Why Opposites Really Attract — It’s Not for the Reason You Think
We all want our opposites, here is why
Ever wondered why some people are only ever attracted to people who are the dead opposite of them? It’s because we want to date people who firstly, have things that we don’t have, specifically in a complementary manner, and secondly, people who can bring us balance and optimality for our environment.
That means all of us are only ever attracted to people who are our opposites in some way or another. It is just the more extreme traits a person has, the more amplified this effect tends to be, and vice versa, the less extreme, the less amplified.
For example, a great talker who is a terrible listener will likely be attracted to a terrible talker who is a great listener and vice versa, but because the great talker is a terrible listener and because the great listener is a terrible talker, they will really seem like opposites.
At the same time, a person who is a decent talker and not a bad listener, and a person who is a decent listener and not a bad talker, will likely be attracted to each other, but the differences between them will be less obvious. So they won’t seem like opposites even though they are.
I should note that both relationships can work so long as both parties acknowledge their strengths and weaknesses and are willing to work on them. After all, communication is always key in a relationship.
But the point is, opposites attract and for good reason.
For example, that person who is a great talker, if you yourself are a terrible talker, you’re likely to be attracted to him or her because he or she has something you don’t. On the flipside, the great talker is likely to be attracted to you because you need the ability to talk, and they have it.
But there is a caveat, they will only be attracted to you under this scenario if you have something that they don’t have i.e. maybe you are a great listener and they are not. Both parameters must be met for there to be mutual attraction. Not just that, but both traits must be beneficial for the environment in which both are living.
Attraction in a way is altruistic, we want to share traits that benefit our survival with all of the human race, or at least our tribes, and we instinctually want to give those who struggle in certain areas a boost. But only if they can give us one in an area where we are weak. So, we instinctually want people who can improve us, and who we can improve.
Height is a useful way of showing this, if a man is taller than average and has children with a woman who is taller than average, then they likely will have children who are taller than average. However, if a man who is taller than average has a child with a woman who is shorter than average, then the children they will have will likely be around average height.
The latter is preferable which is why people who are taller than average more often are attracted to people who are shorter than average and vice versa.
You might think: why would we want people to be of average height? For a very logical reason, if people who were taller than average kept getting with people who were taller than average, then the children of those couples would keep getting taller and taller. And vice versa, if people shorter than average kept getting with people shorter than average then the heights of the children of those people would keep getting shorter and shorter. Both big no nos.
Here is why, imagine all the smartest people only ever got with all the smartest people, what would happen to the rest of the people who did not get the smart genetics passed on to them? They would get left behind.
This is why we’ve evolved to do the opposite, to get with people who have strength where we have weakness and vice versa, or rather to get with people who have contrasting similarities to us.
A contrasting similarity is basically exactly what it sounds like. For example, one person may be extremely emotive, another person may be extremely unemotive. There is the contrast. The similarity may come into play when we look at the internal feelings. For example, both may feel the same on the inside.
That would mean in this case one expresses their feelings too much externally and one does not express their feelings enough externally. But both process their feelings the same way inside. Combine both of these elements and you get a contrasting similarity. They are the same but different. Bring these two elements together and they will complement each other greatly.
To explain why, imagine all the great athletes only ever getting with great athletes and all the terrible athletes only ever getting with terrible athletes. What would happen? The great athletes would keep getting better, and the terrible athletes would keep getting worse.
But imagine the great athletes are terrible at maths, but the terrible athletes are brilliant at it. The great athletes would keep getting worse at maths while becoming better athletes, the terrible athletes would keep getting better at maths while becoming worse athletes.
If this continued, eventually both would evolve into different species and neither would be in great shape when it comes to having the best survival tools — that is assuming, of course, both maths and athletic skills are important for survival.
But, if the great athlete got with the great mathematician, they would gain both skillsets, as would their children. And because their children would have the genetics of both parents, the children would be genetically superior to their parents, and the human gene pool would be greatly improved.
For example, returning to the emotive and unemotive person example, put the extremely unemotive person with the extremely emotive person, and the emotive person will bring the unemotive person out of their shell, and the unemotive person will be able to handle the emotive person's emotiveness and so will be able to help them not externalise things so much.
If they have a child, that child will be less emotive than the extremely emotive parent, and yet will be more emotive than the extremely unemotive one — on average. If you combine it all together and imagine that the great athlete is highly emotive, and the person great at maths is highly unemotive. If they have children, the likelihood is the child will be a better athlete than the parent who is good at maths while also being more emotive than them, and they will be better at maths than the parent who is a good athlete and less emotive than them.
That means that the parents will help bring balance to each other’s extreme traits, and will have children who are more balanced and so suited for the world in which they are living than they themselves are — on average.
It’s not a perfect science of course, this is all statistically speaking. But it’s the principle that matters. More often than not, this is the process that occurs.
The fact is, we want to share with people the best genetics for the environment in which we are living, and we want people to share with us the same in return.
So, whether it is extremity, so a person has an extreme skill or is extremely rubbish at something, or something to do with our bodies, so height or facial structure or whatever (think a person with a big head and a person with a small head), we instinctually want to bring about optimality for the environment in which we are living.
The way we do this is through having opposites attract.
To give a final example, somebody who wants sex a lot will frequently find themselves attracted to somebody who isn’t that into sex, and vice versa, the reason being if they had a child, that child in all probability would have a more balanced sex drive i.e. a sex drive that was more likely to yield the right number of children for the environment in which it was living.
Think of it a bit like this, people who want sex too much are not going to stop having sex even when we need to stop making so many babies — this would put the human race at risk of extinction through overpopulation. People who don’t like sex enough are not going to start having enough sex to make more babies when we need more babies — this would put the human race at risk of extinction because of a dwindling population.
In both cases, the effects on human survival chances would be devastating, which is why people who tend to want sex a lot tend to find themselves drawn to people who are not big fans and vice versa. They equalise each other out and make it more likely that when we need babies, they will make them, and we don’t, they will stop.
And that’s what opposites attracting is all about, equalising out detrimental traits, and sharing beneficial traits.
Final words
Opposites attract because we instinctually want to make ourselves and others stronger by sharing the most useful survival traits amongst ourselves. On top of that, we all want to create genetic optimality for the environment in which we are living — so we want our children to be our superiors and to not have the weaknesses we do. Opposites attracting is the best way to achieve both of these goals. Meaning the reason opposites attract is that opposites attracting improves the survival chances of both couples and their children along with that of their entire tribes and by default the human race. It does this by ensuring that we all have the best tools for survival.
That’s all from me, thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, you may also enjoy the following:
Three Mind-Blowing Ways Overpopulation May Be Wreaking Havoc with Our Relationships
Six Interesting Theories About Sexual Desire and Relationships That You Probably Didn’t Know
12 Fascinating Facts About Orgasms That You Probably Didn’t Know
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