I am fashion
22 Bling-Tastic Upgrades for Crocs
Turn your tacky toes into the Swiss Army Knife of footwear
Crocs shoes now have optional flashlight attachments, so you don’t bump into furniture in the darkness.
Go lick a poop popsicle Covid-19 pandemic; the world is awesome again!
What other possibilities lurk for the twenty-two holes on top of Uncle Crocy’s Lefteye and Right Stuff? ¹
Here are twenty-four ways to transform your Crocs from fashion faux pas to the Swiss Army Knife of footwear. ²
Bling like a King
- Road flares
- Ice cream scoop
- Tampon dispenser
- Senator Diane Feinstein
- Battery pack with USB-C charging cable
- Aerodynamic tail fins for illegal street car racing, like in the upcoming Universal Pictures film Fast and the Furious 14 ✈ — I must emphatically ask you not to question the origin of this leaked screenplay
- Retractable brass foot-knuckles
- Sliding vents that make the shoes watertight for Scuba Mode — are 100% necessary if a pregnant mermaid kidnaps your obstetrician
- Bitcoin coin purse and NFT holder
- Snowplow
- Krystal meth
- A dehydrated packet of Ramen
- Roller skate wheels — Do you remember when shopping malls were completely flustered with pre-teens zipping around the hallways in their skate shoes, interrupting shoppers? Themz were the dayz
- Covid-19 Vaccine Booster Shot
- Fish-Oil-Resistant disposal baggies for Kristine Laco’s dog
- Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth
- Ted Lasso’s Mustache
- Secret compartment of the good peanut butter in Level-4 Biohazard protective shielding so you can enjoy a classic PBJ in the teachers’ lounge without fear of incident — Made necessary after Vice Principal Panties-in-a-Bunch declared the entire campus to be a nut-free zone worried that the over-indulged scarecrow in pigtails Sierra Petrosimone might die of anaphylaxic shock if anyone, literally anyone, ate a peanut within 100 miles of Battle Creek, Michigan ²
- Epipen
- Lindsay Rae Brown’s Crampons
- Family of rabid squirrels that look cute and friendly at first — Until you get closer and realize there’s a touch of foam around their mouth, and then they jump out of the Crocs and run up your pant legs and bite you in the testicles, then you have less than five hours to get a rabies shot, also in the testicles — which are still really swollen and sensitive from the original squirrel attack
- Reusable ice pack for testicle or non-testicular-related swelling
- CrockPot
Bam! Perfectly decorated Crocs for form and function. Batman’s utility belt never had it so good.
Footnotes
¹ Nickname for my left and right Croc shoes. Settle down, Sir-Pervs-a-lot. Not intended as sexual innuendo.
² Why are twenty-four items on the list but only twenty-two in the title? Because snowplow and tail fins for Crocs are actual products on Esty. [External Links, not affiliated with the author]
³ See Footnote 1.
If you hated this fictitious fashion fable, you’ll loathe this one even more:
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