LOOK MOM — I’M FINALLY USING MY SPORT PSYCH DEGREE
13 Terrible Ideas to Make Sports Fun
Formula One Car + Max Verstappen + String of bananas
If selected to be the commissioner of the NFL, NBA, MLB, Westminster Kennel Club, or U12 Lil’ Pirates Tee Ball League, I promise to enact the following changes to amateur and professional sports:
Baseball
During the seventh inning stretch, all players on the bench rush the field and live by the anarchy rules from the movie The Purge. For the remainder of the game, play continues using EVERYTHING on the banned list of performance-enhancing substances— steroids, HGH, essential oils, chainsaws, throwing stars, and Taylor Swift lyrics.
Basketball
All basketball should be played in a trampoline park. Dunking is mandatory, but dribbling is optional.
Biathlon
The combo sport of skiing and riflery is surprisingly dull for an event with live ammunition. What if we hid the targets, gave the skiers night vision goggles, and a plumbers snake? And while skiing, they carry a plumber named Snake. At night. And his pockets are full of baby cobras. And the cobras are racist.
Competitive Eating
Instead of hotdogs, the Wheel of Disgusting Vegetables chooses competitive foodstuffs. Would I pay big money to watch Joey Chesnut eat 1169 Brussels sprouts? Or witness Takeru Kobayashi choke down 653 albino broccoli?
Dungeon & Dragons
The upcoming movie Dungeons & Dragons escapes the confines of ubergeek basements. Imagine the experience of a hundred thousand fans packed into Madison Square Garden or Wembley Stadium for a D&D campaign. Add to the high-profile environment with Bruce Buffer, the voice of the UFC Octagon, as Dungeon Master.
Let’s get ready to rummmmmbbbblleeeeeee. In this forest Pythos, the level-83 Orc Ranger Assassin, sneaks past a squadron of liquid Druid-Centaurs of Xulekbonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!
Surprised? You expected me to say live dragons, didn’t you?
Fire-breathing dragons whose signature lava sauce won second place at the Ole’ Texas Viraj’s BBQ RibFest-o-Rama. Dragons who sky-battle and bite off the wings of commercial aircraft — Especially on airlines that charge excessive fees for carry-on luggage.
On second thought, forget the nonsense about Wembley and centaurs.
Formula One Racing
Two words: Mario-Kart in real-life.
Imagine driving an F1 car behind Lewis Hamilton with a red shell or Max Verstappen holding a string of bananas. What if pressing the ghost button would disappear parts of an opponent’s engine? Lakitu, the helpful cloud turtle, will fish you back onto the raceway after an accident.
Golf
Retired Navy Seals wire your golf cart to explode if it stops moving — Keanu Reaves style. All holes must be played from inside the moving cart or BOOM. Wearisome golf becomes Speed Golf. It’s dangerous, but luckily your caddy knows Sandra Bullock’s former dog groomer.
If that doesn’t drive up your blood pressure, we can tunnel underneath the Masters until pine trees randomly fall on hole 17.
Too soon?
Ice Hockey
Replace the ice with a composite surface that allows chubby bearded Canadians to move faster than Kristine Laco or Usain Bolt snorting Red Bull. Players from either team can enter the live play area without pausing the action. Permit only one team member to wear enough padding to prevent broken teeth. Ensure every athlete has an organic war implement resembling the Grim Reaper’s scythe. Finally, shun players who aggressively misbehave in a time-out corner for grownups.
If my upgrades sound familiar, it’s because all these wonders are already true of ice hockey. I change nothing — Hockey is PERFECT.
Motocross
How fun would motocross races be if the dirt bikes were remote-controlled by professional e-sports mathletes? Mythbusters taught the world that you could remotely control anything with enough servos.
NFL Football
NFL players have to wear uniforms relative to the size of their contract. Is a 330 lb (150kg) offensive lineman making less than a million dollars? Give that unfortunate mountain of manhood a size zero jersey and capri pants. Does a certain overpaid, vaccine-resistant quarterback make 150 mil? His uniform is now a Scottish kilt with a 150-inch (3.8m) waistband. Peyote won’t be the only thing he is trippin’ on this season.
Soccer
After watching the World Cup with the 1.2 billion soccer fanatics worldwide, I finally understand what makes this sport so cherished. I no longer think soccer is the most boring sport on earth. I appreciate its perfection so much that the sport should be reserved for historic occasions. Halley’s Comet returns in 2061? Time to break out the cleats again.
However, if you insist on improving a sport so dull it cures sleep apnea, I suggest adding ice, skates, and a puck.
Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show
We live in an era of inclusion, and the uppities at WKCDS permit canines only in their magnificent performance. As commissioner, I would allow any semi-domesticated animal to compete in the annual show. Cats, horses, dolphins, velociraptors, grizzly bears, Roomba vacuums, and that bizarre plant that eats flies are welcome in the new and improved Kennel Club.
World Series of Poker
Play Strip Poker — IN REVERSE — Contestants begin wearing only their whitie-tighties or Grandma Smillew panties. After folding or losing a hand, the player has to add an article of clothing. The winner is the last gambler to succumb to heat stroke.
Which of these upgrades is your favorite? What sport would you transform?
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