Summary

A patient humorously recounts an uncomfortable yet routine medical examination involving an anal probe by a doctor who also happens to be a Medium writer known as "Doctor Funny."

Abstract

The narrative describes an older patient's experience with a prostate examination, a common health issue as one ages. The patient, initially apprehensive about the procedure, engages in conversation with the doctor to distract from the discomfort. The doctor, who introduces himself as Michael Burg, also writes humorous articles on Medium, which surprises the patient. The patient reflects on their own writing about social justice and their previous career in private equity. Despite the invasive nature of the exam, the patient manages to find common ground with the doctor through their shared interest in writing for Medium, adding an amusing twist to an otherwise daunting medical situation.

Opinions

The patient finds the situation ironic and unexpectedly humorous, given the doctor's alter ego as "Doctor Funny" on Medium.
The patient is initially scared and uncomfortable about the anal probe procedure, highlighting the vulnerability and anxiety commonly associated with such intimate medical examinations.
The doctor is portrayed as experienced and reassuring, attempting to ease the patient's tension by engaging in casual conversation and sharing his own interest in writing.
The patient's past career in private equity and current focus on writing about social justice suggest a personal transformation and a newfound passion for advocacy and writing.
The patient's flexibility from daily yoga practice is humorously noted as an asset during the awkward positioning required for the examination.
The patient's discovery of the doctor's Medium content adds a layer of surprise and connection, making the experience less impersonal.

I Got Anal Probed by Doctor Funny

It was not funny

When you grow older, your body starts manifesting its suicidal tendencies. For example, what the layman calls a pain in the ass, and the Doctor a prostate, grows bigger.

Too much bigger.

When it happens, you have two options. You can call your favorite Dominatrix and ask her for pegging advice, or you can go to a Doctor. I chose the latter.

The sound of plastic gloves clapping on the flesh of his hands sends shivers up my spine and down my asshole.

“Could you get down on your four, please? And put your ass a little higher? Yes, perfect.”

This is not a situation where you want to be. I mean, I have my fair share of naughty-nurses fantasies, but this isn’t part of it. Especially when the Doc tells you this:

“Sorry, my fingers are too short. You have what we call a deepus prostatus. I’ll have to use an anal probe. It can hurt a bit, unfortunately, so let me put a small plug to keep you dilated while I search for the probe. It’s called a probus maximus in medical terms. Do you have questions?”

“I’m a bit scared, Doc.”

“It’s OK to be scared, but don’t worry, I’m a professional. I’ve done this a hundred times this year only. Why don’t you tell me about your life? It will distract you. What do you do for a living?”

Here I am, down on all four, my ass up in the air with a butt plug, telling the Doc about my life while he’s rummaging his drawers, looking for a probus maximus. The little I know about Latin doesn’t reassure me.

“I used to work for private equity, but I quit. Now I write articles about social justice online.”

“Really? Where?” said the Doc, stopping his search, interested.

“It’s a site called Medium. Have you heard about it?”

“How uncanny! I write there too! You wouldn’t believe how relaxing it can be after a hard day of probing people’s assholes. I write humorous articles. People even call me “Doctor Funny.”

I freeze.

“Ha! I found the probe! Are you ready?”

Suddenly, I realize I don’t know the name of the Doctor. My wife has made the appointment for me. “I’m sorry, Doc, what’s your name again?”

“Burg, Doctor Michael Burg. Why?”

With a probe up my ass, I have to be prudent. Lucky for me, I’m very flexible, thanks to my daily yoga practice. So, I stick my head next to my right knee and look up.

This is what I see:

Smillew is a Medium artist who writes about testicles scratching tools, his Medium newsletter, and his Medium referral link. No need to follow him; he’ll show up in your feed.