Six Interesting Theories About Sexual Desire and Relationships That You Probably Didn’t Know
The male libido is fuelled by the desire to pass on their DNA, the female libido by the desire to build a connection and then maintain it
Sex and relationships are big money — because virtually everybody is interested in them. Here are six facts and theories that you probably didn’t know about sexual desire and relationships.
Disclaimer: facts and theories about sex and human nature are fickle and should always be taken with a pinch of salt mentality.
It is common, especially amongst men but not exclusive to men, to want sexual relief but to consciously not be in the mood for sex i.e. it is common to find yourself not in the mood for sex but feeling insanely horny
Ever felt like your partner wants sex from you and pursues sex from you and has sex with you, but that they just didn’t seem to be that into it, and seemed to want to get it over with as quickly as possible?
Sometimes our body tells us it wants sexual relief, but our mind is not happy about this fact because it is not in the mood to have sex. Which can be incredibly frustrating. In a way think of it like being starving, but not being in the mood to eat. In this case, you will eat, not because you want to, but because you will not be able to focus on anything else until you do eat.
That means that the conscious desire for sex and our libido are not always in sync, for most people it’s mainly an annoyance that occurs now and then. But in some men and women, their libido is so high and so out of sync with their conscious desire for sex, that they live in a state of permanent sexual frustration which ruins not only their sex lives but frequently their mental health.
It is common, especially amongst women in long-term relationships but not exclusive to them, to consciously want sex but to instinctually not be able to spark your desire
It’s a common misconception to think that instinctual sexual desire and conscious sexual desire are linked, they are not. As highlighted in the previous point, a person instinctually could have a libido that is through the roof but may consciously not even like sex let alone want it, which leads to a person being incredibly frustrated.
On the flipside, a person can consciously want sex but have a non-existent libido — which is equally incredibly frustrating. Countless studies have shown that many women in long-term relationships, no matter their age, frequently succumb to the latter, whereas in men it tends to happen more as they get older.
For the men and women this happens to, it can be incredibly frustrating because it can leave them consciously feeling sexually unfulfilled and yet having no way to gain fulfilment because their libidos will not wake up — no matter how much they want them to, and how much they fancy their partners.
On a side note, this is why some are coming to believe that the key to a good sex life is taking the need for a functioning libido out of it and instead treating it as a couple bonding experience.
That means if you consciously desire to be intimate with your partner, and want to be intimate with them, even if your libido is “out of order”, listen to your conscious mind instead and get it on i.e. even if you can’t get your own or your partner’s little man or little woman going, there are many other forms of sexual intimacy available.
The male libido is fuelled through the instinctual desire to pass on their DNA and have their partner continually prove their sexual commitment to them. That is, it is fuelled by the instinctual desire to ensure their partner has their child and by the desire to fight against paternity fraud i.e. their partner having anyone else’s child
Ever wondered why the male libido is typically so much higher and more consistent than the female libido? It’s because the instinctual factors fuelling the male libido tend to remain static. The male libido is believed to be fuelled by the constant instinctual desire to pass on their DNA and fight against paternity fraud i.e. the desire to get their partner pregnant and make certain that if their partner gets pregnant the child is theirs.
Even in gay relationships, male couples typically instinctually have the same desire fuelling them, which is why typically male couples have more sex than other couples.
In a way think of it like this, men have a little voice in their subconscious repeatedly saying the following to their partners: prove your sexual commitment to me. So if you’ve ever wondered why men tend to find it easier to keep their libidos going than women, and why their libidos tend to be consistently higher than women’s, that’s likely why.
The female libido is instinctually fuelled through three factors: the desire to build a connection, the desire to make babies, and the desire to empower an already built connection
The honeymoon period of a relationship is great, perhaps even more so for the average woman because typically the average woman’s libido will never be higher than during this period. It is believed that this is because during the honeymoon period a woman’s libido is fuelled by the desire to build a connection with her partner.
There are many theories for why this is, from the instinctual desire to get pregnant and solidify the bond with her partner by proving her sexual commitment to her partner, to the instinctual desire to prove to a man that any child she has is his i.e. by having a lot of sex with her partner, statistically speaking the child is more likely to be her partners, meaning her partner can’t play the “that’s not my kid card” and do a runner (remember, there never used to be paternity tests, and women always know kids are theirs, but men don’t, it’s on trust).
Whatever the truth, once the desire to build a connection with her partner fades away — because the connection has already been built — the female libido tends to start falling at a far higher rate than the male libido. This can be seen most prominently in lesbian relationships.
Ever heard of something called lesbian bed death? It’s a rather unfortunate term that was coined in the 80s for lesbian relationships, what it is talking about is the fact that in lesbian relationships sex typically dries up more so than in other styles of relationships.
