepreneurs over 60 create a bodacious life and business with my business expertise. My prep work helped me out of my depression. Each new day, relief visited for a few minutes. Then for a few hours. Then for a day here and there.

If there is a “best of all” during grief, it would be I didn’t feel guilty from that point on. And taking small steps towards making one of my dreams come true saved me and my sanity.

PS I created a guide — “3 Tips for Giving Away Your Husband’s Things”. You can get it by clicking on this sentence. The guide will help you reset your mindset so that guilt won't stop you from moving on with your life.

PPS In case you haven’t read part 1, here’s the link:

You can read part 3 by going here:

Before I go, I want to tag a few of my writer friends. Discover their great stories. Tim Maudlin JeffHerring.com Brenda Christopher MaryJo Wagner, PhD Dr Mehmet Yildiz Vickie Trancho Jesse-Melva Johnson Sunita Pandit Phil Brakefield Margaret Eves EricAsbeck.com Larry Nowicki William McPeck Trapper Sherwood Chris Hallett

PPPS I’m a widow who refuses to live a life filled with grief but, instead, I live a life filled with joy, happiness, and love. I’m allowing my bodaciousness to direct how I will live the rest of my life.

This story is brought to you by Linda Kay Halladay. Find out more about my travels through grief in my introduction:

I’ve written about my journey out of grief and into bodaciousness. If this story helped you to alleviate some sadness or grief, I invite you to read my other stories about life and the possibilities to experience joy once more.