Life | Grief | Inspiration | Life Lessons | Philosophy

I’ve Been Telling Myself a Horror Story

This is what happens when you take suffering for granted.

There’s no good or bad without us.

Think about that for a moment.

There’s the event, the thing, or the person. Then, there’s the story we tell ourselves about what the event, the thing or the person means to us.

Things, events, or what someone says or does have no intrinsic meaning or value. No signs are hanging on them, saying “I’m good” or “I’m bad.” We give meaning or value to them. For example, when it’s sunny and warm outside, we may say it’s beautiful weather today. We are assigning a meaning to the weather when, in fact, the weather just is. It’s not bad. It’s not good.

When we change the meaning or the value that we assigned to an event or thing or person, we change our perceptions. And, as a result, we change our outcomes when we don’t succumb to debilitating fear, anger, or grief.

If my thoughts (my mind) tell me that an event is awful, terrible, or horrible, it doesn’t mean that I have to agree with them. I get to decide what story I’m going to tell, or whether I would tell one at all.

Observing vs. Perceiving

So when grief rears its ugly head, I have to remember to look it in its eye and ask, Am I observing reality, or am I perceiving it? I’ve got to remember my new mantra. Observing is seeing what IS. Perceiving is seeing a ton more into what actually IS.

Observing sees events, distractions, and misconceptions for what they are. Perceiving sees insurmountable obstacles, hardships, and setbacks in the event or situation. Perception brings its own issues to the game. Problems that don’t help me to live my life the best I can.

In dealing with grief, my “problem” comes from applying a despondent assessment to the things I can’t control — like the death of my husband — as though there was a way I could. I bring more to the actual situation when I lament that he wasn’t supposed to die on me — not this soon, not this way, not ever. This leads to feeling like a victim who is unable to handle all the after-death matters that must be taken care of. Then my grieving emotions cascade into every part of my body, adding more angst to my victim state of mind. By focusing on what I lost, perceiving it as an unsurmountable hardship, I can’t see a way out of my grief.

I had this insight the other day. If I pretended that my husband’s death happened to someone else — to a stranger — I wouldn’t feel the intense sorrow, the depths of grief. I’d have a momentary feeling of sadness for “the” someone else and her family. Then a day or so later, I’d go on with my life.

What’s the difference?

It’s the story I’ve been telling myself about my loss and how I SHOULD feel. My story is a perception that added a ton of baggage to the actual event. I made things up in my mind — I added the regret, the guilt, and the extreme sorrow.

I know this sounds like a “harsh way” to get out of grief. That is, to “see” what happened objectively. To see only the facts. My husband died. There’s nothing I can do to bring him back. My tears and my sorrow won’t change the situation either. What I must do from now on is stop telling my story of sadness and devastating loss. Instead, I must remember to “see” the situation for what it IS.

Nothing more.

Nothing less.

Not good.

Not bad.

See it as just is.

I would like to thank Dr. Yildiz and the entire Illumination community for creating this platform to help each other have better lives filled with joy, love, and happiness. I also want to thank Tim Maudlin and Jeff Herring for their support and encouragement to publish what I’ve written.

Illumination is a great publication to find fabulous stories. Here are links to some of my writer friends -whose stories I think you would enjoy: Tim Maudlin JeffHerring.com Brenda Christopher MaryJo Wagner, PhD Dr Mehmet Yildiz Vickie Trancho Jesse-Melva Johnson Sunita Pandit Peg Duchesne Trapper Sherwood Kathleen N Hoagland Phil Brakefield Margaret Eves EricAsbeck.com Larry Nowicki William McPeck Steven Zabronsky Jane Gardner Eileen Roth Bill Todd Candy L Hill Marian Hays Helen Boss

PS I’m a widow who refuses to live a life filled with grief; instead I now live a life filled with joy, happiness, and love.

I’ve written about my journey out of grief and into bodaciousness. If this story helped you to alleviate some sadness or grief, I invite you to read my other stories about life and the possibilities to experience joy once more.