Satire

Usain Bolt is NOT the Fastest Man Alive

Challenging claims from the champion cheese chaser

Usain bolt is faster than a cheetah on crystal meth who snorted some Red Bull.

Faster than a speeding bullet. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Some b.s. about a locomotive we can’t remember. He is like

On August 16th, 2009, Bolt set the world record for the Men’s 100m run in Berlin, Germany. At a blistering 9.58 seconds, he earned the title of World’s Fastest Man.

But he’s not as fast as Chris Anderson

Chris Anderson is the most successful runner in the history of the Cooper Hill Cheese-Rolling competition in Gloucestershire, UK.

The annual Cheese-Rolling competition puts hundreds of risk-tolerant athletes in a 200m chase down a wicked-steep downhill following an 8lb wheel of Double Gloucester cheese. Anderson won this race a record 23 times between 2006 and 2022 and is featured in the Netflix special “We are the Champions.”

He chased a big wheel of cheese down a hill, so what?

In 2017 Anderson finished the 200m Coopers Hill course in 8.2 seconds.

That’s right, Chris Anderso ran 200m and caught the cheese eleven whole seconds faster than the current world record holder on the track.

If Bolt is a cheetah on meth, Anderson is a cheetah in a Ferrari shot out of a cannon from a spaceship flown by a pilot who replaced his blood with meth and pees Red Bull.

What does Usain Bolt think about claims to his title?

All our attempts at contacting Usain Bolt have failed. We first tried flying kite in a thunderstorm Ben Franklin-style, and nothing happened. Then we tried holding a golf club high in the air during a tornado.

Then we realized these lightning bolt puns weren’t funny and we moved on to calling his agent. But the man we spoke to turned out to be a famous impersonator of celebrity agents. Foiled again!

This is where the story gets weird

Minutes ago, we saw on Twitter that Usain Bolt’s legal counsel petitioned the International Olympic Committee to add Double Glouchester Cheese to the banned substance list. ²

“The Double ingredient in Double Glouchester cheese is Human Growth Hormone.”

-Alberto Skikkigardi, Esquire | Attorney for Usain Bolt

To which Anderson’s lawyer immediately tweeted.

“My client is lactose intolerant. He doesn’t even eat the cheese he wins. He gives it to an orphanage or a homeless shelter or to Millenials with crippling student loans.”

-Alberto Skikkigardi, Esquire | Attorney for Chris Anderson

To which Elon Musk tweeted.

“It’s very unlikely that both lawyers have the same name…oh, yeah, they should both fire their lawyer.”

-Elon Musk | Owns Twitter. Or doesn’t. It seems to change every day.

The International Olympic Committee stepped in

In a shocking twist, the IOC temporarily stops wooing countries with human rights violations to settle the dispute between the two athletes.

We intend to crown World’s Fastest Man once and for all. Both athletes have agreed to a contest at a neutral site with the following stipulations.

1. The race shall be 100% vegan. There are no dairy products, especially cheese, allowed in the competition.

2. No bobsleds are allowed. Nor are any Runnings allowed to be Cool.

3. Both runners will start at the bottom of the Mariana Trench at a depth of 10984m under the Pacific Ocean and swim until they reach Khartoum, Sudan. (Site of the 2046 Summer Olympic Games)

4. In the event of a tie, runners will compete in the best of three games of pickleball played with real pickles.”

-Alberto Skikkigardi, Esquire | Head of Communications, IOC ³

Footnotes:

¹ Caught the cheese is not a sexual euphemism

² Did not actually see this on Twitter. Because I still suck at Twitter.

³ This is a work of satire. All characters, locations, and proper names are fictitious creations by the author. They do not exist in the real world, including Usain Bolt, Chris Anderson, Netflix, Twitter, IOC, and the United Kingdom.

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