Some believe that this is because instinctually once a woman has formed a strong and stable connection with her partner, the only instinctual fuels for her libido are either the desire to make babies or empower the already built connection.
Meaning if the connection is strong, the instinctual desire to feel the need to empower the connection will be low — why would you need to empower something that is already strong? Hence, if the connection is strong, unless a couple is trying to make babies, the female libido simply has limited fuel to spark it into life when compared to the male libido, which is potentially why in long-term relationships women can struggle more with their libidos than men.
Women do typically like to spend more time with their partners than men do with theirs — especially doing nonsexual activities
Whereas men are instinctually looking for their partners to continually prove their sexual commitment to them, women are instinctually continually looking for their partners to prove their nonsexual commitment to them.
This can be seen clearly when looking at the gay scene. Whereas gay male couples typically have more sex and spend more time having sex with each other than all other forms of couples, lesbian couples typically spend more time with each other doing nonsexual things than all other couples. This is why lesbian couples in particular often become extremely close emotionally, because they typically spend a lot more of day-to-day life together in domestic situations than other couples.
Researchers are unsure why we have evolved to be this way, but some believe it is to do with the fact that historically men had to leave to gather resources, but if the man wanted to spend a lot of time with his partner, he would be less likely to do this. However, if the woman did not want to spend a lot of time with her partner, the bond would likely crumble.
So, it is likely that women want to spend more time with their partners than men do because men typically used to go away for long periods to gather resources whereas women did not. Meaning it was logical that men would evolve to want to spend less time with their partners, because it would make them more likely to be willing to leave on resource-gathering missions, the same as it was logical in response for women to want to spend as much time with their partners as possible, because that keeps the bond strong.
On a side note, this is why increasingly evidence shows that women understanding that many men instinctually want to spend less time with them than they do, and men understanding that many women instinctually want to spend more time with them than they do, can be greatly beneficial for men and women in heterosexual relationships. Because it makes it more likely that the men and women will understand each other and be willing to meet in the middle.
Despite popular belief, sex is less about physical release for men and more about their partner proving they value them, just like with women but different, and time spent outside the bedroom for women is less about time spent together and more about their partner proving they value them, just like with men but different
All of us want to feel valued by our partners, but instinctually what makes a man feel valued by his partner and what makes a woman feel valued by her partner is not the same per se. It is technically the same, but it’s more often than not from the opposite side of the coin.
That means when it comes to sex and time spent outside the bedroom it can pay to understand the nuances that likely exist within our nature. For example, a man’s desire for sex with his partner isn’t just about physical release, it is about the instinctual need for his partner to validate that he is desired and valued by them. Whereas a woman’s desire to spend time with her partner outside the bedroom isn’t just about spending time with her partner, it is about the instinctual need for her partner to validate that she is desired and valued by them.
Meaning men’s instinctual need for validation comes from their partner spending time with them in the bedroom, which is why men can feel so bad about themselves if their partner stops wanting to have sex with them. Especially if the men are continuing to spend time with their partners outside the bedroom.
Women’s instinctual need for validation on the other hand comes from their partner spending time with them outside of the bedroom, which is why women can feel so bad about themselves if their partner stops spending time with them outside of the bedroom. Especially if the women continue to have sex with their partners.
Paradoxically, this is why it is less likely for men to feel used in the bedroom than women, but more likely for men to feel used outside of the bedroom than women.
This is also why when a man stops wanting sex with his partner it can have such an effect on his partner. Basically, his partner will instinctually feel like they no longer have the power to make him feel desirable and valued, which makes them feel really bad about themselves.
This is also why when a woman stops wanting to spend time outside the bedroom with her partner, it can have such an effect on her partner. Basically, her partner will instinctually feel like they no longer have the power to make her feel desirable and valued, which makes them feel really bad about themselves.
Of course, this is not a perfect science, but it is typically why so many men can seem so sex-focused and so many women can seem so outside the bedroom focused. Because that is how we instinctually want our partners to prove to us that they value us and like us.
And if you notice the trend, same problems, just opposite sides of the coin. All of us want our partners to prove to us that they like us and value us, and all of us want our partners to want us to prove to them that we like them and value them. When we don’t get both of the latter, relationships become very unhappy which is why constant communication is so important. Because how else will we learn how to make each other feel valued?
That’s all from me, thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, you may also enjoy the following:
12 Fascinating Facts About Orgasms That You Probably Didn’t Know
The Psychological Reason Why Bad Boys Are So Attractive
The Seven Main Reasons Why Dating in The Modern World Is So Difficult
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