Summary

In 2017, the author faced a series of personal misfortunes but was given a hopeful prophecy by a former proctologist turned fortune teller, who foresaw the author's future success on social media platforms in 2024.

Abstract

The author recounts a particularly challenging year, 2017, during which they experienced a breakup, physical injury, job loss, and their pet contracting a serious illness. In a moment of desperation, they encountered a homeless man who claimed to predict the future in exchange for a slice of pizza. This man, revealed to be a former proctologist with an unconventional method of fortune-telling, prophesied that the author would become a social media sensation on platforms like Substack in 2024. The author is instructed to publish an article about this encounter on January 25th, 2024, as a catalyst for their success. The story concludes with the author fulfilling their part of the deal by giving the man pizza and expressing hope for the future. The author also notes that the story is a parody of common success narratives and encourages readers to write and publish their own stories of personal adversity.

Opinions

The author views 2017 as the worst year of their life due to a series of unfortunate events.
The author believes in the potential for significant personal turnaround, as indicated by the prophecy of future success.
The author suggests a light-hearted skepticism towards the prophecy, acknowledging the absurdity of the situation.
The author values acts of kindness, as demonstrated by their willingness to give pizza to the homeless man.
The author sees the prophecy as a prompt for others to share their own stories of overcoming adversity.
The author recommends specific platforms and publications for readers to publish their personal narratives, indicating a preference for these outlets.

2017 Was the Worst Year of My Life

So far

**That looks a lot like my 2017** — Photo by Tom Roberts on Unsplash

In 2017, my girlfriend dumped me for her boss, I lost a tooth in a bar fight, got fired from my job, and my cat caught AIDS.

I was desperate.

One night, I returned from a takeaway pizza joint, and a homeless guy noticed me.

“Hey! If you give me a slice of your pizza, I will read your future.”

I had nothing to lose, so I gave him a slice. Anyway, it was a nice thing to do.

As it turned out, he was a former proctologist — who specialized in reading the future from hemorrhoids.

Wild. I know.

A few minutes later, he finished his slice and told me to bend over. With his finger in place, he made his reading.

He said 2024 will be my year.

“Be patient. In seven years, you will become a social media star on Substack. And you’ll get many boosts on Medium, a concept they won’t create before 2023.”

He paused and added, “But you need to do one thing.”

I was getting a bit impatient — as you can imagine.

“What do I have to do?!”

“On January 25th, 2024, you will publish an article about this evening. Not before. Not after. You have to do it on January 25th exactly. And then you’ll come back here with another slice of pizza for me.”

So that’s it, folks. I just published this, and I’m now going to give the guy the pizza.

Wish me luck!

Author’s note

This story is a parody of many backstories I read on X/Twitter. Admittedly, this one is wilder and weirder.

If I were you, I would consider it a prompt and write my version. Which one Was the Worst Year of Your Life?

Once the draft is ready, you’ll likely wonder where to publish such a weird story. Good news! I have a recommendation for you. Publish it in Short and Weird because it will be a good fit, and I love Ryan’s publication.

(And if it’s longer than 300 words, you’re welcome to publish it in Dead or Alive. We also like weird stuff there!)

Subscribe to my Substack to know which year was the best of my life (so far).